Dear Ann Landers, I am the grandmother of a child who was put up for adoption. It was an open adoption, which means the adoptive parents send my son photographs and letters so he knows how his child is doing. The adoptive parents are lovely people, and my grandson is doing wonderfully. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.
Every Christmas and birthday, I send gifts to my grandson because I want him to know I care about him. The adoptive parents have a second child, and I make sure to send gifts to that child, too. The rest of my family disagrees with this. They say I should distance myself from the boy and stop keeping in touch with the adoptive parents.
Tell me, Ann, are they right? Is it a mistake for me to maintain a relationship with this child? The adoptive parents have never asked me to back off, nor has my son objected to my presence in the boy's life. Christmas will be here soon, and I would appreciate your opinion. -- Torn in Texas
Dear Texas, Who, exactly, is "the rest of the family," and what business is it of theirs? These people who are giving you this bum advice should be told you are dealing with the matter in your own way and that all parties involved are satisfied with how things are being handled. (That is shorthand for MYOB, and if they don't get it, spell it out for them.) Keep reading for a different kind of Grandma story:
Dear Ann Landers, I live in a nice suburb and have two well-adjusted children, a 6-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl. The problem is the 12-year-old boy who lives three doors away. He really is strange. I rarely see him with children his own age. He often plays with kids who are much younger than he is, including my own.
Other neighbors have mentioned this boy's peculiar and unpredictable nature. They do not trust him. He once bit a child and knocked another boy off his bicycle. Recently, I had a basketball hoop installed in our driveway. As soon as the hoop went up, the boy started to play there. After a week of showing up in our driveway, I told him he had to ring our bell and ask permission. After repeated attempts to get permission, with little success, he finally got the message. He then began peering in our windows like a Peeping Tom to see whether anyone was home so he could ring our bell. This spooked my wife.
Frankly, I don't want this boy around my house or my children. His father is a friendly guy but travels three weeks out of the month. His mother is cold and distant. Meanwhile, the boy continues to hang around our property.
Should I discuss my concern with the boy's father or simply continue to discourage his presence around our house? Please help. -- Worried Parent in Illinois
Dear Worried Parent, That child needs to be seen by a professional for evaluation. His behavior suggests that he has some problems that need attention. You should talk to the boy's father about your concerns, which sound legitimate to me. Meanwhile, make sure that an adult is present whenever he plays with your children.
Dear Ann Landers, My husband's mother passed away four years ago. His father remarried not long after, but my husband hasn't taken to his stepmother very well. He never speaks to her unless he absolutely has to.
Although there never has been an argument or a fight between them, the tension is obvious, and it is uncomfortable for everyone.
About two months ago, I had a long talk with my father-in-law and let him know that his son wanted a closer relationship. The minute I opened my mouth, his wife jumped in, made all kinds of accusations and stormed out. I admit I might not have been very diplomatic in my approach, but I figured it was best to be honest and lay my cards on the table. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do.
I have apologized to his wife for being so frank, but I cannot change the way I feel. Now, the woman avoids us completely, and I think she is persuading my father-in-law to do the same. I am afraid I have made things worse, and now, I want to make the situation better. Any ideas? -- Lost in Louisiana
Dear Louisiana, It is said that distance lends enchantment, and in this case, I recommend it -- for a while, at least. Maintain contact, but don't rehash the argument. Let the situation cool down. Don't try to butter up the woman or be obsequious. Just be pleasant. Ignore the past, and let time do its work.
Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around.
Dear Ann Landers, I am raising my 7-year-old granddaughter because her parents are divorced. I am concerned that the girl has an eating disorder. She eats no fruits or vegetables, and if I offer her something she doesn't like, she gags.
I realize children can be fussy eaters, but the reason I suspect a serious problem is because the girl's mother eats exactly the same way. My ex-daughter-in-law eats only at fast-food restaurants and limits herself to chicken and fish (fried, of course). She told me she has NEVER eaten a piece of fruit or a vegetable in her entire life. This woman is 29 years old. Her mother and brothers eat like this, too.
I'm at my wits' end to help my granddaughter eat a more healthy diet. When I try to force nutritious food on her, she throws up. I am worried about her health, Ann, and need some advice. -- Frustrated Grandma in Kentucky
Dear Grandma, The problem that needs attention is not what the child is eating but what is eating the child. She is using food as a weapon, and you need to learn how to deal with it.
I urge you to seek the guidance of a pediatrician who will recommend a therapist for this angry little girl. She needs help, and it's up to you to see that she gets it.
Dear Ann Landers, I just got a phone call from my son. He said, "I've been arrested for possession of marijuana with intent to distribute." I knew he had used marijuana on occasion, but I'm sure he never tried to sell it. A lawyer told me if someone is caught with marijuana, chances are the police will add "intent to distribute," even in the absence of supporting evidence. The accusation of intent changes the crime from a misdemeanor to a felony.
Ann, my son is a good kid who attends college and has a part-time job. He didn't hurt anyone. He didn't steal anything. He didn't cheat anybody. He was caught with marijuana for his own personal use, and for this, he could get 30 years in prison.
He has never gotten so much as a parking ticket.
I don't approve of smoking grass, nor do I approve of smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. But this punishment seems excessive. I can't help but think of the thousands of families who have suffered this same horror. These harsh laws hurt us all. People who criminalize marijuana believe users are dangerous addicts in dark trench coats, lurking near playgrounds, ready to pounce on young children.
I plead for compassion for those who are hurting only themselves when they use dangerous substances. What they need is counseling and medical intervention, not prison. Harsh laws don't work. Furthermore, it costs us a fortune in taxes to prosecute and incarcerate people who pose no danger to society. Enough. -- A Sad Mother in Va.
Dear Sad Mother, I'm sad about your son's predicament. If the police added "intent to distribute" without real evidence, your son will need the help of a competent lawyer who can get those charges dismissed.
I have long believed the laws regarding marijuana are too harsh. Those who keep pot for their own personal use should not be treated as criminals. Thirty years in prison makes no sense whatsoever. I'm with you.
