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Dear Ann Landers,
I am a 30-year-old married woman who is having a full-blown affair. I never thought this would happen to me. Before "Bob" and I were married last year, we were compatible and had similar interests. I was not in love with him, but we had been dating for six years. I was almost 30, and most of my friends were married. When Bob proposed, it seemed like the right thing to do. Immediately after the wedding, we began to fight. Bob goes out drinking every night, and I hate it. I have suggested counseling, but he won't go. We haven't made love for six months. Several weeks ago, I became friendly with a man at work. "Max" paid a lot of attention to me and built up my battered self-esteem. It didn't take long for me to start seeing him on the side. Max is 40 and has never been married. He says he can make me happy and feel fulfilled, and I know he is right. Max has asked me to leave Bob and marry him. I love Max, but I hesitate to throw away the long history I have with my husband. Also, I don't want to admit to my parents that my marriage is a failure. Another problem: Bob's mother is very ill, and I'm afraid a divorce would kill her. What should I do, Ann? I feel torn and trapped. I am in desperate need of advice. -- At Loose Ends in Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvania,
Put everything on hold until Bob's mother is well or, heaven forbid, no longer with us. Tell Bob he must go to Alcoholics Anonymous or the marriage is over. Be firm about this unless you are willing to be married to a drunk who is sure to get worse. Stop seeing Max until you give Bob a chance to dry up. If Max really cares about you, he will leave you alone and be willing to let you give your marriage a chance to make it. You have a lot on your plate, lady, and I hope you are equal to the challenges that lie ahead.

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A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!

Denming NM's Comment
I don't think I could give such calm advice. I have no patience with people who make such stupid relationship decisions, and then don't have the gumption to pull themselves out of it. By your own admission, you don't love Bob and he's an alcoholic. THAT marriage is definitely over - accept it, regardless of his or your parents. It's not their marriage.
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, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

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"Keep in mind that the true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good."
-Ann Landers