Dear Ann Landers, My husband's mother passed away four years ago. His father remarried not long after, but my husband hasn't taken to his stepmother very well. He never speaks to her unless he absolutely has to.
Although there never has been an argument or a fight between them, the tension is obvious, and it is uncomfortable for everyone.
About two months ago, I had a long talk with my father-in-law and let him know that his son wanted a closer relationship. The minute I opened my mouth, his wife jumped in, made all kinds of accusations and stormed out. I admit I might not have been very diplomatic in my approach, but I figured it was best to be honest and lay my cards on the table. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do.
I have apologized to his wife for being so frank, but I cannot change the way I feel. Now, the woman avoids us completely, and I think she is persuading my father-in-law to do the same. I am afraid I have made things worse, and now, I want to make the situation better. Any ideas? -- Lost in Louisiana
Dear Louisiana, It is said that distance lends enchantment, and in this case, I recommend it -- for a while, at least. Maintain contact, but don't rehash the argument. Let the situation cool down. Don't try to butter up the woman or be obsequious. Just be pleasant. Ignore the past, and let time do its work.
Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around.
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!
Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Reader Comment
Is she the preverbal evil step mother? I feel sorry for your FIL, but he is apparently being brain washed by his 'wife'. Step back and let him see the true bitch he married! Yes, he's stuck with her now, you and your husband don't need to be.
Me's Comment
Your husband should reach out to his dad and try to spend more time with him. Let him own this: it was never your message to share. He mustn’t let much time pass, as the wife will convince her husband your son’s avoiding him due toa guilty conscience, or some such nonsense.
Yes, your MIL is being unreasonable, but surely you knew better than to broach this whole “frank” discussion in her presence.
Weezer's Comment
This is between your husband and his father. Step back and let your husband make the next move. If he wants to visit with his dad, he can ask the dad to see him alone without the stepmom. From now on, stay out of it, except to be your husband's private sounding board if he needs to vent or figure out what to do.
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Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:
Dear Readers, , I began doing a radio show on campus. Just for fun, I decided to take a poll-with score sheet in hand-at school, at my place of part-time employment, and every-where I roamed. What I found was amazing. After polling several hundred people, the results are as follows: 51 percent preferred “over,” 37 percent preferred “under,” and 12 percent didn’t care as long as it was there. Even though many people laughed when they were asked, most had a strong preference and responded immediately. I’d like to share some of the reasons people gave to justify their pref-erences. They said things such as: “When the paper goes ‘over,’ it is easier to employ the ‘hit and spin’ technique.” “I hang mine ‘over’ so it doesn’t touch the wall.” “I like it ‘under’ because then it rests against the wall, out of the way.” “You will use less paper if you put it ‘under,’ especially if you have small children or pets.” One respondent said, “ ‘Over’ people are lazy. It takes more effort to reach when the paper is ‘under.’ ” Several respondents related stories of family arguments at the din-ner table. I was told that there was actually an episode of All in the Family where Archie yells at Michael for putting the paper “under.” I had a lot of fun with my survey and wanted you to know that after all these years, it’s still a topic of discussion. -T.D.A., Union, N.J.
