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Section: manners, manners, relationships, children, marriage

Dear Ann Landers,
My 32-year-old daughter is getting married for the second time. My daughter and I have a good relationship, but my ex-wife and I barely speak. She and my daughter made all the wedding preparations and paid for the whole thing without any assistance from me. I received a wedding invitation, but it excluded my fiancee, "Greta." Greta and I have been together for the past six years. During this time, my daughter has visited us often and always seemed comfortable with the relationship. Greta is very hurt and angry that she was not invited to the wedding. She asked me to speak to my daughter about the "oversight" and said that if no invitation was forthcoming, I should not go to the wedding, either. I spoke to my daughter, who told me it was the expressed desire of her mother, my ex-wife, not to invite Greta. My daughter receives a lot of financial help from her mother and is obviously reluctant to go against her mother's wishes. What should I do? If I attend the wedding alone, Greta will think I let her down. If I don't go at all, my daughter will assume I favor my fiancee over her and will be crushed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- Dad in Bonita, Calif.

Dear Dad,
Greta should have been invited to the wedding because she has been your significant other for six years. She was not invited, however, which means she is not welcome. It would be classy of Greta to say, "Go -- have a good time, and bring me a piece of wedding cake." If she does not choose to be gracious, go anyway. This is your daughter's day, and her wish to have you there takes precedence.

November 30, 2014 - 25 comments

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Comments:

Mary's Comment

The bride and groom should make all the parents and step parents welcome, each person may have had differing roles over the years in helping the young couple achieve their goals, but all should be appreciated. Of course the Mother of the bride wants to be special, she is. This is a good time for a somewhat splintered family to all be one and show the younger children how to do it right. More love is always better!

B's Comment

Nice job in making the fiancee become the fall guy for proper behavior. Why are you not calling out the manipulative behavior of the mother being allowed by the daughter? The daughter is 32 years old and is getting married for the second time. It's the daughter's responsibility to make people behave at HER wedding and not to allow her money-bag mother control the proceedings and allow for behavior that is utterly out of line and not acceptable.

Deming NM's Comment

The bride's father should just tell the bride and his ex that he is coming and bringing Greta and they can go suck lemons.

Reader Comment

What a mess the ex-wife has created! Nasty and she should be put in her place by the bride's father by bringing his significant other to the wedding. If the ex makes a public scene. They should both just then leave. Apparently their break up was not an agreed upon one but that is just my opinion.

Reader Comment

It's obvious from "Greta's" reaction of not being allowed to go to the wedding that this will most likely be the end of their (the bride's father and her) if he goes to the wedding alone. He'd better face up to the controlling MOB and Greta that this will be the end of one or the other 'friendship' (if you can call it that).

Reader Comment

I think Ann got it right. The wedding should be about the couple getting married, not anyone else. Whoever the bride and groom want to invite, they get to invite. It's not cool to add stress to an already stressful event for them. Greta wasn't invited by the bride, and in the end, it was the bride's choice to exclude her.

Reader Comment

I agree with Ann on this one. I had a recent experience where the mother of the bride had recently inherited a lot of money and took control of the wedding and completely left the father out of any decision making or even allowing him to make a toast at his own daughters wedding because of her bitterness over their divorce 12 years before. The couple had raised three children and were married for 25 years. I have been the significant other of the father for 10 years. I knew I would not be welcome by the mother and was fine with it and told my step daughter that I understood that it might be uncomfortable for her mother to have me at the wedding and that I just wanted for her to have a wonderful day. I really meant it and was stunned when I was actually invited. I think it only happened because I had said it would be ok not to be included. The wedding was beautiful but the shun of the father did not go unnoticed and became the sort of banter about the wedding. Here again, the mother has the money and insisted on paying for everything so it could be HER day. The father was not even allowed to participate in this respect but did give a generous gift to the couple after the big day. It is never easy but I do think the bride or couple, regardless of influences, have the last say.