Dear Ann Landers,
ur daughter is twenty-six years old. She chose business school over college and is now number one secretary to the presi- 930 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA dent of a large firm. We are pleased that Terry still lives with us and doesn't want an apartment of her own like so many girls these days, but I feel we are being taken advantage of. "Terry has no savings account. She buys very expensive clothes, has her own car, takes vacations in Europe, and doesn't give us one cent for room and board. She pays the telephone bill, mainly because the long-distance calls are hers. I do her laundry, keep her room clean, fix her a big breakfast every morning and dinner whenever she wants it. "Our home is paid for and Terry knows we are not hard up for money, but it would be awfully nice to have a little extra coming in. My husband says not to 'rock the boat' or she might move. What do you say? If you believe she should pay-how much? Thanks for your help, Ann.-A Pitts-burgh Mom." I replied, "

Dear Mom,
Terry should give you 20 percent of her paycheck. If she thinks she can get lodging, breakfast, laundry, and maid-service else-where for less-let her try it. "The fact that you are not hard up for money is no excuse for your daughter's selfishness. Share this letter with your husband, and I hope to-gether you will muster up the courage to talk to Terry promptly." When sons and daughters marry, things change considerably. Even though parents have a tendency to forever think of their children as "children," they should be granted a totally different status when they establish a family unit of their own. Should Mom be forever and always the Number One woman in Sonny's life? Does he owe her that? No, he does not. A wise and loving mother will-ingly relinquishes that place to her daughter-in-law. She remembers how she felt about her husband's mother when she married. By the same token, a kind and thoughtful daughter-in-law will be considerate of her husband's mother so she will not feel displaced or abandoned. Life's cycles have an ironic way of evening up the score. The woman who finds herself with a mother-in-law problem might do well to think ahead a few years when her son will marry and she will become the mother-in-law. Getting down to specifics, what do married children owe their parents in terms of time and attention? According to my readers, this is a major prob-lem among marrieds in their thirties and forties. Here are some questions from this week's mail bag: From Lubbock, Texas: "My mother telephones me at least four times a day. She wants to know if the children ate a good breakfast, who wore what at a party last THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 931 night, what am I fixing for supper, has my husband's boss said anything about a raise . . . ?" From Nashville, Tennessee: "My husband's mother asks me every two weeks if I am pregnant yet She keeps reminding me that I'm not getting any younger and she would give anything to have a grandchild. The woman is getting on my nerves." From Richmond, Virginia: "My husband's parents are in their mid-seventies. He spends at least five hours every Saturday driving them to the supermarket, the dentist, the doc-tor, the pharmacy, the optometrist, the greenhouse, the dry cleaners, and so on. My in-laws have two daughters who live in town but they never bother them. My husband is the one they run ragged. Does he owe them this kind of service?" From San Diego, California: "My mother is sixty-four, a widow, attractive and well read. When we have guests for an evening, she is hurt if she isn't included. I love her dearly, but Mom has strong opinions and I have the feeling our friends resent her. Am I obligated to include her because she is my mother?" There are no hard and fast rules to cover every situation but here are some suggestions that can be tailored to fit a great many: Countless people are victims of not only in-laws but friends who have black-cord fever-also known as telephones. The best protection against these types is to develop a technique for getting off the phone after a reason-able period of time-or sooner, if you wish. The victim should have prepared sentences handy and read them when the need arises. Sample: "Sorry, dear. I have a million things to do this morning and I must hang up now. We'll talk again soon." People have no right to complain about being trapped or taken advantage of if they don't have the gumption to assert themselves. I tell them repeat-edly, "No one can exploit you without your permission." This includes re-fusing to answer "nun-uvyer-bizniz" type questions. Sample comeback: "Now why in the world would you be interested in that?" No woman owes her in-laws grandchildren. Any person who presumes to put pressure on a woman to "give us a grandchild" should be put in her place. Running errands and chauffeuring aged parents can be time- and energy- consuming, but it may be essential when no alternatives exist. If there are other children (or nieces and nephews) who might help out, they certainly should be asked to do so. Where time is more valuable than money, a paid driver may relieve a lot of tension in an emergency. 932 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA Including parents in social activities is not essential and parents should not expect it No apologies or excuses are necessary. Perhaps the most anxiety-producing problem is one that hits in the late forties or early fifties-about the same time some adults are going through the mid-life crisis. What to do with Mama when Papa dies. Or, if Mama goes first, what should be done with Papa? Circumstances alter cases. Some mamas wouldn't live with their children on a bet. The same goes for some papas. Many factors should be considered at the outset; first: How would Grandma or Grandpa fit in with the family? Is she or he too bossy? Would there be trouble in the kitchen? Would the children feel that too many people are telling them what to do? Finances are another major consideration. Does the surviving parent have sufficient money to maintain his or her own place? The issue of health is also important. Is Mama or Papa well enough to live alone? The answers to these questions should be carefully reviewed when attempting to reach a de-cision. Strictly from a standpoint of morality and decency-do you owe your parents a place in your home if he or she would like to move in? I say, "No." If they need housing or care, it goes without saying, you should pro-vide it, but you do not owe them a place under your roof if it would create dissension and conflict in your family. The ideal solution is to keep the surviving parent in his or her own home or apartment if it is economically feasible. Wien money is a problem, all the children should ante up and share the cost. (Often this is easier said than done.) Endless family fights have resulted because brother George or sister Mabel say they can't help out with the old folks because they have kids in college. Yet they manage to go to Florida or Arizona every winter, belong to the country club, and drive new cars. The most serious crisis arises when Mama and Papa become ill or too old to take care of themselves. Nursing homes are expensive and many old peo-ple don't want to go there. What then? Some heroic women have taken in a parent or an in-law (or both) at tremendous personal sacrifice. This can be the most physically exhausting and emotionally draining job in the world, since old folks tend to be senile, incontinent, ill-tempered and in need of constant watching. I implore daughters and daughters-in-law not to feel guilty if they are unable to do it. The woman who does make this sacrifice, in my opinion, deserves a place at God's right hand come reckoning time. In the final analysis none of us goes through life debt-free. We all owe something to somebody. But the most noble motivation for giving is not prompted by a sense of duty. It flows freely from unselfish love. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 933 Parents: Possessive and Strict STARVED FOR AFFECTION