Dear Ann Landers, Last New Year's Eve, my 15-year-old daughter had a party for her friends, under my supervision, of course. At midnight, while I was busy passing out soft drinks and food, I turned around to see "John," my 40-year-old boyfriend, kissing one of my daughter's 16-year-old friends. This was no ordinary peck on the cheek. The kiss was on the lips, and John's hands were planted firmly on her behind. The girl's arms were wrapped around his neck.
When I confronted Mr. Hot Stuff later that night, he said he'd had too much to drink and didn't know what he was doing. John has apologized at least five times, but I can't seem to get that steamy scene out of my mind. He is a caring, wonderful man with a heart of gold, and we get along very well. As far as I know, he has been 100 percent faithful. Until this happened, I was sure he was Mr. Right.
Should I forgive him for this one lapse, or is it a red flag that signifies a major character flaw? I need your advice. -- Unsure in Columbia, Ohio
Dear Columbia, I opt for the one-lapse explanation this time. Accept it. Alcohol can do strange things. Consider this a dead issue, and suggest that John stick to cola on future occasions.
Dear Ann Landers, My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have two fine children. Five years ago, my husband had an affair. I was devastated when I learned about it, but I did forgive him.
He promised never to see the woman again, and he has kept his word.
Here's the problem, Ann. The woman has kept in close touch with my in-laws for the past five years. My mother-in-law is well aware that this is very upsetting to me, but she continues to be friendly to the would-be home wrecker. Even my husband has asked his mother to stop seeing the woman, but she continues to be chummy. We moved from Florida partly to get away from this unpleasant situation, and believe it or not, this woman had the gall to move to this same small town.
My nerves are completely shot, and I am beginning to develop health problems because of this. Can you help me? -- Hurt in Alabama
Dear Alabama, You cannot do anything about that woman, but you can do something about yourself. Get some counseling at once. I've often said, "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission," and the same goes for "torturing." You must put on an emotional raincoat and let whatever comes your way slide off.
As for your mother-in-law, you have no right to dictate to her whom she should socialize with, so again, dear, put on that raincoat. Meanwhile, your doctor can give you something to settle your nerves.
Dear Ann Landers, My "significant other" (I'll call her Jasmine), after shacking up for two days with a former lover, suggested that we continue to be "companions." We were once married, but we divorced after a few years and have been going steady for nearly 20 years. We do not live together, but those who know us consider us a couple.
We had agreed if there were a problem, we would discuss it and try to work out a solution. The first inkling I had of the affair was when Jasmine called me from the airport to say she was headed out to meet her former lover, who was only in this country for a short time. I did not ask her any questions about her plans, and she didn't volunteer any details.
When she returned, she said there was no reason we couldn't continue our relationship as we had in the past, and that she intended to see the other guy three or four times a year. I told Jasmine she had no moral standards and that I wanted nothing more to do with her.
She claims she cannot understand my pain and disappointment and sees no reason for me to be upset. Is this woman a sociopath, or am I missing something? -- Perplexed in Portland
Dear Portland, You say you have been "going steady" with this woman for nearly 20 years, and now, she wants to meet a former lover three or four times a year? You are complaining that she has no moral standards. It sounds to me like the pot is calling the kettle black.
If you want this woman all to yourself, why haven't you remarried her? I think you two need a rest from each other so you can step back and re-evaluate your relationship. I recommend it.
Dear Ann Landers, Your advice to "A Split Opinion in the Midwest" left a lot to be desired. The woman who wrote wanted to keep her maiden name after marriage. Her husband, however, insisted that she take HIS name. You suggested she compromise by using her maiden name professionally and her husband's name socially.
I compromised by hyphenating our names when we married. It's made my husband happy, but I feel a tinge of resentment every time I sign my name. Of course, it is too late to change back to my maiden name, because people will assume we are getting a divorce, so I am stuck with my hyphenated name.
There are few things in life as personal as one's name. "Split's" fiance should not ask her to do something he would not be willing to do himself. After all, SHE is the one who has to live with her choice, not him. A fiance should make only those decisions regarding HIS name and give his future wife the same privilege. -- Mrs. Been There-Done That
Dear Mrs. BT-DT, You are not the only one who thought my "compromise" was less than ideal. Here are some additional letters on the subject:
From West Hartford, Conn.: Your "compromise" was a cop-out, Ann. Maintaining two names will not last, and "Split's" name will be the one that falls by the wayside. I not only kept my own name, but with my husband's encouragement, our two daughters also have my last name. I admit it can be confusing on occasion, but in 16 years, I have never regretted my decision.
Kansas City, Kan.: I changed my name because I believed it was silly to hold out when my fiance and I loved each other so much. Ten years and one divorce later, I see it differently. His insistence on my name change was the first in a long list of things he did to control me. He told me how to wear my hair, what clothes to buy, what couples to spend time with, where to take our vacations, what time I was to wake up on the weekends, and how long I could talk on the phone to family members and friends. If her fiance threatens not to marry her if she doesn't change her name, she should run as fast as she can in the opposite direction. The man is a control freak.
San Diego: In 1964, I was madly in love. When I told my fiance I wanted to keep my maiden name, he said, with tears in his eyes, "You don't love me." His mother said, "What if you have children? People will think they are illegitimate." Hyphenating Di Napoli-Poffenberger was ludicrous, so I caved in. I cannot describe the feelings I had about disappearing as an individual. I did not receive class-reunion invitations, and my friends could not find my name in the phone book. Twenty-five years later, I told my husband I was going back to my maiden name and that he should know I loved him by now. It was a pain in the neck to change everything, and some of our friends asked if we were splitting up, but it was worth the hassle. Please tell that bride who wrote to stick to her guns.
Buffalo, N.Y.: I just read this in the Buffalo News. I hope you will print it. When a 29-year-old man took his wife's last name, he was accused of trying to ingratiate himself to his new father-in-law, a powerful attorney. The man said, "My maiden name was a big hassle. I had to get a court order, and my credit-card companies still don't believe me." Surprisingly, the easiest thing to change was his Social Security card. After all, to the government, he's only a number.
Dear Ann Landers, When my sister and I were young, we were told our mother had died when we were babies. Two years ago, I was contacted by a woman claiming to be our biological mother. She had been searching for us for 33 years.
My father died 10 years ago, so I have no way of knowing the truth, but her story sounded legitimate. I am slow at developing new relationships. However, my sister, who lives on the opposite coast, welcomed the woman with open arms and began calling her "Mom" immediately. I was stunned when I learned that the woman had packed up and moved to be near my sister.
I invited my new mother to come stay with me for a week so I could get to know her better. I explained it might take me a while to adjust to her. A week after our visit, which I thought went well, I received an angry letter from her saying she was disappointed in our visit because I did not welcome her as warmly as my sister did, which hurt her feelings.
I tried to discuss it with her but got nowhere. I saw my sister not long ago, and she lectured me about my lousy relationship with our new mother. She made me feel terrible. Do I need professional help? I will get it if you say so. -- Washington Woes
Dear Washington, You have done nothing wrong. However, some short-term counseling to get you through this trauma might be a good idea. Meanwhile, be grateful that your sister and mother live on the other side of the country. Time can be a good healer. Let it do its work.
