Dear Ann Landers, You have printed several letters from lonely grandparents who wonder why they never hear from their grandchildren. I'm a man who has the reverse of that problem.
I've been happily married for 21 years and have a teenage daughter and son. Since the day our children were born, my widowed mother has shown absolutely no interest in them whatsoever. I cannot understand this. Our children are every parent's dream. They are bright, well-mannered, respectful and a joy to be around.
When the kids were young, my mother made it clear she did not want to baby-sit, so we never asked her. When we make the 200-mile trip to her town, it's as if my wife and kids are invisible. She talks incessantly about her friends and social activities but never directs any conversation toward our children. The only acknowledgment she has ever given them is an annual birthday card. The one time she came to our home, she sat on the edge of the sofa and kept saying she needed to leave as soon as possible. She went home the next morning.
Am I expecting too much? My mother is in her 70s and is an intelligent woman. My children would love to have a caring grandmother, and I wish I could find a stand-in for them. At this point, I no longer want to visit my mother and subject my children to her indifference. Do you have any ideas on how to get her to warm up? -- Sad Son in N.C.
Dear N.C., You might as well try to warm up Siberia. Have you told her how much it would mean to you if she took an interest in your children? If she is willing to discuss it, you might be able to turn things around. If not, leave the family at home when you visit your mother, and spare everyone the aggravation.
Dear Ann Landers, I am concerned about the advice you gave "Befuddled," the teenager who was afraid her girlfriend, "Lottie," might be a lesbian because she slept in the nude when they shared a bed. You told her to continue the friendship but not to accept any more invitations to sleep over. Your response left me with a sinking feeling. When friends are uneasy about something like this, it is not OK to ignore it. Also, a friendship that is not based on trust can be hollow at best.
As a woman who works with lesbian and gay young people, I find it highly unlikely that Lottie is a lesbian. If such were the case, she would not have risked a negative reaction from her friend. Rejection from those they care about is one of the principal concerns of gay youth. All teenagers, gay and straight, should be encouraged to be honest with their peers and not engage in deception.
If the writer has worries and does not deal with them directly, the friendship will suffer. Please let her know that being gay is not the issue. The real issue is empowering young people to be forthright and vocal with each other about situations that make them uncomfortable. Staying silent accomplishes nothing and leaves them frustrated and confused. -- C.M. in the Southwest
Dear C.M., I had several complaints about my response to that letter and am inclined to think my answer was a dog. Your last sentence is a far better response. Thanks for cleaning up after me.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a 14-year-old girl and have a friend who is dominating my life. "Julia" calls me so often, my family has started making up excuses why I can't come to the phone. She invites me to her house every day. I usually decline because her brothers are foul-mouthed and Julia constantly gets into fights with her mother. Every time I go there, I come home feeling upset.
I no longer enjoy Julia's company, but she makes me feel so guilty that I wind up making plans with her anyway. I feel sorry for her because she doesn't seem to have any other friends. What makes it even worse is that she gets angry and jealous when I go out with other girls and don't include her. Frankly, my other friends don't like her. She's overly critical and says hurtful things.
I don't know how to get out of this relationship. I don't want to harm her obviously fragile self-confidence, so I lie about how much I value her friendship. When I think of how stuck I am in this situation, I end up in tears. Please tell me what to do. -- New Jersey
Dear N.J., You are very kind to remain friendly with Julia, even though she is domineering and difficult. You need not let her run your life, however. Make dates with other girls, and if Julia doesn't like it, too bad.
