Dear Ann Landers, After several years of failed fertility procedures, my husband and I decided to adopt a child. We were thrilled when, soon after, a baby became available through a private adoption agency. At the birth mother's request, the baby was handed over to us while the legal documents were being drawn up.
Four weeks after becoming settled into motherhood, my friends gave me a wonderful baby shower. As my mother so diligently taught me, I quickly wrote each and every one a thank-you note for the beautiful gifts. Three days after my notes were mailed, I received a call informing me that the birth mother had changed her mind and decided not to sign the adoption papers. She wanted her baby back. Of course, we had to give up that precious child.
My husband and I are devastated beyond words. I am at a loss as to what to do about the lovely gifts I received at the shower. Should I send them back? What is the proper procedure? I need your advice. -- Empty Arms in Arkansas
Yesterday's Response:
Dear Empty Arms, What a sad letter. My heart goes out to you. Yes, dear, you must return the gifts with a brief note explaining the circumstances. I'm sure your friends will rally around and help you get through this painful time.
Today's Response:
Dear Empty Arms, I would not return the gifts because I feel you will try again - and succeed! I know couples where this has happened. I would write the gift-giving friends and say you and your husband were deeply disappointed by what happened, but you're going to try again. Your hope is that their lovely gifts will be for the future baby. My guess is that all your friends would want it that way. - Margo
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
JB's Comment
I think baby showers are done too early unless its for a new born of poor people who needs as much help as possible in the beginning. Which is what a baby shower is all about. I find it disturbing that people who are not in need give or are given parties. I think its a better idea to bring a gift when you visit the child for the first time individually, AFTER its born. This way you can give a more appropriate gift. Loosing a child you want is devastating under any circumstances. I don't believe in gender reveals either. I think this is an absolute waste of time effort and money. I say its better to start a college fund with that money instead
Reader Comment
Thank god the mother will raise her own child. Adoption is trauma.
Reader Comment
In light of overpopulation on this planet, I applaud this couple for giving up on fertility treatments and trying to adopt a child who already needs a home. The foster care system is overloaded with children who need someone to love them. The unselfish people who take in the children most in need are the real MVP's.
Reader Comment
In my culture the baby shower is held after the baby is born. It's tempting fate to have a shower before there is a baby. So when my daughter was born, all her clothes were hand-me-downs from a boy cousin, complete with football and superman decorations.
Maryann's Comment
I see no reason to return the gifts, since this couple most likely WILL have a child eventually. If I had given a gift, I would hope she would keep it as a sign of faith and hope.
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Dear Readers, , as a matter of fact), I brought up the subject of how they all needed to reverse their paper towels and toilet tissue on the spools since they were placed incorrectly. The paper rolls should be coming from the wall up toward the top, over and out. They all disagreed. Please settle this for all of us. In the meantime, they are calling me -Paper Crazy Dear P.C.: There is no right or wrong way to dispense paper towels or toilet tissue. It’s strictly a matter of personal preference. My preference happens to be the same as your cousins’. Maybe it’s because I’m from Iowa, too, and that’s the way my mother used to do it. And here's what happened:
