Dear Ann Landers,
My husband, "Jim," and I have been married for two years. We dated for almost nine years before we married. Jim has always been moody and suffers from depression. I have suggested counseling and anti-depressant medication, but he refuses to get any help at all. Last summer, Jim and I got into a typical married-couple argument. It was no big deal, but he completely lost his temper. He threw our coffee table across the room and punched a hole in the wall over my head. He never apologized, and I let the incident blow over. Last Sunday, we had another minor disagreement. I left the room, and when I returned, Jim had thrown the Sunday paper in the trashcan, even though he knew I hadn't read it. I yelled at him, so he went into the kitchen and dumped the entire can of garbage into the middle of the living room. Later that evening, I told him I was not going to tolerate living in a house where things are thrown. He replied, "There are three doors in this place. Pick any one if you feel like leaving." I love Jim, but I fear his volatile behavior. I avoid arguments and don't complain about things because I hate confrontations with him. I am at the end of my rope. What should I do? -- Trying To Save My Marriage in Chicago

Dear Chicago,
Tell Jim, "Either get into counseling for anger management, or GET OUT." That man is making your life a living hell, and you should not have to put up with it. For his good, as well as for those who must be around him, Jim needs to face up to his problem and deal with it. You also need to protect yourself.

Dear Ann Landers,
I am engaged to a wonderful man I have known for four years. "Dudley" and I plan to be married next summer. He is a kind soul and a perfect gentleman. Everything was great until a few weeks ago, when Dudley started to hit me while he was asleep. The first time, he punched my rear end with his fist and then stopped suddenly. Last night, he hit me in the stomach twice. Both times, I woke him up and expressed astonishment. He was completely unaware of what he had done. When I asked him why he was hitting me, he said he had no recollection of doing it and wondered if maybe I dreamt it. Well, Ann, I was definitely not dreaming. Dudley did indeed hit me. I asked if he perhaps dreamed he was in a fight, and he said it was possible, but he never remembers his dreams. I find this hard to believe because I remember mine. I am truly concerned that Dudley has a subconscious wish to hurt me. Please tell me how to handle this. -- Bruised in Dallas

Dear Bruised,
It sounds as if Dudley is a mighty restless sleeper. I doubt that he wants to hurt you. He could be dreaming about a schoolyard bully or a boss he hated years ago. You would, however, be safer in twin beds. The important thing is that he doesn't hit you while he is awake.

Dear Ann Landers,
I am writing about something that happened in our town not long ago. A woman was killed in her own home by her husband. The woman had neighbors who heard her scream for help, but they chose not to become involved. This will haunt them forever, knowing they might have saved her life and instead did nothing. I have been in a similar situation. I was out in the street one night, trying to get away from my abusive husband. He had knocked me down and was pounding my head into the pavement. I was screaming for help, but no one came. After he left me alone, a woman came out of her house and said she "hoped we had resolved our problems." Fortunately, I survived, and through Al-Anon, counseling and good friends, I finally got my life together. I know others who, like me, needed to be rescued but weren't because people "didn't want to get involved." People need to help one another. Even if they call 911 and it turns out to be a false alarm, so what? You never know when you might be saving a life. -- Santa Barbara, Calif.

Dear Santa Barbara,
There are times when MYOB is the best policy, but when someone is screaming for help is not one of those times. The next letter says it far better than anything I could come up with:

Dear Ann Landers,
We read your column about "Dudley," the young man who became violent when he slept and hit his girlfriend. She was concerned that he harbored some kind of secret hostility toward her. You said as long as Dudley didn't hit her while he was awake, he meant no harm. Dudley may have a sleep disorder known as REM Sleep Behavior Disorder (RSBD). Normally during dream sleep, we are unable to move the muscles of the arms and legs. With RSBD, the inhibition of muscle movement is impaired, and the person may actually act out parts of his or her dreams, unaware of the behavior until some injury occurs. The good news is that sleep disorders such as RSBD can be diagnosed and treated successfully. People who suffer from insomnia, excessive daytime sleepiness or frequent leg movements before and during sleep, or who fall asleep at work, at the movies or when driving, should not hesitate to speak to their primary-care doctors about these sleep and alertness problems. For the names and addresses of accredited sleep centers, your readers can send a large, stamped, self-addressed envelope to the American Sleep Disorders Association, 6301 Bandel Rd., Suite 101, Rochester, Minn. 55901 (www.asda.org). -- Lauren Broch, Ph.D., director of education and training, and Margaret Moline, M.D., director, New York Presbyterian Hospital's Sleep-Wake Disorders Center

Dear Dr. Broch and Dr. Moline,
Thank you for providing an authoritative explanation for Dudley's behavior. You have made it quite clear that his sleep problems are not connected to his feelings for his girlfriend -- which will no doubt come as a great relief to her. Let's hope Dudley gets the help he needs so she can get a good night's sleep. Gem of the Day: To fail to forgive is to destroy the bridge over which one day you may want to travel.

Dear Ann Landers,
You printed a letter from a woman whose husband beat her up on the street in front of their house. She wanted to know why no one came to her aid when she screamed for help. Well, there are two sides to every story. I have a neighbor who has been beaten up and seriously injured by the man she lives with, and I no longer call the police. The first time I heard her screaming, I almost broke my neck getting to the phone to call for help. Then, I knocked on her door, thinking my presence might prevent the situation from escalating. After the police came, she told them she didn't want to press charges, and that was the end of it. The second time, I heard screaming and breaking glass, and I again called the police. They arrested the man and took my neighbor to the hospital, where she had her jaw rewired and several stitches on her forehead. She refused to press charges. The next morning, her "live-in" was back in the house. That very night, he threw her down the outside concrete steps (all 15 of them), and I called the police. The woman spent several weeks in the hospital with both legs in casts. Guess what. Her live-in picked her up from the hospital and brought her home. As soon as the casts were off, he beat her up again. Now when she screams, I turn up the TV. The police are tired of coming, and I am tired of calling them. This woman needs help, but the police aren't the answer. Several neighbors have suggested that she get some counseling, but she insists that her boyfriend loves her and has promised it's going to get better. It's been nearly five years since I moved here. They are still together, and he is still beating her up. I am minding my own business. -- Gave Up in Pennsylvania

Dear Penn.,
In most cases of domestic abuse, alcohol or drugs play a big part. It's difficult to help people who refuse to help themselves, but please don't give up. Intervention by neighbors can save lives. I will continue to recommend it.