Dear Ann Landers, You recently printed a letter from parents whom you termed "enablers" because their young adult children still expect money from them. Ann, my husband's situation is exactly the same with his daughter. (She is his only child. I have no children.)
"Linda" quit high school in her senior year and has moved from one mediocre salesclerk job to another. Her father stopped paying child support a year ago, but he still gives her money to live on. She calls him regularly every month crying about one financial emergency or another. My husband sends her $200 or $300 after every tearful call and swears each time that it is the last check he will mail.
My husband saw the column where you said, "Tell such children the bank is closed." He vowed that his "bank" was going to close. I was thrilled. Then, two days ago, we received another well-rehearsed call from Linda, with the same old song and dance. Again, he sent a check.
Ann, how can I convince my husband that he isn't helping Linda by caving in every month when her bills are due? He won't listen to me. He tells me I know nothing about children since I don't have any. We've been together for 12 years. We get along beautifully. I love him and want to stay with him forever. This is the only major conflict we have, but I am a nervous wreck every time the phone rings. Do you have any advice for me? -- Rebecca in Mississippi
Dear Rebecca, Yes, I do. Lay off. You have spoken your piece, and it has not made a particle of difference. The problem isn't financial; it's emotional. And it isn't YOUR problem; it's his. So swallow it, dear, and don't let this issue ruin your relationship. That grabby daughter would then have her daddy all to herself, and wouldn't that be nice?
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Analiese's Comment
Hi Margo! I love your advice and im sure your mom would be so prpud of you! Oh, how id love to sit down over coffee with you- ha.. have some serious questions that even stump my therapist.
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:
Dear Readers, , and half of them don’t know it. All of these millions are at risk for heart disease, kidney disease, blindness and even death, if not treated. Today (March 20, 1990) is the day the American Diabetes Associa-tion (ADA) has devoted to public awareness. During this Alert, ADA chapters and affiliates in more than 800 communities around the coun-try will try to reach people who are unaware that they are at risk for or already have this illness. Diabetes knows no boundaries or limits. It is an equal opportunity disease that affects people regardless of age, sex, race or financial sta-tus. Among blacks, Hispanics and American Indians, diabetes is occur-ring at an alarming rate. Local chapters of the ADA sponsor diabetes awareness programs and blood-glucose screenings and distribute information including the American Diabetes Alert risk test. The Alert risk test is designed to help people determine if they are at risk of getting diabetes. Those who suspect they have diabetes should see a doctor immediately. If detected early, it can be managed throughout a lifetime. Here’s the test. Add your score. I have been experiencing one or more of the following symptoms on a regular basis: excessive thirst-YES 30 frequent urination-YES 30 extreme fatigue-YES 10 unexplained weight loss-YES 30 blurry vision from time to time-YES 10 I am over 40 years old.-YES 10 I am at least 20 percent over my ideal weight.-YES 20 I am a woman who has had more than one baby weighing over 9 pounds at birth.-YES 20 I am of American Indian descent.-YES 10 I am of Hispanic or black descent.-YES 10 I have a parent with diabetes.-YES 10 I have a brother or sister with diabetes.-YES 20 If you scored 30 to 50 points, you probably are at low risk for dia-betes. But don’t just forget about it. Especially if you’re over 40, over-weight or of black, Hispanic, or American Indian descent. If you scored over 50 points, you may be at high risk for diabetes. You even may already have diabetes. This test is meant to educate and make you aware of the serious risks of diabetes. Only a medical doctor can determine if you have diabetes. Want more information about diabetes? Contact your local American Diabetes Association. Thanks, Ann, for helping us alert Americans to the risks and dangers of diabetes. It is vital that we get the word out, and you are the one who can do it. -Sterling Tucker, chairman of the board, and Sherman M. Holvey, M.D., president, American Diabetes Association Dear Mr. Tucker and Dr. Holvey: Glad to help. Now let’s hope the readers will follow through. In 1973,1 suggested that my readers send for a booklet on hypertension. One reader wrote, “That column accomplished something I’d been trying to do for years-get my husband to have his blood pressure checked. Thanks to that col-umn, he finally went to a doctor. His blood pressure was so high, he was on the verge of a stroke. Tm sure you could save more lives if you ran it again, [signed] Grateful Forever ” So,
