Dear Ann Landers,
ou asked teenage girls to write and tell you the "lines" that were used on them by boys who were after sex. What a great idea! I'm no teenager (I'm 22) but I thought you might be interested in the "lines" pitched at me over the past sev-eral years. Some of them were hilari-ous, others downright pathetic. The adolescent, nonserious passes started in the seventh grade with games like Spin-the-Bottle and Post Office. Then there were those unfor-gettable Scavenger Hunts-with kids pairing off and wandering around in search of pink toilet paper and vegeta-ble sieves. The serious, for-real lines started in the ninth grade. My favorite boyfriend was best pals with a guy who dated the most popular girl in school. He told me she "did it." That, of course, meant "it" was the thing to do. When he dis-covered that strategy didn't work, he promptly switched to, "if you loved me you'd prove it." I told him if he loved ME he wouldn't make such demands on me. Finally he became adamant and said I HAD to give in because my stub-bornness was lousing up his maturing

DEAR FRIEND,
I applaud a young woman who knows what she wants and what she doesn't want and has the courage to stick by her convictions. I've never received a letter from a girl who said she was sorry she saved her-self for marriage, but I've received hundreds from those who didn't and were heartsick. Thanks for writing. process and giving him pimples. When I told him to buzz off he threatened to kill himself. The threat turned out to be as ridiculous as the rest of his gar-bage. Then I started to date a fellow who was extremely considerate of my feel-ings but also very affectionate. When I made my position clear, he didn't pester me about sex. We necked a lit-tle, but he never tried to step beyond the boundaries I set up. After a few blissful months, Mr. Well-Behaved in-formed me I was going to have to share him with "Winnie" (a hot num-ber) who wrote notes that made it plain she was ready, willing and able to "fulfill" him. Off I went to college-still intact but getting curiouser and curiouser. The second day on campus I met Claude. He told me on our second date that dozens of girls had followed him from the swimming pool to his apartment, lusting after his bod. Others were so aggressive (and hungry) they knocked on his door with bottles they couldn't open, dresses that needed to be zipped, furniture they couldn't move-any-thing to get past his front door and hopefully into his bed. Then there was Horace, two years my junior, who wanted me to "teach him" . . . and Bemie, who was dying to know if a political science major had anything that worked besides her brain. And Orval, a religious nut who had been instructed by God to "show me the way." Funny thing, nothing wore down my resistance. The lines just made me run in the other direction. No girl wants to feel used, fooled or easy. When I finally said yes, it was be-cause a sensitive and caring young man made me feel valuable as a human being. He applied no gimmicks, no hogwash, no sales talk. I made up my own mind. It was beautiful. I'm glad I waited. HAPPY PAST AND PROUD TO TELL IT DEAR HAPPY: I hope every young virgin out there who reads your letter will pay close attention. Ah! The more things change-the more they are the same! Vitamins (Or: Ponce de Leon, Where Are You?) During the past twenty-five years, Americans have been bombarded with propaganda regarding die beneficial effects of vitamins as an adjunct to our normal daily diet. In the field of medicine, however, the philosophy is reversed. We are con-scious of the concept of malnutrition among the poor, the chronically ill, the aged and the emotionally disturbed as well as the "fadists" and emotional complexes restricting the normal intake of food. Note, we have not men-tioned destructive diseases which precipitate malnutrition for one reason or another, because of the inability to absorb and ingest normal food stuffs and receive proper nutrition through our daily eating habits. Society has reversed this image and is looking to vitamins as "super-gods" through a new form of "drug pushers." We have all heard of the super "won-ders" of vitamin E, vitamin C, B complex, natural elements such as rose hips, kelp, seaweed, yeast, etc., which, we are told, if consumed in large quantities will delay the aging process, add energy, enhance virility, provide resistance against illness and give us "beautiful bodies." Unfortunately, there is no reliable evidence in clinical literature that super vitamin ingestion is the secret key to a longer or healthier life. The prime folklore of our society that vitamin E in massive doses adds physical endur-ance, produces sexual potency, longevity, affects cardiac status, skin care, prevents sterility and has a multitude of other benefits has been proved to be a myth. For individuals with normal serum alpha tocopherol (vitamin E), fairing increased doses of vitamins has no benefits or effects, nor will it help any of the above-mentioned. The folklore and fadism of our nutritional soci-ety that vitamin C taken in massive doses prevents infection and colds has also been disproved. A person can get all the vitamin C his body needs by drinking a glass of orange juice daily, or eating a piece of lime rind. Nor do vitamin B-12 injections give pep, zest, or a sense of well-being. Any "bene-ficial" effects derived from B-12 are purely psychological. Who, then, really needs vitamins as a supplement to normal intake? There are very few. The premature baby, the infant, the chronically sick (as men-tioned above), senile patients who do not feed themselves, the emotionally disturbed, alcoholics who "forget" to eat and, last but not least, those who are unfortunately afflicted with chronic destructive diseases-the hospital in-patient. These are primarily the only individuals who require supplementary vitamins in normal doses in conjunction with normal foodstuffs, along with mineral intake, so they may maintain physiological balance. Those of us who do not fall into the above categories do not require vitamin substitutes, pro-viding we eat three well-balanced meals a day with total adequate caloric in-take to maintain the body weight in relationship to age, sex, and bone struc-ture. So you may ask: What is "adequate"? Daily ingestion of fruit (some of which are citrus), vegetables, protein in the form of meat, fish or soft organs (liver, kidney), milk products and fresh vegetables (some of which are green and properly cooked) will give the average person adequate intake of all vi-tamins required for the human body. This includes vitamins A, D and E, which are fat soluble and found in liver, fish, vegetable oil, wheat, egg yolk and butter, B complex, derived from milk products, bread containing yeast, liver, fish, meat, green leafy vegetables (cooked or raw); vitamin K, derived from the same; and vitamin C, derived from citrus fruits, tomatoes, potatoes, green pepper, cabbage, etc. If the above are consumed with normal eating habits, one never really requires vitamin substitutes in any form and espe-cially in super dosage, unless you are afflicted with the emotional problem of our society called "junk foods," which depress one's appetite and deny one the privilege of eating a normal selection of foods at mealtime. Many fadists believe that vitamins are a food substitute. While on a weight reduction diet, which is near starvation, vitamins for super energy add noth- mg to one's sense of well-being, nor do vitamins prevent people from the complications of strenuous dieting. This brings us to the most frequently talked-about use of vitamins, which is "Dieting for Our Overweight Society." Propaganda has again plagued us with the grapefruit diet, egg diet, pure star-vation diet (that is, eating nothing), the liquid diet or bouillon diet, the car-bonated drink diet, and last but not least, the latest fad, the liquid protein diet When examined carefully, the liquid protein diet is really destructive to the body unless managed with great care, and under the supervision of trained professionals. Dr. Hilde Bruch, who is a leading authority on the emotional aspects of eating disorders as they relate to obesity, anorexia, and personality problems within these disorders, writes that eating habits relate to the most difficult and primitive characteristics engrained in our personality. They are formed early and are difficult to change. For the most part, the culture we live in deter-mines what we eat! Eating habits may be altered temporarily through cult, fadism and persuasion, but they return to the engrained "mother-taught" likes and dislikes. The old adage "You cannot make a Chinaman eat like an Irishman" holds true. If one toys with these deeply engrained patterns, psychopathology may be precipitated, followed by an associated organic de-structive process. The extreme example of this is anorexia nervosa (self star-vation). So, heed this lesson well. If you wish to lose weight, eat the same food you have been brought up on. But, eat less of it, in small frequent feedings-with discipline. And exercise, along with the eating. Make it part of your daily routine. There is no substitute for will power, and this does not come in a capsule. It takes determination and wisdom. The dieting patient derives no nutritional benefit from taking excess vitamins. He may take small amounts of iron substitute and mineral substitute during this period of trial, but once stabilized in weight, these substitutes are no longer required. Our society is plagued with many fragments of idolatry-copper bracelets to cure arthritis, vitamin E to cure everything, vitamin C to prevent every-thing. None of these concepts is valid. Vitamins are essential and important to good health. A person who eats well-balanced meals gets his daily require-ment Of vitamins in his food. So, a word to the wise: If you are basically healthy, there is no substitute for good food. Super vitaminosis is of no avail. It is only beneficial to the man who sells it credit: Edward A. Newman, M.D., Senior Attending Physician, Department of Medicine, Michael Reese Hospital, Associate Clinical Professor of Medicine, Uni-versity of Chicago. Voyeurism Voyeurism is the practice of obtaining sexual satisfaction by looking at sexual objects or viewing sexual acts, especially secretively. It is the secretive aspect of this behavior that produced the name Peeping Tom. During the reign of Edward the Confessor (1042-66) the inhabitants of Coventry, England, offended the Earl of Mercia, the lord of an English king-dom in central Britain. They were ordered to pay an additional tax. If there were no relief from this oppressive debt, the community would be left desti-tute. In desperation, the villagers appealed for help to the Earl's wife, the com-passionate and modest Lady Godiva. She consented to intercede for them and asked the Earl to rescind the tax. He was in a difficult spot and cleverly decided to attach what he thought would be an impossible provision. He said he would rescind the tax on the condition that his wife would ride naked through the streets of Coventry. She surprised him by accepting his condi-tion. When the townsfolk learned of her bravery, they responded to the willing-ness of their Lady to suffer humiliation by agreeing that no one should leave his house before noon on the appointed day of Lady Godiva's ride. Further-more, they stipulated that all the windows were to be closed and darkened so no one would violate Lady Godiva's modesty. True to her promise, Lady Godiva rode naked through the streets of Coventry that day. Tom was the only villager whose lustful curiosity overwhelmed him. He yielded, looked and was struck blind. This incident is commemorated by a stained-glass memorial in St. Mi-chael's Church, Coventry, Warwickshire. There is an even more ancient legend of the punishment meted out to a voyeur. On the authority of the great Homer, the blind Theban wiseman, Tiresias, is reputed to have lost his sight for having looked on the Goddess Athena while she was bathing. Inasmuch as his mother was Athena's friend, the penalty of death for this violation was reduced to blindness. And as an ironic act of compensation, she also gave him the power of prophecy- foresight. However, voyeurism need not be considered a perversion. Indeed, merely looking at the opposite sex with admiring appreciation, which, up to recently, has been thought of as an exclusively male preoccupation, has become a nor-mal activity for both sexes in our Western society. A recent example of "just looking" was given wide public notice during the Presidential Campaign in the fall of 1976. The then-future President of the United States, a devout and moral man, was quoted in the November issue of Playboy magazine as saying, "I've looked on a lot of women with lust," and added significantly, "I have committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something God recognizes I will do-and I have done it. . ." The public response was clamorous, but divided. As many people were shocked as were approving of the candidate's honest admission of his private thoughts. This frank exposure provides a public recognition of what is widely acclaimed and deplored as the revolution in moral values. As a diagnosed psychiatric condition, the label "voyeurism" is restricted to that behavior in which a man compulsively seeks opportunities to look at un-suspecting women who are either naked, in the act of undressing, or engaging in sexual activity. The setting in which voyeuristic behavior takes place often lends itself to a sense of superiority, inasmuch as the woman being looked at is perceived as if she were passive and helpless. Rarely is this accompanying feeling the prelude to rape. Most often, the voyeur is restricted from acting out those ravishing impulses by his emotional immaturity and the fear of its consequences. Professionals who have studied the psychological makeup of voyeurs have concluded that their peeping behavior is an expression of infantile sexuality. In our society, exposure of certain parts of the body is forbidden and therefore a prime focus of erotic curiosity. Despite shifts of fashion in dress, there persists the basic childhood mystery concerning the anatomical difference between the sexes and their sexual function. The psychological fac-tors responsible for what is perceived as a mystery provide an irresistible at-traction. Stimulated by such stressful experiences as loneliness, rejection and frustration, the recalled experience of the infantile attraction leads to a com-pulsive need to repeat the peeping behavior. This is of course an attempt to replace anxiety tension with satisfying erotic fantasy. It appears that opinions are equally divided between two attitudes. The conservatives see pornography as pandering to latent voyeuristic impulses and harmful to the public. The other point of view (supported by data obtained from studies undertaken by tbe Commission on Obscenity and Pornography) indicates that the degree of exposure to erotica is only a surface manifes-tation of sexual development Society's concern would be better served in an atmosphere that avoided the secrecy about sex that shrouded the nineteenth century's Victorian attitudes. Any serious student of the Victorian era will tell you that the most bizarre or-gies and wildest episodes of every conceivable kind took place during those days when sex was suppressed-and driven underground. CREDtT: Howard Rome, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry (Emeritus), Mayo Grad-uate School of Medicine; Staff Psychiatrist, Rochester State Hospital, consultant, C. B. Wilson Center, Faribault, Minnesota. Warts There are many varieties of warts. All warts are caused by a virus. The common wart appears most often on the hand, especially on the back of the hand, and around and under the fingernails. Common warts rarely occur in early childhood. They become more of a problem during the school years, and then decrease in frequency. Fortunately, many warts disappear for no apparent reason within two years and need not be treated by a physician. But most people find them a nuisance, unsightly, sometimes painful, and want them removed. The forms of removal therapy are numerous and varied. Traumatic de-structive and mutilating treatment should never be used on children. "Suggestion therapy" is very often successful. Examples of "suggestion therapy" are: (a) Rubbing the wart with a slice of potato, which is then tossed over the left shoulder and allowed to rot in the earth, (b) Urinating on the warts three nights in a row, after which the warts fall off in ten days. (Urine from a virgin will cause the warts to fall off in five days-but where can you find a virgin who will co-operate?) (c) Rubbing the wart with a piece of string and then burying the string at midnight under a full moon. Obviously, none of the three "cures" have anything to do with logic or sci-ence, but such crazy stunts have caused warts to disappear. In older patients, the physician might use acids or other chemicals which are destructive, or electrosurgery usually with local anesthesia. These proce-dures will leave some scars. The flat or juvenile wart is smooth, and flesh-colored. It usually ap-pears on the face and backs of the hands, in groups ranging in number from just a few to hundreds. They are most often seen in young children. These warts usually can be peeled off chemically so the scarring and painful freez-ing techniques and electrosurgery need not be used. The plantar wart is found on the sole of the foot A wart anywhere else on the foot other than the sole is not a plantar wart. It appears most fre-quently in school-aged children. It may be related to walking barefoot in showers, locker rooms and around swimming pools. A true plantar wart can be painful and should be removed "root and all" or it will grow back. In some cases, many small warts develop close together, forming a mosaic pattern. As stated above, the therapy will vary from one dermatologist to an-other. A group of chemicals can be used successfully in many cases. Any sur-gical operation is liable to be followed by painful scarring. Therefore, if the wart does not cause pain, it is best for the patient to forget it and wait for the darned thing to disappear on its own. The venereal wart usually occurs in the ano-genital area and is there-fore now considered a sexually transmitted disease. The virus causing venereal warts is a completely different virus from that which causes common warts. In fact, there is no connection whatever between the two. Anyone who develops venereal warts should be examined and tested for other sexually transmitted diseases, especially gonorrhea and syphilis. Most of these warts respond to drugs. Only infrequently will surgery be necessary. Recurrence is not unusual and is often due to the fact that the sexual partner has the same condition and has not been treated. To put it bluntly, the only way to get rid of venereal warts permanently is to make sure your sex partner gets rid of his (or hers), then, refrain from getting intimate with anyone else who has the "problem." credit: Leslie Nicholas, M.D., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Wet Dreams (Nocturnal Emissions) Any time after the male becomes able to produce semen, usually about a year after pubertal changes get under way, he may have a sexual climax while asleep. The semen is ejaculated just as would occur in masturbation or later in intercourse. This is called nocturnal (nighttime) emission; in common lan-guage, a wet dream. Not every male has this experience. If he does not, it doesn't necessarily mean he has a problem. Most boys have the experience sooner or later. Of those who are headed for college, 90 percent are having nocturnal emissions by the age of fifteen. Of those not college bound, a little more than 50 percent are having them. Why the difference? Generally those who aspire to a college education plan on postponing marriage, and their value system may call for delaying any form of direct sexual experience, lest it interfere with educational plans. With all other outlets avoided, the body takes care of the sexual need with an automatic ejaculation during sleep, with or without the aid of a sexual dream. The youth who is not college bound generally gives himself a right to some sex expression at a much earlier age. If the boy is masturbating or having other sex experience which leads to orgasm, there is little need for nocturnal relief. There is some evidence that the differences in sexual expectations for the two levels of educational aspiration are leveling off. When all youth are taken into account, approximately 80 percent of boys are having nocturnal emis-sions, peaking at the mid-teens. As other forms of sex life are utilized, the frequency of these emissions di-minish. By the age of thirty, few are having them. Yet, even a happily mar-ried, sexually fulfilled male may have an occasional emission as the climax of an erotic dream. Just how is the wet dream caused? Semen has collected in the ducts. In the young male, an erection tends to occur every ninety minutes while asleep. During this ebb and flow of sexual readiness, a dream, or the pressures of clothing, may trigger the climax. After the ejaculation, everything is as before, except the pajamas and bed-clothes feel as though they have egg white on them. Within a brief time the clothing and sheet dry out, leaving a slightly yellow stain which disappears with laundering. Since girls do not have an emission with sexual climax, usually we do not say that they have nocturnal emissions. They do have the same rhythmic readiness for sexual experience during sleep, accompanied by engorgement of the genitalia and lubrication. Sexually or affectionally charged dreams may accompany the experience, along with orgasm at times. Her lubrication may be great enough to dampen clothes. Nocturnal dreams which are sexually charged are not harmful in any way, either to boys or to girls. Rather, it is a normal happening for any time in life, especially in youth, when sexual relief is not occurring in any other form. The only problem attached to nocturnal emissions is that the boy may worry about it, including wondering what parents or others will think should they find the evidence. Knowing that it is a healthy manifestation of sexual-ity, the boy or girl should be pleased that they can have sexually related dreams. Credit: Aaron L. Rutlege, Ph.D., Grosse Pointe Psychological Center, Grosse Pointe, Michigan. Widowhood A Personal View My husband thought he would live forever. He didn't. In 1971 Martin died of cancer, leaving me with two small children: Buffy, our five-year-old daughter, and Jon, our nine-year-old son. Martin and I had a beautiful marriage. We both worked hard. He had his law practice and I had my job in publishing. We had each other and our chil-dren. We considered ourselves a very special couple. Martin was not only my husband and lover, he was my best friend. And he had more courage than anyone I ever knew. 'Tm going to die, darling," he told me after his illness was diagnosed. "I'm going to die. The prognosis is zero. And it's going to be harder on you than on me." But I never quite accepted the fact Though I knew for fourteen months that he was going to die, I was totally unprepared for the finality of death. The months of Martin's dying, however, were only a painful prelude to what followed: the grief, the confusion, the rage, and perhaps the greatest penalty of widowhood, the loneliness. With no preparation, I found myself in a new world, a world that was like living in a country where nobody speaks your language, a country that considers you a pariah. Widows tend to become in-visible women. They are constant reminders of mortality and grief, sexual threats to married women. Census figures show that one out of every six women over the age of twenty-one is a widow. At any given moment, there are about 174,000 women under the age of forty-five who have been widowed and who have not remarried. Eventually some of them will. Most won't. Some will make a healthy adjustment to widowhood. Others will be defeated by it But in every case, their adjustment will be affected by how well others understand their special needs. Often it is assumed that widows, particularly young widows, can pick up the pieces of their lives as easily as the millions of their contemporaries who have undergone divorces. This is not true. Our distaste for death is so great that society at large, including doctors, clergymen, members of the so-called helping professions, fail to appreciate that widows, unlike divorcees who can begin to make a new life as soon as their husbands are out of the house, must go through a period of mourning and predictable stages of grief. Now, almost three years after my husband's death, I am convinced that if I had understood the facts of grief before I had to experience them, it would not have made my grief less intense, lessened my misery, minimized my loss or quelled my rage. Knowledge would have given me hope and courage. I would have known that once my grief was worked through, once I could ac-cept my loss as permanent, I would be my joyful self again. Not my old self, but a stronger, more self-reliant woman. A woman I like better. But it was a difficult process-unnecessarily difficult I hope that my experience will give other women strength and hope, relieve their alienation, dispel the fear and ignorance that prolongs and intensifies bereavement and help them find their true identities so they can regain their zest for life. The first stage of grief is merciful-numbness that comes with shock. It carries a built-in anesthesia that gets you through a lot I don't know how I could have functioned without that anesthesia. When dying was over and the little ceremonial flurry subsided, friends withdrew to get on with their own lives. I would have been lost without that blessed numbness. I didn't feel the grief gnawing at me and wondered in a dazed way when I would begin to hurt. I found out soon enough. Feeling crept back nerve by nerve. Five months after Martin died I was a quivering wreck. I fought against the pain. I became self-protective and spent a lot of time in bed with a heating pad. I craved warmth and softness. My refrigerator was stocked with "mommy" food-custard, vanilla ice cream, vanilla yogurt. But there was no escape. I began to feel, began to hurt When the protective fog of numbness finally dissipated, life became truly terrifying. I was full of grief, choked with unshed tears, overwhelmed by the responsibility of bringing up two children alone, panicked about my financial situation, almost immobilized by the realization that I was alone. My psychic pain was such that putting a load of dirty clothes in the washing machine, taking out the vacuum cleaner, making up a grocery list, all the utterly rou-tine chores, loomed like Herculean labors. I was alone. Alone. And I didn't know what to do. I was beset with prob-lems, some real, most imagined. I did not know how or where to start to put my life in order. If only I had known that the wisest course of action was in-action. Doing nothing at all. At least until I had regained the ability to cope with the essentials of everyday life. If that hypothetical wise person had existed, he would have told me about griefs seasons. He would also have stressed that the widow has no concep-tion of what she is doing for many, many months after her husband's death. That few of her actions have much to do with reality. She is inconsistent. Ex-treme. Crazy. I was not prepared for craziness, but it was inevitable. Folk wisdom knows all about the crazy season. Friends and acquaintances tell the widow, "Sit tight. Do nothing. Make no changes. Coast for a few months. Wait. . . wait. . . wait." But the widow, while she hears the words, does not get the message. She believes that her actions are discreet, deliberate, careful, responsible. I certainly did. I believed that every step I made was carefully thought out, wisely calculated. But the record shows otherwise. One bizarre caper of mine was to write to a rich politician. "You are fat and rich. I am poor and thin," I wrote. "My husband died leaving me with no life insurance and two small children to support on a publishing salary. Would you please send me $500,000.1 met you at a literary cocktail party in Washington last year and you drove me to the airport I look forward to hearing from you." This was just the tip of the iceberg. My craziness went deep. I was a lost child. I yearned for someone to take care of me, to love me. It took me a long time to undo some of my ridiculous and expensive mistakes. Another stage of grief is anger. My anger shot out in all directions. At old friends. At my family. At my neighbors. Even at my children. But most of all at my husband. At the beginning I was full of compassion, but then as the dying went on and on, fury crept in. I was helpless. I couldn't save Martin. Helplessness was too much to bear, so I became angry. And after he died, my rage took possession of me, just as Martin had warned me when he said, "You're going to shake your fist at my photograph." Through all the months of nightmares and anxiety attacks, the woman I presented to the world was calm, coping, cool. Part of it was pride, but more of it was a dread of letting people sense my vulnerability. Close friends, I know now, were concerned about me. They sensed my strain, my confusion. But my refusal to talk inhibited them from probing, from helping. One of the chores of grief involves going over and over in one's mind the circumstances that led to the death, the details of the death itself. Endless dwelling on the dead person. Memories are taken out and sifted. Finally the widow accepts the fact that her husband is dead. This is reality, and talking about it helps make it real. Judith Viorst, writer, and a supremely articulate spokeswoman on this subject, suggests: "Maybe we all should begin to talk about death. The silence I've met on this subject shows we've been more frightened than we know. This deprives us of each other's consolation and takes from us the gift of comforting. . . So let us talk about death." There are people to talk to, although it may not be easy. There are rela-tives, friends, religious leaders, widow organizations, and professionally trained therapists. I wish I had known about the therapeutic value of talk when my husband was dying. I know now it is what you don't talk about that terrifies you. Talking dispels the phantoms. And after Martin died I would have talked about him. And talked about him. And talked about him. Until I finally knew that he was dead and I was alone-starting a new life. I would have emerged from grief sooner. "Widow" is a harsh and hurtful word. It comes from the Sanskrit and it means "empty." I do not want to be pigeonholed as a widow. I am a woman whose husband has died, but I am not a second-class citizen-a lonely goose. I am a mother and working woman and a friend. I am a sexual woman and a laughing woman and a concerned woman and a vital woman. I am a person. And I am very much alive. I owe the person I am today to my husband's death. If he had not died, I am sure I would have lived happily ever after as a twentieth-century child-wife. But today I am someone else. I am stronger, more independent. 1 have more understanding, more sympathy. A different perspective. Perhaps the single bit of advice I can give to other widows is this: Keep your job if you have one, and find one if you don't A full-time job, a part- time job, a volunteer job, anything that will provide you with a routine and stability. I can't stress how important my job was to me, and not only in terms of money coming in. It gave structure to my life. Even in my lowest times, the very fact of having a job gave me emotional security. I belonged somewhere. I had a place to go to every day. I had work to do. Why should any woman face deprivation and anxiety and financial terror because her husband dies? Women must learn to protect themselves and their children. And that means becoming responsible now for their own personal futures. credit: Lynn Caine, author of Widow, New York, New York: William Morrow & Co., and Lifelines, Garden City, New York: Doubleday & Company. The Importance of Wills Without a will, the possessions accumulated by a person over a lifetime go to that person's heirs under the laws of intestacy of the particular state where the person lived at death. This can result in the distribution of your property in ways that might not be to your liking. Here are some examples: A husband dies, leaving his widow with a four-year-old child. In many states, the wife would receive no more than a third of his estate. The rest of his estate would go to the child. The mother would not be able to use any of the child's portion for herself even if she had a desperate need due to illness. Moreover, she may not be able to use the child's portion for the child's needs without court approval-sometimes a clumsy and expensive procedure. A husband dies leaving a wife and no children. His wife has never worked but has been solely dependent upon him for twenty-five years. His fa-ther, who is wealthy, is still alive. In many states, the wife would receive no more than one half of the husband's estate; the father would receive the rest (In some states, the father's portion would be shared with the deceased's sisters and brothers.) Sam and Matilda lived together for many years. They were never le-gally married, even though people who knew them assumed that they were. Sam had no known relatives. One day he died suddenly. In most states, all of Sam's possessions would go to the state. State laws of intestacy usually provide a right of inheritance only for "blood" relationships, roughly following the ancient line of descent of the kingship to English sovereigns, except for the addition of the spouse as an heir. Only a few states still recognize "common-law" marriages under which a valid marriage results not from a ceremony performed, but from a mutual agreement to live together as husband and wife. The difference between having the distribution of your property deter-mined by a will, rather than by the laws of intestacy of your particular state, is the difference between the state deciding what happens to everything you have managed to accumulate during your lifetime, and you deciding. It makes a lot of difference what the future needs of your children are likely to be, whether the wife is self-supporting or totally dependent, the state of the wife's health and of the husband's wealth, the neediness of your own parents, the degree to which you feel that your spouse will act caringly and responsibly toward your children after you are dead, how much life insur-ance is carried-a myriad of such questions have to be weighed to decide in-tellectually the best way to provide for your family. Since men are usually the principal breadwinners of the family, and women as a group have a longer life-expectancy, estate planning ordinarily revolves around providing financial security for the wife and children. However, all possible contingencies are provided for in a well-drawn will. Another reason a will is important is to anticipate an event that occurs not frequently in our modem society-death in a common disaster. Should the decision as to the custody of your children in that situation be made by a judge hearing testimony by your relatives after the tragedy occurs, or by you now, together, in a will? The two of you not only can decide who among your family and friends could best rear your children; you could talk to them or leave instructions to them in a letter that would be kept in the same place you leave your will about particular things they should know that would help them in raising your children. Also, if you have more than one child, you might want to specifically provide in the will that the children are not to be parceled out, but are to remain in a single family. A will affords you an opportunity to leave specific instructions as regards burial or cremation and other aspects of funeral arrangements. You can also donate your organs for transplant to enable another human being to see with your cornea or to survive with your kidney. You can also make provisions for your favorite charity, or give a treasured item of personal property that will be particularly meaningful to a certain person. A will once made may be modified by the formal execution of what is called a "codicil." A marriage or divorce of a person, an annulment of a mar-riage, or the birth of a child after a will has been executed, ordinarily revokes or modifies the will unless the events were anticipated in the will itself. A will never takes effect until a person's death. For this reason, it can be changed or destroyed by you at any time prior to death. (This is a good reason for not signing duplicate copies of a will, for if you do so and later de-stroy the original copy, there will still be a signed copy of that will to invite confusion or even fraud.) The signed original of the will ought to be kept by you in a safe place such as a safe deposit box, or by your lawyer. The usual way of canceling a will is by the execution of a new one. The latest valid will is the one that counts. If there is a desire to disinherit a particular member of the immediate family-a step that should not be taken lightly-the will should mention that person's name to show that the omission was a deliberate decision, and not a mere oversight Much ill will can be engendered among children by the action of parents in vindictively favoring one over the other in a will. In addition, there is much to be said for bequeathing property in such a way that it will not necessitate joint use. "Say not you know another entirely until you have divided an in-heritance with him," said Johan Kaspar Lavater, an eighteenth-century writer. The only time a will cannot be changed is where two people-usually a husband and wife-execute "a joint and mutual will." In this situation, upon the death of one of them, the other may no longer be able to change the will. For that reason, such a will should never be utilized except with the ut-most care and caution. A "joint and mutual will" may destroy the very flex-ibility that has made the will such an invaluable device for meeting human needs over the centuries. Some people shy away from writing a will because of fear or distaste of the subject of death. Since all of us now have accepted death as a reality by our willingness to purchase life insurance, we can do the same by having our es-tate plans in readiness. Another reason some don't prepare wills is the mistaken notion that this may avoid probate costs and death taxes. On the contrary, the costs are likely to be higher. The requirements for the probating of an estate-that is, prov-ing and establishing the validity of a will-are imposed so that a court will make sure that the deceased's wishes are carried out (at that point, the de-ceased isn't there to speak for himself). In each state, the law requires the probating of every estate that exceeds a certain minimum amount, whether or not the person left a will. If you left a will, however, you may save some costs by yourself designating the person who will be in charge of probating your estate (called the "executor") rather than leaving it to the statute and judge to select that person; you can also provide for the waiver of a surety bond, which will save some costs. More-over, especially in larger estates, the lawyer whom you consult for the draw-ing of a will, being familiar with federal and state tax laws, may make sugges-tions to you that can result in reducing considerably the taxes your estate and beneficiaries will pay. However, the first question of the lawyer is whether you need a will. Such a question requires individual consideration. There are no universal rules that fit every situation. For example, many couples have believed that by placing funds or property in "joint tenancy," they automat-ically save money. While joint tenancy can reduce probate costs, it can result in increased taxes. The drawing of a will offers an excellent time to consider with legal help the advisability of many alternative ways of protecting your estate and carrying out your wishes. The law varies from state to state as to the formalities required for a per-son (called a "testator") to make a valid will. In general, the person must understand that he is by the written instrument disposing of his property upon death. He must so acknowledge in the presence of disinterested witnesses (persons who do not inherit under the will), two or three in num-ber, depending on the particular state. (It is better to err on the side of cau-tion by using three.) These witnesses usually must also acknowledge in the presence of each other that they are witnessing the execution of a will. No-tarization is not a requirement. The person making the will must be "of sound mind"; there must be no fraud or undue influence being perpetrated upon him; he must be acting of his own free will. However, courts do not lightly set aside a will unless the in-capacity of the person signing it is clear. Some states permit an individual to make a valid will without witnesses if the entire will is written in his or her own handwriting (called a "holographic will"), and some states even permit in limited situations an oral will to be validly made. Because the laws of each state can change at any time, this arti-cle will not list the states in each category. A lawyer in your state is the only reliable source of such information. The characteristic feature of the probate field of law is that a mistake once maHp. is not usually discovered until it is too late to correct. By then, the per-son whose will is in issue has departed. A classic example of how the failure to meet legal technicalities can invalidate a will occurred some years ago when the will of a member of the Supreme Court of Connecticut-drawn by himself-Was after his death thrown out because it failed to meet the techni-cal requirements of the laws of Connecticut! (It also demonstrates the wis-dom of the ancient legal aphorism that "a man who acts as his own lawyer has a fool for a client") There is no better way to close than by reciting some lines from a ballad written by a British jurist, Lord Neaves: He writes and erases, he blunders, and blots, He produces such puzzles and Gordian Knots, That a lawyer, intending to frame the thing ill, Couldn't match the testator who makes his own wilL Testators are good, but a feeling more tender. . . Springs up when I think of the feminine genderl No customer brings so much grist to the mill As the wealthy old woman who makes her own will. credit: Harold A. Katz, attorney, Chicago, Illinois. A WIDOW'S THIRD