Dear Ann Landers,
"My wife doesn't talk to me unless she has a beef against my family or a complaint about the kids or me. We haven't had a pleasant conversation in years. When we were going together, the evenings were never long enough. We never got it all said. What happened anyway?" The ability to talk things over is the adhesive agent that cements marriages. The husband and wife who can tell it to each other are not likely to tell it to the judge. Incompati-bility is a vague word at best. Usually it is another way of saying "We couldn't talk." The spoken word is only one means of communication. A wink can be eloquent. A raised eyebrow, a smile, a frown, a pat; they all say something. A great deal has been written and spoken about woman's intuition. While I concede that this may be one of her greatest assets, I am certain some of the magic called intuition is simply the intimate knowl-edge of a familiar face. Individuals who are observant and able to read subtle facial expressions can learn a great deal without exchanging a word. Problem areas in marriage are best resolved, however, by the spoken word, and I don't mean verbal assault and bat-tery. There can be useful, honorable-even noble-battles in marriage. And there can be vicious, destructive fighting. 58 HOW TO STAY MARRIED All married couples should leam the art of noble battle as they leam the art of making love. It is forthright but never cruel; it is objective, honest, and confined to the problem under discussion. Most arguments get out of hand because one or both parties depart from the central issue. The wife may drag in something from left field in an effort to wound her husband or to cover up the weakness of her own posi-tion. Good battle is healthy. It dears the air. It allows the other person to know what you are thinking and it brings to marriage the printiple of an equal partnership. When a woman writes "I'm afraid to open my mouth. He can't take criticism without flying into a rage," I know there is no communication between the couple and that the poor wife is married to a tyrant Meaningless chatter may be an outlet, but it is not com-munication. Witness this complaint: "My wife's family is a gabby bunch. They talk con-stantly. Sometimes they don't make much sense, but they sure do manage to keep the words going back and forth. My family is quiet. I was brought up not to say anything unless I could improve on silence. My wife doesn't under-stand this." The woman who marries a no-talk type ("Yup" is a whole speech) sees it another way. One suburban New York wife wrote: "After three hours of not saying one solitary word, I handed Ralph the laundry list and said, 'Please read this to me. I just want to hear your voice.' " The quality of the conversation is what counts, however, and not the quantity. Some couples talk easily about poli-tics, the neighbors, current books, or assorted trivia. This is HOW TO STAY MARRIED 59 useful, but the talking that builds a marriage and keeps it in good repair is the honest, below the surface kind. Conversa-tions that advance real understanding deal with personal feelings. The man and wife who can articulate ideas and feelings which they would not express to anyone else usu-ally have a good marriage. In every family there are some subjects which should be avoided. A remark critical of a man's mother, sister, or brother can, in some circumstances, set off a small war. The wise wife leams to side-step certain sensitive subjects. Equally explosive are a husband's frequent references to a former sweetheart. A Louisville woman wrote: "I never thought I could do such a thing, but when Bill began to rave for the fiftieth time about his old girl friend's fantastic shape, I hit him with the frying pan." Here are some choice phrases guaranteed to irritate: "I'm going to tell you something for your own good." "I've put off mentioning this because I know how sensi-tive you are." "I don't like to make comparisons, dear, but my brother Sam would have done it this way." "I was hoping you'd learn this yourself, but since you haven't I'll have to teach you." "You aren't going to like what I am about to say, but please pay me the courtesy of hearing me out." Learning the phrases and subjects to avoid is part of the diplomacy of marriage. And learning to tolerate less-than- fascinating conversation is part of marriage, too. A husband should be able to talk to his wife about business problems (and even brag a little if he wants to) without fearing that she'll yawn in his face. A wife should be able to discuss the events of the day without being made to feel that she is boring her husband to death. 6o HOW TO STAY MARRIED Eveiy married couple should discuss their children and decide together what is best for them. One of the chief reasons many children are able to drive a wedge between parents (thus, playing one off against the other) is because Mom doesn't know where Dad stands and Dad isn't aware that Mom has already said no. To present a united front, parents must keep in close communication and decide family policy in regard to hours, car privileges, and so on. This prevents missed signals, wrangling and misunderstand-ing. The united front family insists on loyalty. Clearly, a man and wife should not bicker, quarrel, or criticize one another in the presence of others. Letters from both men and women underline the importance of self-discipline. A wife from Kansas City wrote: "He's sweet as pie until we get out in company. It's almost as if he waits for an audience so he can belittle my cooking or make cracks about my weight." A Honolulu husband said: "My wife makes me fed like two cents whenever her family is around. She keeps saying in front of her relatives that someday she hopes to have a few of the nice things her sisters have. Their husbands all make big money and she doesn't let me forget it" Every social circle has at least one couple notorious for "fighting it out in public." The husband or wife who at-tempts to humiliate his mate only succeeds in working up sympathy for the victim and an active dislike for himself. Some couples are dropped by their friends because their dreary and incessant arguing makes others uncomfortable. The summary, then, is this: Accept the fact that there is bound to be conflict in every marriage. Don't be ashamed when you can't agree on everything. It is foolish to pretend HOW TO STAY MARRIED 6l conflict doesn't exist. A marriage where there is total agree-ment needs looking into. Someone is not being honest about his feelings. Constructive, honest talking is essential to a good marriage. If something is on your mind, don't just sit there and build an ulcer. Don't let tensions multiply. Work them out as they come along. Say something. But remember to say it privately. And finally-never go to bed mad. Get outside help Often a visit with an objective third party is precisely what is needed to get a derailed marriage back on the track. I discourage married couples from taking their problems to relatives. In special instances it may work out, but as a general rule the less said to relatives about family problems, the better. Marriage counseling services are available in almost every city. Readers who live in small towns should contact the Family Service Bureau or the Y.M.C.A. in the nearest metropolitan city and learn of the available facilities. The clergyman is another excellent source of help. A reader from Cleveland wrote: "Thank you for sending me to my minister. He has opened doors for me that I never knew existed. What a wonderful person he is, Ann! And to think he has been available all these years and I didn't even know it." And remember, you can always write to Ann Landers. Marriage and money problems Comparatively few readers write to me about money problems. Since ours is considered a materialistic society, this is surprising-to me, at least. 62 HOW TO STAY MARRIED Women who write about money usually complain about stingy husbands. The following letter is perhaps extreme, but it makes the point: "What do you think about a husband who keeps cross-ing things off the grocery list because he says they aren't necessary? He says You don't need to buy laundry bleach. Clothes don't have to be snow white. The kids don't need sweet cookies. Let 'em eat crackers. Why buy shampoo when you can wash your hair with a bar of soap? Floors don't need to be waxed. Just keep 'em clean. Furniture polish is a waste of money. Rub a little harder.' We aren't rich people, but we can afford some of the extras in life. It bums me up that he is so tight with me while he spends money on hunting and fishing equipment, drinks for the boys and card playing. I get no allowance. He handles all the money. I'll have to shake four cents out of the baby's bank to mail this letter. Please tell me what to do. I'm fed up to here." I tell wives who do write about this problem that unless a woman is addle-brained or alcoholic, she should be able to handle the grocery money without supervision. It is de-grading to be followed around in a store and told what to buy. Most wives do a remarkable job of stretching the pay check. I doubt that their husbands could do as well. As a matter of self respect every wife, if her husband is employed, should have an allowance for herself. She should be free to spend a few dollars a week as she pleases and be accountable to no one. Policies regarding family finances are best ironed out be-fore marriage. It should be decided in advance who is to handle the money and pay the bills. In some marriages the husband is better qualified. Often, however, it is the wife. A man from Atlanta told me: HOW TO STAY MARRIED 63 "We were broke and in debt the first two years of our marriage. I was handling the money and I couldn't make ends meet. My wife asked for a chance to take over. I figured she couldn't do much worse than I had done, and maybe she could do better. In less than a year she had us out of debt and she had $250 put away in the bank. She certainly surprised me. I take my hat off to her." The wife who is in charge of the family purse strings should see to it that her husband has enough spending money. It's rough for a man to have to ask his wife for cigarette change or "a couple of dollars to buy gas for the car." The husband who turns his pay check over to his wife should get money to cover his daily expenses, and he should not be expected to account for every dime. If both husband and wife are working, I recommend that the checks be pooled and the incomes treated as one. A good marriage should be a partnership-spiritual, moral, physical, and financial. There should be no "mine" and "thine"-only "ours." Accept the realities of marriage To improve any situation we must all start here and now with what we are and with the resources at our command. There is no turning back the clock or undoing what has been done, unless you are a magician, in which case this chapter is not for you. Most married people, if they are honest, will admit that marriage isn't all they had hoped it would be No union between earthly creatures can possibly measure up to the florid promises of the movies, love novels, and advertise-ments for cedar chests. Married life as we live it is certain to come off second best when compared with our popular romantic fantasies. Somerset Maugham summed it up 64 HOW TO STAY MARRIED neatly: "American wives expect to find in their husbands a perfection English women only hope to find in their butlers." It is essential, then, if we are to enjoy a mature rela-tionship, to accept the realities of married life. It has been said that rose-colored glasses do not come in bifocals be-cause nobody reads the small print in dreams. Examine the small print in the marriage contract; perhaps it will help you to put your own marriage in its proper perspective. America has the largest middle class in the world. The very rich and the very poor are a small percentage of this country's population. Less than one-tenth of one per cent of American males have an annual income of $10,000 a year or more. The picture of the average American woman as an over- privileged, pampered house cat is preposterous. It is not the Junior League or the yacht club that consumes the average woman's time and energy. It's a plugged sink, Billy's measles, patching clothes, marketing, cooking, washing and ironing, stretching an inadequate pay check and drag-ging her husband away from the TV set so he'll pay a little more attention to her. The following letter from Houston tells the story for thousands of women: "The kids are in bed, the dishes are stacked in the sink and there's plenty of mending I could do, but I'm going to let everything sit. Tonight I'm keeping a promise I made to myself a year ago. I'm going to write to Ann Landers. "Jack and I have been married sixteen years. He had a good education and I always told myself he'd make the grade. Well, he never has-quite. The pay check barely covers the necessities. Our five kids, God bless them, are healthy and smart, but they keep me on the brink of exhaustion. HOW TO STAY MARRIED 65 "If Jack takes me to a movie every couple of weeks, it's a big deal. He's a swell guy, and I do love him, but this isn't exactly what I expected out of life. A meal in a res-taurant would be like a dream come true. I'm yearning for just a little bit of real fur on a suit. Tell me, Ann, is this a life? Jane" The reply: "You bet it's a life, Jane, and a darned good one. Did you know that people can get just as exhausted from bore-dom as from overwork? And sirloin in a restaurant can begin to taste like sawdust after a while, too. "I've had stacks of letters from women with open charge accounts asking what to do with their lives. And many write about problems that resulted from too much leisure. They sought escape from boredom through alcohol and extra-marital affairs. "Sure you get fed up, everybody does, but don't lose your perspective. You've got the things that count. Pity the poor millionaire. He'll never know the thrill of paying that final installment." It is vital to your mental and physical health that you leam to accept your mate as he is. It's a foolish mistake to figure that after marriage you will make him (or her) over to suit your specifications. By the time a man or woman is of marriageable age, the behavior patterns are set. This is not to say there will be no personality changes, no emotional or intellectual development. Maturity should come with the passing years. As our horizons broaden, we should become less petty, more patient and understanding. The man at forty-four is not what he was at twenty-four. The woman at thirty-eight has grown beyond the notion that the most important goal in life was the presidency of her sorority. A wise husband or wife can subtly influence his mate and, by example, demonstrate that some approaches to life 66 HOW TO STAY MARRIED work better than others. But it won't be achieved by at-tempting to impose ideas on an unwilling subject or by nagging criticism. Since marriage is the most intimate and most demanding of all adult relationships, conflict is inevitable. A woman meets a crisis like a woman. She's likely to weep when she's frustrated or angry. A man is more apt to raise his voice and spout forth a stream of verbal complaints or he may clap on his hat and leave the house for a few hours. Try to re-member to attack the problem and not each other. Personal habits can be a source of real trouble. It is my opinion (but many readers have disagreed with me) that a man is neat or he is not neat when you marry him, de-pending on the training he received from his mother. The next letter is typical of a complaint which has come to me from every state in the union, plus Panama, Puerto Rico, Canada, Nassau and Scotland. "My husband thinks you are God's gift to the American husband. Me-I would like to wring your neck. Several months ago you said a wife should iron the bed sheets if her husband likes them that way, so I started to iron the bed sheets on your say so. That controversy led to whether a woman should iron her husband's shorts. You said 'if a husband wants his shorts ironed-then iron 'em.' So my big slob, who never knew that shorts could be ironed, showed me the column and said 'Ann thinks you should iron my shorts from now on.' "I was pretty burned up; in fact I even considered send-ing you a bundle of my husband's shorts to iron, but I de-cided to be a good sport and go along with it. Now you come along with the insane advice that a wife should pick up after her husband. If you can tell me why an able- bodied man should get this kind of service, I'll do as you say and never mention it again. Livid Viv" HOW TO STAY MARRIED 67 I told Livid Viv (and hundreds of other women who bombarded me with invective) that if a woman marries a man who leaves his pajamas on the floor, his ties on the doorknob, and his shorts wherever he happens to drop them, she should pick up after him and say nothing. He was brought up that way and no amount of nagging is likely to change him. Pick up after him not for his sake, but for yours. The time involved can't possibly amount to more than ten minutes a day. Does it make sense to fuss and fume over something so insignificant? Constant "re-minding" makes you a nag and you usually wind up pick-ing up after him anyway. Then everybod/s mad. It's not worth it. Perfection is achieved only when one can be in complete control of one's self at all times. This means operating on an even keel, with no sharp peaks and valleys, no moods, no loss of temper, no display of vanity, anxiety, weakness, indecision or despair. If such a person exists, I would like to have him dipped in bronze and put on display in the Smithsonian Institution. Physical condition has an important bearing on behavior. A woman does not feel the same every day of the month. Neither does a man. The endocrine system, which is the glandular network regulating our energy output, has a di-rect effect on disposition and personality. All of us operate in cycles. Even in the course of a single day energy peaks vary. The man who could go bear hunting with a switch at eight in the moming may fold like an accordion 12 hours later. His wife may not come alive until noon. Timing is crucial. The tired husband is likely to be ir-ritable and negative. The moment he walks into the house is not the appropriate time to shove the bills in his face and complain about the children. The woman who has 68 HOW TO STAY MARRIED had a particularly trying day is not likely to be fit as a fiddle and ready for love. In accepting the realities of marriage, try to see the hu-mor in situations which may seem deadly serious at the mo-ment. Laughter offers a healthy release from tension and anxiety. It is an ideal device to head off a big argument or to end a small one. The husband who wrote that his wife bums him up because she squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle had no sense of humor, and less imagina-tion. (Being a middle-squeezer myself I know it's a habit which was acquired early.) The man who is so exacting that he can't tolerate a tube squeezed from the middle should develop a sense of humor for the sake of his blood pressure. Finally Think of your marriage in terms of what's right with it rather than what's wrong with it. If you can look at a bottle and say "it's half full" rather than "it's half empty" your approach is positive, and this philosophy will help make a marriage work. Think in terms of "we" and "us" rather than "me" and "I." Don't envy your neighbor because his or her marriage may look more exciting or glamourous. You never know what's going on behind closed doors and drawn drapes. They may be envying you. The only home life about which you will ever know the whole truth is your own. Broaden your perspective and measure the good aspects of your marriage against the bad. Then, when the sledding gets a little bumpy (and you can be sure it will), remember that wonderful old Yiddish adage "Ahless in ainem nish-taw bah kainem," which means in any language "Everything in one person-nobody's got it." � six T Must we outlaw the inAawi "Wherefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh." Genesis 2:24 I he only sure way to avoid in-law trouble," said a Jl latter-day wit, "is to marry an orphan." How serious is the in-law problem? Has it been exag-gerated? Has the American mother-in-law earned her black eye or is she the innocent victim of gag-writers? My mail provides daily evidence that the in-law problem is no myth. Experts say in-laws figure in three out of every five divorces. Is it any wonder the cry "outlaw the in-law" is heard throughout the land! Our social critics say the American matriarchy has shunted Dad so far into the background that he isn't even important enough to make trouble. This may be more than 69 70 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? a lame joke. The evidence I've seen indicates that the mother-in-law is at least 50 times as troublesome as the father-in-law. And in most cases the problem is the hus-band's mother. When the wife's mother is the central cause for marital discord, it presents an unusually trying problem for the husband. The mama-dominated wife never gets over feeling like a naughty child when she goes against her mother's wishes, or heaven forbid, when she puts her husband first. The most troublesome relative, after the mother-in-law (his or hers) is the sister-in-law (usually his sister). The brother-in-law is close on her heels and the father-in-law comes straggling in a poor fourth. An Indiana attorney wrote: "I've been practicing law for over 15 years and have handled hundreds of divorce cases. I do not approve of divorce and I try to effect a reconciliation whenever pos-sible. It is my opinion that two-thirds of all divorces can be traced directly to in-law trouble. Not only are parents at fault, but grandparents, brothers, sisters and even shirt- tail relatives are often responsible for broken marriages. "If in-laws would make it their business to mind their own business, the divorce courts would not be so crowded." The threadbare phrase "I'm marrying him (or her), not the whole family," is unrealistic. In rare instances it is possible to steer clear of all relatives. But generally, even if physical separation is accomplished, it is difficult to sever the emotional bonds. Family ties are like roots, and roots lie buried beneath the surface. The mother who wont let go of her son One of the singular aspects of the mother-in-law prob-lem is that wives thousands of miles apart use almost MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? 71 identical language to describe it. The letter that follows came from a small town in Connecticut. It might have come from any one of hundreds of cities where my column appears. "My mother-in-law's interference is ruining my mar-riage. She bosses my husband as if he were a child. When he takes her side, I want to walk out of the house and never come back. I don't know how much longer I can take it." This, of course, is the way the daughter-in-law sees it, and she could be justified. It may be, however, that she is too sensitive or overly critical. I have suggested to thou-sands of couples who are plagued with in-law troubles that they visit a marriage counselor or a clergyman and verbalize their feelings. An unbiased third party, trained in handling family problems, may give them both a fresh look at the other side. The daughter-in-law is often unaware of the problems of a mother of three or four adult children who suddenly finds herself with an empty nest. For the past twenty years she has been busy with her children and then, one by one, they leave her. Her interests are frequently limited to a club or church group. Life becomes frighteningly empty and sterile. She has nothing important or demanding to occupy her time and energy, so she turns to "helping" her newly-mar-ried children. She means well, but a young bride who wants to work things out in her own way may consider it med-dling. When mother-in-law offers suggestions to Betty on what to do about Ted's cold (after all, who knows better than a boy's mother?) Betty interprets it as "butting in." A mar-riage counselor or a clergyman can point out that a mother's interest in her son is normal and that a mother-in-law can 72 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? be useful to a daughter-in-law who is willing to accept gracefully a few well-intentioned suggestions. This next letter from Virginia illustrates a problem which is more complex because it involves two gravely neurotic people-a mother and her son: "My mother-in-law is making a nervous wreck out of me. She lives in an apartment about two miles from us (the closest one she could find) and my husband is her sole means of support Her medicine bills and doctors cost us a fortune. She takes pills to go to sleep, to wake up, to calm her nerves, balance her thyroid, slow up her breath-ing and pep up her blood. Three times last week she phoned us in the middle of the night to say she was dying. My husband dragged himself out of bed and rushed to her bedside. She's been pulling this same stunt for ten years. The doctors can find nothing organically wrong with her. She'll probably bury me. I've tried to tell my husband she is a clever woman who fakes illness to get attention. He says she is his mother and whatever she wants him to do, he will do whether it makes sense or not. Can you suggest a course of action for me? Fed to the Teeth" The wife who is trapped in such a situation has a rough life. Her best hope is to persuade her husband to seek psychiatric treatment so that one day he may detach him-self from his domineering and demanding mother. A grown man who says, "Whatever my mother wants me to do I will do whether it makes sense or not" concedes that he is operat-ing at an infantile level. If the mother-in-law is unbearably punishing, I advise the wife to tell Junior to go live with Mama until he grows up, and I suggest that she remind him to send the support checks in the mail. The most difficult of all the mother-in-law problems in- MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? 73 volves the only son of a widowed or divorced woman. Young men who grow up with no male influence in the home are often poor marriage risks. There are exceptions, of course, but the evidence is heavily weighted on the nega-tive side. Some months ago, I received the following letter from a North Carolina bride: "I am writing this letter on my wedding night. My groom and I were married this afternoon in a beautiful church ceremony. We left the hotel reception at about eight-thirty in the evening and drove to this lovely little resort hotel. The first thing my husband did when we arrived here was telephone his mother. They talked for thirty minutes and he spent most of the time comforting her and trying to get her to stop crying. After the con-versation he flopped down on the bed, bawled for ten minutes, cracked open a pint of bourbon, drank it and passed out." Her signature, several pages later, was "Unmarried Wife." If you think such neurotic relationships exist only be-tween mother and son, please read the next letter. This problem occurs less frequently. But it does happen. "Our son went steady with a lovely girl for two years. The girl's father died when she was thirteen and she and her mother were like sisters. We knew they were close, but we didn't realize they were crazy. We should have known something was wrong when the mother moved to the college town and took a selling job to be near her daughter. After graduation B and J had a nice wedding. On the wedding night J complained of a sick headache. The next day she said her eyes hurt. That night her back ached. The next morning she scribbled a note saying she couldn't bear to think of her mother alone so she had taken the bus home. What can our son do? Shocked Parents" 74 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? Again, psychiatric help is the only solution. But too often, as I told this woman, professional help is rejected. The sick ones defend their behavior with such fancy (and even admirable) labels as "mother love," "family devotion" and "filial loyalty." When I advised a New York reader to get outside help before his mother's apron strings throttled his marriage, he replied: "There is nothing wrong with me, Ann Landers. You are the one who needs professional help. My wife is twenty-eight years old. She has her whole life before her. My mother is sixty-four. I shall continue to spend every January in Florida with my mother as long as she lives. My wife belongs home with the children." Competition between the generations Some women dislike their mothers-in-law even before they meet and it's the husband's fault. He sometimes paints such glowing pictures of "

dear old mom” that he gives the girl an inferiority complex, and plants a premature dislike for this paragon in-law. Many mother-in-law problems are bound up in some way with food, perhaps because food is an ancient symbol for love. It may be the unconscious motivation for two women who attempt to battle it out in the kitchen. These complaints tell the story,
"My husband's mother phones him at work and asks him to stop by her house for his favorite dish-meatballs and cabbage." Or, "My mother- in-law insists on bringing matzo-ball soup over here be-cause she knows Lou loves it, and I can't make it as well as she can." A woman who had been married seven years wrote, "My mother-in-law comes over every Wednesday and takes over my kitchen. She likes to prepare special Italian dishes for her son. I've asked her for recipes dozens MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? 75 of times, but she claims she never measures anything." I tell these wives they can only win by cooperating. If a mother-in-law wants to prepare special dishes and bring them over-fine. If she wants to come to the house once a week and cook a meal, what's wrong with that? Many women are happy to pay a caterer a good price to do the same thing. If a mother-in-law finds pleasure in doing these things for her son, why fly into a rage? The smart wife who permits her mother-in-law the satisfaction of mixing batter in her kitchen now and then often insures that her mother- in-law will not mix in more vital matters. When I was a bride of twenty-one, my husband let me know that he loved eggplant Romanian style, the way his mother made it. On my first trip to Detroit, some months later, I asked my mother-in-law to show me how to prepare the dish. Step number one was burning the vegetable over the open flame on a gas stove. Step number two-add a raw onion and chop the eggplant and onion together for twenty minutes. I knew then and there I would never make the grade because I loathe chopping onions. After many failures with this miserable vegetable I decided to let my mother- in-law have the title of Eggplant Queen. Whenever my husband goes to Detroit, he stops at his mother's to in-dulge in a huge bowl of Romanian eggplant. She enjoys every tear shed over that wooden chopping bowl, he gets eggplant up to his ears, and everybody's happy. Newlyweds should live alone Newlyweds will be happier in a one-room apartment, even if it's under a bowling alley, than in a mansion which belongs to parents. Every young couple should be free to settle its differences privately, outside the hearing range of relatives. They should have a place of their own in which 76 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? to make the transition from cloud nine to down-to-earth living. No two women make a bed or peel a potato exactly the same way. The mother-in-law may make a better apple pie, but even if it isn't better, her son will probably think it is because he grew up on it. Because of the natural competi-tion between a man's wife and his mother, stage settings for conflict should be kept to a minimum. Living under one roof is bound to produce a long list of small irritations. And an accumulation of irritations can add up to an atomic ex-plosion after several months. Newlyweds often have difficulty adjusting sexually. In-laws in an adjoining bedroom can complicate the prob-lem. Young marrieds are frequently shy and the knowledge that parents are close by can be horribly inhibiting. One young bride wrote from Salt Lake City: "We moved into my mother-in-law's home because she begged us to. She said she would be lonely by herself in that big house, and explained that it would give us a chance to save some money until Jack got on his feet. After the first week I knew it was a foolish move. Our sex life was awful. His mother always managed to knock on our door at the wrong time." Who should come Erst, the wife or the husband's mother? If I could hand every newly married couple a framed motto as a wedding gift, it would say this: "Your first allegiance is to each other. Let no man or woman come be-tween you." No, I am not suggesting that the parents of newly married couples should join the foreign legion. My motto, however, would spare millions of young people the agony of split loyalties. The man who is unwilling to put his wife before his MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? J] mother is not sufficiently mature for marriage. The woman who is unable to put her husband before her parents is not sufficiently grown up to be a wife. A young wife wrote that just as she was going into labor her husband left her to drive his mother to a bridge party. I knew that short of a miracle she would feel forever second to her mother-in-law. The humiliated woman wrote: "I had to phone the neighbor next door to drive me to the hospital. I'll never get over the shame." Realigning loyalties can be agonizing, particularly when a parent is involved. Feelings of guilt can play havoc when a choice must be made between two people who are close to us. Sons and daughters who have been reared successfully do not feel that marriage imposes a choice; there are no pangs of guilt attached to leaving mama and papa. The goal for all children should be independence. The successful parent prepares his child to stand on his own and be a central figure in another family. Too often the parent who refuses to let go and insists "my child needs me" is twisting the facts. What he means is "I need my child." The adult approach is to recognize the different kinds of love. It is possible to love-and at the same time-a wife, a mother, a sister and a grandmother, cherry pie, football, Lincoln, Rembrandt, and Bach. But we don't love them all in the same way. The kind of love which results in marriage should be unique. It should be a combination of admira-tion, respect, physical desire, mutual interests and mutual goals. The key to the in-law problem-independence Some newlyweds as well as long-married couples create their own in-law trouble. They feel free to borrow money, accept large financial gifts, drop in on mom for meals any 78 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? old tíme, ask her to baby-sit and present her with their youngsters when they go on trips. If the mother-in-law is used as a sitter because she is handy and free, then the mother should be content to let her unpaid sitter discipline the children in her own way. If the disciplinary methods are not to the young wife's liking, she does not have the right to complain. I frequently receive letters from wives who say: "My mother-in-law is ruining our children. When we leave them at her house weekends, they run wild. She gives them candy and ice cream between meals, lets them watch TV until they fall asleep on the floor, and she doesn't even insist that they keep their hair combed and their faces clean." I tell such women to hire a sitter and give her orders. It's cheaper in the long run and it will save wear and tear on everyone. Independence from in-laws is vital if young marrieds are to build a solid relationship. A husband and wife should not carry their personal disagreements to the homes of their parents, either individually or together. Husband and wife troubles should be settled between themselves. One wise mother-in-law from San Luis Obispo wrote: "When my daughter-in-law and son begin to raise their voices and I see an argument brewing, I leave. I don't want to witness any quarrels. I don't ever want to be asked to take sides." The wife who tattles on her husband and the husband who down-grades his wife are disloyal. The knowledge that a mate has blabbed about intimate family problems can destroy for all time the trust and confidence which are es-sential to a sound marriage. The mature husband and wife run little danger of in-law MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? 79 interference because they were reared to lead their own lives. Mature people don't get that way by accident. They can make decisions, accept responsibility for themselves, and they don't whine to mom and dad when things go wrong. In-laws can be wonderful The Bible story of Naomi and Ruth eloquently describ-ing the devotion between a woman and her daughter-in-law has been repeated millions of times in every country in the world. Many warm and beautiful in-law relationships exist today, as my mail testifies. Often when readers write about unrelated problems, I note the line: "My mother-in-law is a marvelous person. She has helped us in so many ways. I love her dearly." To all mothers-in-law I would like to say this: If you once had to put up with an interfering mother-in-law, try to re-member what it was like. Spare your daughter-in-law the hell you endured. If your mother-in-law was wise and under-standing, you know how fortunate you were. Give your daughter-in-law the same break. Since it is the wife who most often complains to me about her husband's mother, I would like to direct my clos-ing lines to her. Think ahead. One day you will probably be a mother-in-law. You will wish to be treated with kindness and understanding. You won't want to be shut out of the lives of your children. Remember that every mother has an emotional investment in her children. In the evening of her life, her greatest joys and satisfactions come from the knowl-edge that her children are content and that she is loved by them. When your mother-in-law gets you down and granted, she may be off base a country mile, remember that no one is without some fault. Be tolerant. Be forgiving. Re-member, she raised the boy you selected for a husband. Â� SEVEN Marriage is not for everyone he divorce rate in America is at an all-time high and Â� it is going up. The bars and taverns are crowded with married men who would rather sit around and get stoned than go home. They spend hours seeing double and acting single. Magazines continue to print helpful articles on "How to Hang on to Your Husband" while the wives write to me and complain that hanging is too good for 'em. And still the cry is heard throughout the land. "You oughta get married." Our society exerts enormous pressure on both men and women to "get married and live happily ever after." Some employers insist on it; they run advertisements which specifically state "Only married men need apply." The implication is that married men are more reliable than single men. But are they? Well, some are and some aren't. Relatives often view tie unmarried member of the family as the odd one. Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and 80 MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE 8l cousins by the dozen, are forever looking for "a nice girl for Irving." Well-meaning friends never give up trying to put the singleton in double harness. Some singletons need and appreciate a friendly assist but it's a safe bet that when a man or a woman reaches the middle thirties without a trace of rice in his hair, he's better off single. I don't believe that marriage is good for everyone. Some people should go it alone. I call them non-marriageables and they arrange themselves into distinct categories. The most obvious non-marriageable personality is the adult who can't cut loose from his family. This apron-string type is most frequently a male. Every community, no mat-ter how small, has at least one. He is attractive, intelligent, successful and considered "very eligible." He often dates a lovely woman for several years and tells all within hearing distance that he'd like to marry her some day, but for all kinds of complicated reasons he must wait Put all his rea-sons together and they spell M-O-T-H-E-R. Pity the woman who falls for him. She finds herself with a pleasant escort, good company, and out of circulation. No other man would ask her for a date because she's spoken for. She is reluctant to break off with him be-cause she's "grown accustomed to his face"-and she keeps telling herself that eventually, when all his problems are solved, they'll be married. The following letter from Cincinnati illustrates such a situation: "I've been going with a man for 12 years. Ill call him Ron. He is thirty-eight yeais old. I am thirty-five. We be-long to the same church, we're college graduates and we share common interests. The wedding date has been set five times in the past ten years. Each time he has postponed it. The last three postponements were because of his 82 MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE mother. Ron claims ha health is poor and she couldn't stand the excitement. "I offered to be married in ha living room with just the family present He said no-even that would be too much. Ron lives at home and he's made it clear that when we marry I must move into his motha's house because she could not be left alone. I agreed. In fact I have agreed to everything he has asked for, but still no results. I love Ron and I know he loves me. The years aren't doing me any good. I'm afraid I'll be too old to have a family if we don't get married soon. What can I do? Not Getting Any Younger" I told ha that 12 years is much too long just to "go with" a fellow and that she should tell him promptly either to fish or cut bait. The man who gets such an ulti-matum usually cuts bait, and it's just as well. He doesn't really want to get married. He enjoys the company of women (particularly sex privileges) and to the casual ob-server he appears to possess all the qualities that make for a fine husband. But he's unwilling to take on the respon-sibilities of a husband. Marriage frightens him. The next letter deals with a woman who has the same problem. She is outnumbered by her male counterpart about 100 to 1, judging from the letters I receive, but she does exist. It is her steady boy friend who writes: "Before I drop this sweetheart of mine right on ha smart head I would like a word from you. Frankly, I've just about had it, but if you say to give her a little more time, I will consida it. We've been going together seven years. Kate is thirty-four years old and has never married. I am forty-four and have been divorced ten years. When we first met, I couldn't figure out how a girl with her looks, charm and brains escaped marriage, but I'm beginning to understand. marriage is not for everyone 83 "She's a newspaper woman, witty, full of pep and stimulating company. She lives with her father who is a doctor. Her mother died when she was a teen-ager. Kate is often expected to attend social functions in connection with her job-cocktail parties honoring celebrities, pre-views, receptions and so on. She frequently brings her father instead of asking me to accompany her. Then too, she goes to the annual medical convention with her father, which means part of her vacation time is spent with him. I asked her to marry me in the spring and she said her Dad had invited her on a two-month trip to the Far East and she was arranging for a leave of absence. When I told her it was marriage or the trip and she could take her choice, she accused me of pressuring her and asked for more time. What should I do? Tired of Waiting" I told 'Tired" to give her as much time as she wanted, the rest of her life in fact, but that he ought to quit wasting his time and find a woman who was grown up enough to get off her Daddy's lap. Another non-marriageable type is the one whose wife writes to me, unfortunately, following the marriage. He is the incurable skirt-chaser. This letter from Santa Barbara, California, tells the story: "I've been married for 16 years. We have a lovely family and a beautiful home. If you met us socially you'd think we were a very happy couple. No one knows how much swallowing of pride I've done to keep our home together. We were married less than three months when he began to chase around. First it was a woman in his office. He'd been seeing her during courtship and couldn't get out of the habit. Then it was the nurse who worked the night shift when he had minor surgery. Next, the wife of a young man who worked for him, then a divorcée in our 84 MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE crowd (a good friend of mine). He would admit to each affair when it was over and beg me to forgive him. His latest fling was with a college girl. She is only four years older than our own daughter. This was the most crushing blow of all. I'm at the end of my rope. I find lipstick on his handkerchiefs and telephone numbers in his pockets. Women phone him at home and he says, 'I can't talk now.' I'm not a cold person, Ann, if that's what you're thinking. In fact I never refuse him. He doesn't need to go looking for love. Divorce is out; it's prohibited by our religion. Tell me, please, what can I do? Don Juan's Wife" Although it is Mrs. Juan who asks for help, it's her hus-band who needs it. I explained that she had married a man who should have remained single. He is insecure, doubts his virility, and needs perpetual reassurance. A new con-quest is the best prop for his sagging self-esteem. Therapy is sometimes successful, but few men will go to a psychia-trist with the problem because they fail to equate sexual promiscuity with emotional illness. They envision them-selves as irresistible lady killers. Some wives tolerate such shenanigans better than others. If there are children I advise the wife to try to keep the home together. But if a husband's chasing is so flagrant that it brings humiliation and distress to his family, I sug-gest that the wife invite him to move out of the house. Un-fortunately, the chronic rover boys seldom straighten up and fly right. They usually give up the chase only when they wear out. Now and then a letter will come to me describing the plight of a husband whose wife needs constant attention from a variety of lovers. A man from Harrisburg, Pennsyl-vania, wrote: MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE 85 "I worked the night shift and would get home about three in the morning. Whenever I opened the front door I thought I heard the back door slam. For a long time I was sure I was imagining things. Finally I began to hear rumors, so I hired a private detective. In the course of 21 days, my wife entertained eight different men, including the butcher, the real estate agent who sold us our home, an insurance salesman and a couple of close friends of mine." Obviously, this woman is too sick for marriage. If she hadn't married, she would have spared her husband untold agony. Then there are those who don't want to marry but don't know it Their fears are below the conscious level, and they keep the truth well hidden, even from themselves. Men and women populate this category equally. If you suggest that they have no genuine desire to marry, they enter devout and loud denials. But don't believe them. Here's one from Syracuse, New York: "I'm thirty-three and I've been going with a bachelor for five years. Just when I think everything is set and start to make plans for our wedding, something happens. Harry has a genius for getting himself involved in business deals that keep him broke. The guy is forty-four, handsome, fas-cinating, nobody's fool, and we like the same things. "He is also a target for every phony who passes through town. Two years ago, when we had our wedding date set, he got into a deal with some fast operators who imported semi-precious stones. They were guaranteed to look like diamonds only you had to heat them up every six months or they'd get cloudy. He went for his total savings on that one so we had to postpone the wedding plans. Last April I was all set to be a June bride. In May somebody sold Harry a salt mine which belonged to the state of Utah. 86 MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE He was so broke after that deal that I had to lend him money to live on. "He says he loves me but he refuses to get married until he can assume the financial responsibilities of a hus-band. The way things have been going, I'm beginning to think that day will never come. How much longer do you think I will have to wait?" The answer is obvious: "Probably forever." Women who drag their feet on the way to the altar em-ploy a variety of devices. The most tired excuse is "I have to take care of 'mama' or 'papa.' " They always seem will-ing and able to take care of everyone but themselves. A man from Grand Rapids wrote about his woman friend, with whom he'd been going for 11 years. Her device was interesting. He said: "I can never get her alone. She has three nieces and two nephews and whenever I go to her place, she has one of them there. She takes them along on dates, asks if I mind, and of course I say no." I told "Grand Rapids" there must be something wrong with him as well as the woman if he has stood still for this dodge for 11 years. She has been protecting herself against serious involvement by using her nieces and nephews as bodyguards. Another non-marriageable type is the undeveloped juve-nile. The male predominates. Such men were spoiled as children, usually by mama, an auntie or their sisters. They are incapable of loving because loving means giving and they don't know how to give. They need continual flattery, must be catered to, amused and pampered. When they don't get their way they are ill-tempered and sometimes abusive. Women who marry these selfish little boys bargain for a MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE 87 lifetime of misery. From Rochester, Minnesota, comes a typical bill of particulars: "My purse is so empty I have to stuff tissue paper in it so it won't look flat. When I say my husband doesn't give me a dime, I'm not exaggerating. He pays all the bills and says there is nothing left over. Yet he has one of the best gun collections in the state. Last month he traded his motorcycle for a new one. He has two cycling outfits that cost over $100 apiece. I haven't had a new winter coat in six years. He leaves the children and me five evenings a week to go cycling with his friends. Most of them are teen-agers." Another example, from Butte, Montana: "My husband has left me every weekend in the past three years. He takes off on Friday and doesn't come home until late Sunday night. It's bowling trips, hunting, fish-ing, skiing, football games, anything that happens to be going on out of town. When I told him I was sick and tired of staying home and that we ought to go out to-gether once in a while, he said, Didn't I take you to the hospital in April to have the baby?' " The most easily recognized non-marriageable female is the wildly competitive type. The poor boob who marries her deserves sympathy instead of congratulations. Every-one (but the victim) seems to know what he's in for. The competitive woman is usually successful in business or a profession. She is competent, aggressive, driven and domi-neering. Her theme song is "anything you can do, I can do better." She hails the taxi, orders the dinner, finishes his sentences and wants to lead on the dance floor. She is a better man than he is and she lets him know it. She pours a great deal of her energy into her work and finds her major satisfaction in the feeling of importance that it gives her. 88 MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE She makes a lively dinner companion but a horrible wife. To her a man is an audience, a whipping boy, an ob-ject of her hostility and sometimes a willing slave. If she marries, she usually selects a Milquetoast character who is searching for a reincarnation of his bossy and punishing mother. The non-marriageable men who possess excessively ag-gressive characteristics are the compulsive workers or the money grabbers. The compulsive worker can be a scientist, a newspaper editor, a politician, or an artist, but usually he's a businessman. He eats, sleeps and dreams his career. It is not money that motivates him; in fact he frequently passes up more lucrative opportunities to stay with the work he loves. He would rather work than eat or sleep and often this is precisely what he does. Such a man is better off single. He contributes little to marriage and it is difficult for any wife to settle for the crumbs. The money grabber can often fool a woman. She is de-luded into thinking he'll make a good husband because he is obviously headed for financial success. He is dynamic, aggressive, indefatigable and imaginative, all fine qualities. But they can be destructive qualities when they're not bal-anced by a decent set of values. This letter from Washing-ton, D.C., underlines the dangers: "My husband and I have been married 12 years. I can count on one hand the number of times in the past two years that he has sat down at the dinner table with the children and me. He is either out of town on a big deal or having his dinner with business associates. Oh, he's successful all right-if you measure success by a beautiful home, two cars, a cook, a maid and charge accounts. The best part of my marriage is our three children, and I had to travel with my husband on business trips to get preg-nant MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE 89 "My friends envy me because we have had fabulous 'vacations' all over the world. Little do they know. My husband never takes a vacation. Every vacation turns out to be a business trip. The only time I see him is on the plane or ship. The minute we land some place, he gets in touch with some financial people and opens up a new branch. I am always alone. "He is really in love with his business and not with me. I've known it for a long time. Once I told him how I felt and he replied, 'Would you be happier if I was a slob who didn't amount to anything?' Well, Ann, maybe I would. I'm miserable this way. No name, of course. Just sign this letter 'Money Isn't Everything.' " Alcoholics, both men and women, are risky marriage gambles (in my book they are non-marriageables). When I receive a letter from a reader who is considering mar-riage to a heavy drinker, I do my best to knock it in the head. If the drinker will prove his willingness to sub-mit to treatment, there may be a chance that the marriage will succeed. A young woman from Logansport, Indiana, wrote: "He's a wonderful guy but liquor is his weakness. He tells me he drinks because he needs me so desperately. He promised to cut down as soon as we are married. What do you think, Ann?" I told her (and all the others who have posed the ques-tion) that marriage has never been known to cure alcohol-ism. If the guy is serious about his desire to dry out, let him prove it before marriage by joining Alcoholics Anonymous or by availing himself of therapy. If he can stay out of the sauce for six months (and this means not a drop) then perhaps this marriage will succeed, but even then she should be aware of the risk involved. Alcoholism is, of course, a symptom of other problems. 90 MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE The man or woman who cannot handle his troubles and must seek solutions at the bottom of the bottle is better off unmarried. The grief alcoholics bring to their families is indescribable. In my view it is an act of charity for an alco-holic to stay single and not inflict himself on others. Letters from homosexuals who despise the life they lead and yearn to be 'like other people" give me a sense of helplessness because a cure for those who have reached the mid-twenties is extremely unlikely. Marriage does not qualify as therapy. I recommend psychiatric treatment because au-thorities agree that it can contribute to understanding and help them gain insight into their problem. The homo-sexual who believes he was "bom wrong" (a theory which is generally unacceptable to psychiatrists) has a defeatist attitude and finds it difficult or impossible to adjust to conventional living. In Dr. Albert Ellis' book, Sex Without Guilt, he says there is not an iota of clinical evidence that fixed homo-sexuality is inborn. He believes, rather, that it results from severe emotional damage in childhood. The homosexual who understands that his problem is an emotional one and not a physical defect and seeks therapy can sometimes make a good adjustment to single life. Every non-marriageable type mentioned so far is an ex-treme neurotic. We have discussed the apron-string child who can't break away from mama or papa; the chronic chaser, both male and female; the unconscious coward who is afraid of marriage and doesn't know it (but manages to fall in a manhole just three steps shy of the altar); the unde-veloped juvenile who is so in love with himself that he wants no part of sharing; the highly competitive woman who may need a bed partner but not a husband; the com-pulsive worker and the money grabber; the alcoholic and the homosexual. MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE 91 Another non-marriageable type should be added to the list but it's difficult to label her because she doesn't fit into any of the categories mentioned so far. She appears to be perfectly normal. I use "she" because women dominate this group. She is abnormal only in that she lacks the instinctive drive to marry or her drive is of such low voltage that she isn't even aware of it. I rarely receive letters from these women because they don't feel the need for advice. They are contented with their lot. For the most part they are school teachers, librarians, or secretaries-personable, well dressed, and well paid. They lead orderly lives and enjoy their work. They save money for that one big annual trip and then splurge. They enjoy their independence and wouldn't give it up unless someone "really wonderful" came along. The sad truth is that their standards are unrealistically high. So they drift along, not unhappy, not depressed, not miserable, not filled with self-pity-a little lonely at times, but they have an orderly, uncomplicated life and this is what they really want. Some non-marriageables are smart enough to know that marriage is not for them. Others leam too late. This letter is from a woman in Green Bay, Wisconsin: "I can't understand why the career girls who write to you feel they are missing so much in life by not being married. Where do they get the idea that a husband is the answer to everything? I wish one of those gals would take mine. I'm not bitter-just experienced. "Marriage is not the dream it's cracked up to be. I had a wonderful job when I married and gave it up to be a household drudge. I used to be a smart dresser but now I don't have the money to spend on clothes. When I was a career girl, my life was interesting. I met bright people, 92 MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE I traveled, I spent my money as I pleased and didn't have to answer to anyone. "My husband is a nice guy, but he's dull. His idea of a big evening is playing poker with the boys or falling asleep in front of the TV set. I've had it both ways and let me tell you that marriage is plenty over-rated. Many single girls who write to you say they are lonesome. Well, I'm married and I'm lonesome, too. To be perfectly honest, I wish I were single again. Ruth" The next letter is from a career girl who echoes Ruth's views. This woman, however, is unmarried and likes it She writes: "When single girls write and ask you for advice on how to snag a man, instead of outlining better trapping and baiting methods why don't you tell them that for every miserable old maid there are at least three unhappily mar-ried wives who wish they'd never seen the guy? Sure, some of the girls who go through life unattached miss a few of the grand privileges like squalling brats, interfering in-laws, stingy husbands and the loss of freedom, but there are many compensating rewards. The single woman who sup-ports herself can travel, spend her money as she wishes, have a date, a romance or a full-blown affair when she feels like it. She can turn love off and on like an electric bulb. So why don't you level with the girls, Ann? Little Rock" I agreed with Little Rock that marriage is not for every-one and that she is living proof. I explained that it takes a special brand of tolerance to put up with squalling brats, interfering in-laws and all the rest of her litany of grief. Not everyone has it. I also told her that a woman who can turn love off and on like an electric light bulb must have MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE 93 a 25-watt heating system and that marriage demands more than that I expressed the hope that she would not change her mind and marry some poor misguided man. A life unmarried needn't mean a life wasted or a life of loneliness. Many unmarrieds enjoy full and purposeful years. They have time, energy and money to spend on community affairs and they are often valued and respected citizens. Unmarrieds have their moments of self-pity, but then so do married people. For the singletons I leave this thought: Marriage is not for everyone. Your decision to go it alone may well have been best, considering your personality, in-stinctive drives and the goals you have set 4 EIGHT ~T~ A life in your hands P arentage," wrote George Bernard Shaw, "is a very important profession, but no test of fitness is ever im- posed in the interests of the children." And maybe it's a good thing. If the test of fitness were a written examination based on the theories advanced by many of our "experts," millions of successful parents would flunk. What we know about raising children is far less im-portant than how we feel about children. Nature demands only that the biological requirements for parenthood be met. But parents have a moral obligation to provide their children with the emotional equipment to face life and measure up to its challenges. Every parent wants to "do right" by his children. But what is "right"? Once upon a time (and not too long ago) mothers were told that a baby should be fed according to schedule. If he's asleep when it's time to eat, wake him up. If he gets up at dawn and howls for nourishment, let 94 A LIFE IN YOUK HANDS 95 him cry until feeding time. Don't pick him up when he fusses or you'll spoil him. Teach him to walk as soon as he is able to stand. Start toilet training at six months. Parental instincts and baby's natural rhythm must be ignored. The clock was king. Then along came new experts who decided the rigid ap-proach was all wrong. The pendulum swung to the other extreme and the permissive school took over. Parents were instructed to throw away the clock. Feed the baby when he's hungry. Let him sleep when he feels like it. If he prefers to live it up at night and sleep during the day-get used to it. Never mind toilet training. Don't make an issue of it. He'll let you know when he's ready. The permissive enthusiasts also set forth new rules for developing the "integrated personality." The central theme: permit the child to express himself. Don't inhibit him or you may damage his personality. If he wants to tear Aunt Ethel's feathered hat to pieces, let him. He may be acting out an urge to kill the canary. When the products of permissive upbringing got into trouble in the school, the method began to be questioned. The young incorrigibles were labeled "anti-social" by their teachers. They "expressed themselves" by grabbing objects from other children and kicking the teachers. Since this was acceptable behavior at home, the child reasoned, it must be acceptable at school. The teachers wouldn't put up with it and the child had to learn new ground rules. The result, conflict and bewilderment. Dr. Lee Kanner, a psychiatrist specializing in troubled children, wrote a book for laymen entitled In Defense of Mothers. In one passage Dr. Kanner said: "There is no air-raid shelter from verbal bombs that rain down on con-temporary parents. At every turn they run up against weird words and phrases which are apt to confuse and scare 96 A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS them-words such as oedipus complex, maternal rejection, sibling rivalry, conditioned reflex, schizoid personality, re-gression, aggression, blah blah and more blah blah." Dr. Kanner pleaded: "Mothers, let us together, regain the common sense which is yours." The Menninger Foundation in Topeka, Kansas, con-ducted a revealing five-year study of infant development under the direction of Dr. Sibylle Escalona, a psychologist, and Dr. Mary Leitch, a psychiatrist. The project studied 128 infants from families of differing economic, social, edu-cational and religious backgrounds. At home and at the hospital the babies were observed carefully day and night. A record was kept of each baby's reactions to sounds, ob-jects, and people around him. Observations were made while the infants were feeding, playing and sleeping, when they were bathed and diapered. The researchers were astonished at the wide range of be-havior patterns among infants who were not yet one year old. Some babies were aggressive and daring, others were shy and withdrawn. Some were easily excited by outside stim-uli, others were slow to respond to voices and the sight of food or toys. Some babies lost interest in a toy placed slightly beyond their reach while others howled and wrig-gled until the object was won. Some babies got their best sleep during the day, others slept better at night. Some were sensitive to the faintest noises and awakened at the gentle sound of a flapping win-dow shade; others slept blissfully while carpenters ham-mered new shingles on the roof of the nursery. To the surprise of no intelligent mother the Topeka re-searchers concluded that hard and fast rules cannot be applied to all infants. Each baby has his own pattern of behavior. The wise mother tries to adapt to the needs of her own child. The method of child raising, it was established, is far A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS 97 less important than the attitude of the mother. The most valuable contribution a mother can make to the emotional development of her child is to love him. The well-informed woman who has read all the books (she may even be a specialist in child psychology) can fail as a mother if she lacks a genuine feeling of warmth for her child. Loved people are loving people. The woman who was denied love and affection as a child is fortunate if she mar-ries a man who can give her the assurance she lacked in childhood. The way a mother treats her child often re-flects the love, or the lack of it, between husband and wife. Chances are a happily married wife will not resent the loss of sleep, the feeding demands or the interference with her freedom. And the husband who loves his wife takes pleasure in holding the child, feeding him and playing with him. Warmth is caught, not taught. It is acquired through the heart, not the head. The sexually maladjusted, the im-potent and the frigid who crowd our mental hospitals and divorce courts often trace their troubles to a deep-freeze early environment One reader who complained about his wife's disdain for sex referred to her as "a chip off the old glacier." Mother love is supposed to be instinctive. Our folklore tells us it is guaranteed to come packaged with every fe-male, but not every woman has it. Few women are willing to admit even to themselves, that they're incapable of mother love. But the tiniest infant can sense hostility and anxiety. Often a mother's milk does not "agree" with her baby because the mother is in a disturbed state. The mother who resents breast feeding her child may be able to fool her friends or herself but she can't fool the baby. The infant who has a serious feeding problem, skin rashes or other signs of disturbance should be under the super- 98 A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS vision of a pediatrician, and the mother would be wise to seek professional help. The healthiest, happiest babies are those who feel wanted and loved. The child bom into a family of modest means, whose parents shower him with love and affection, has a better chance for sound emotional development than the child of wealthy parents whose major contribution is a sterile nursery and a high-priced governess. One of the saddest letters I've ever received came from a father who wrote: "I am heartsick about our six-year-old son. For the third time he has been caught stealing at school. Twice he has taken small change out of the teacher's desk and yester-day he brought home a boy's ring which he said he found on the street. The teacher phoned to say she saw him take the ring off the wash basin. "I am at a loss to understand why Donnie does these things. We are able to buy the boy anything he wants. Why should he steal anything? "The moment the child was bom he had every advan-tage. Although my wife and I travel a great deal, he is not neglected. We have an excellent staff of servants and he is never lonesome. This stealing has me worried sick. He won't talk about it; he just sits there looking sad. He treats me as if I were a stranger instead of his father who has given him everything. Please tell me what to do." It is difficult to tell a father that he is making an emo-tional cripple of his son, but the evidence in this instance was irrefutable. Children who steal feel unloved. The child is saying "I can't have love so I'll take something else." Toys and gifts do not take the place of parents who give time and attention to their children. I tell parents who write about similar situations to stop giving their children toys and money and start giving themselves! A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS 99 A price tag on love The child who misbehaves is frequently scolded and told that he is naughty or bad. This idea seems to be peculiar to our culture. When a French child misbehaves, his mother does not say "Be good!" She says "Sois sage!" which means "Be wise." The French child who behaves improperly is not "bad"; he is foolish. The Swedish mother admonishes her child with "van snail" which means "be friendly." The Scandinavian culture views the undisci-plined child as unfriendly or uncooperative. The German mother says "sei artig" which means "get in line." The German concept of good behavior is to conform. Children should be taught that consideration for others is an essential part of good living. The child who satisfies his own comforts and desires at the expense of others should be told that he is unfair, not that he is bad. If a child breaks the rules he must suffer the conse-quences but he should not be made to feel that he is un-worthy of love. If it is meaningful, love is offered with no strings attached; it is unrelated to the behavior of the child. All children disappoint us and fail us at times. This is an inevitable part of growing and learning. But children should not feel that they must earn love by being "good." Love is their natural inheritance. Children need uncondi-tional love every day, regardless of what happened yester-day. To love a child when he is least lovable is the gran-ite test of parenthood. Favoritism and hostility It is impossible for parents to have exactly the same feel-ings about all their children. It is natural to beam when a child wins honors. A youngster who is cooperative and lOO A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS lovable is bound to produce a warmer response than one who is sullen and troublesome. Perhaps the hardest test of parenthood is the capacity to pour out an extra measure of love and affection on the "difficult" child. And he is the one who most needs it If you were to ask parents which child in the family is the pet most parents would deny there is a pet but if you were to ask the children, you'd probably get a specific an-swer. Often the pet wins his position by virtue of his sex. In a family of boys, a little girl is likely to be treated like a princess. Frequently, the first bom is the favorite child be-cause he gave his parents the first thrill of parenthood. Sometimes it's the baby of the family who gurgles his way into the special spot, because he's so tiny and cuddly- and perhaps unexpected. The child in the middle is rarely favored. He's edged out both ways and he can't win. The crudest tactic is to make a family pet of the child who happens to be the best looking. The son who is the image of his handsome dad is often favored over his brother who happens to look like a nondescript uncle from Keokuk. The girl who is a smaller version of her beautiful mother often moves in ahead of her plain sisters. And the extra attention the favorite gets from his parents is gener-ously matched by the resentment of his brothers and sisters. Dr. Edward F. Litin, a psychiatrist at the Mayo Clinic, says it's no coincidence that the least attractive child in the family is so often the sickly one. When he finds he can't attract attention he develops asthma, headaches or he over-eats. One of the angriest attacks from displeased readers was the consequence of this statement in my column: "It is not possible for a parent to love all his children 'the same.' No two children are 'the same.' A parent may love each of his children a great deal, but he loves them A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS IOI in different ways and for different reasons. It is not in-frequent for a parent to have a favorite." This touched a raw nerve in hundreds of mothers. (Not a single father wrote!) The letters were both vitriolic and defensive. The guilt came through-loud and clear. I had the feeling that every mother who had a favorite child wrote to deny it. I explained in a subsequent column (and hundreds of personal letters) that feelings cannot be weighed, meas-ured, or put under a microscope. Furthermore, feelings change from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour. To say parents love all their children "the same" is an absurdity. There is daily evidence in my mail to support my posi-tion. The problem, strangely, is often inverted. It is not about the favored child that many parents write but about the unfavored. This is logical since he is the problem. These lines from a Martin's Ferry, Ohio, mother describe the dilemma of the unfavored child: "I don't know what's wrong with Frank (not his real name, of course). He never seemed to fit into the family, even when he was a baby. My other children were all blonde and blue eyed. Frank was dark and puny and didn't even look like he belonged to us. He was in trouble from the minute he could walk. Now he's in jail for burglary and we aren't surprised. I always knew he'd end up bad." It was an Eau Claire, Wisconsin, mother, however, who provided me with the classic example of the unfavored child who never had a chance. Although it's an extreme case, there is a lesson here for all parents. Many parents reject their children in subtle ways because of disappoint-ment in the child's sex, looks, size, ability to leam, physi- 102 A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS cal prowess, and on and on. The child senses this disap-pointment, quits trying to achieve anything and may even turn to being "bad" as an attention-getting device. The Eau Claire mother wrote: "Our daughter Margaret is fourteen. This may be ter-rible for a mother to say but I wish that girl would walk out of the house and not come back. Margaret was a colicky, mean baby from the day we brought her home from the hospital. When she was three months old, she began to look just like my husband's sister Cora who was the town tramp. We noticed it when we had pictures taken. "Whenever I looked at Margaret I was reminded of Cora. By the time Margaret was three I was sure she had a bad strain in her. She broke every nice thing I had in the house and she kept running away. The more I spanked her the worse she got. Now she drinks and smokes and runs with a gang of hoodlums. We lie to protect her, but we know she's mixed up in something bad. Please tell me what to do before she gets her picture in the news-papers and disgraces us." I advised the woman to contact the Family Service Asso-ciation and request an appointment with a case-worker who could guide the disturbed girl. There was little value in pointing out that mother was 15 years late in seeking help for her daughter, and even later than that for herself. Margaret Mead, the noted anthropologist, has pointed out that if we treat our children as we wish them to be, rather than as they are, they will try to live up to that lofty image. The Eau Claire mother wrote off her small daugh-ter as a duplicate of Aunt Cora, the town tramp, and the girl proved that Margaret Mead's formula also works in reverse. All parents (even "cold" ones) can give their children A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS 103 some measure of strength and security by following a few basic rules. These rules can be applied in the rearing of all children from the day they are bom. Before formulating these guideposts for raising children I read stacks of books by acknowledged authorities in the field of child training. I also consulted experts who deal with problem children. And perhaps most important of all, I've had the benefit of a steady feed-back from thousands of letters written by parents who are living with these problems. The books and authorities made one point abundantly clear. They said in effect "Everything we say may be wrong." I would like to say "amen" to that and re-empha- size that the instinct of a mother who loves her children is better than any authority. So-if none of these rules work for you, Mother, you can always take this book and whomp the kids with it Remember that a child is a gift from God, the richest of all blessings. Do not attempt to mold him in the image of yourself, your father, your brother, or your neighbor. Each child is an individual and should be permitted to be himself. Don't crush a child's spirit when he fails. Never com-pare him with others who have done better. Dwell on what's right with him rather than what's wrong with him. Remember that anger and hostility are natural emo-tions. Help your child find socially acceptable outlets for these normal feelings or they may be turned inward and erupt in the form of physical or mental illnesses. Discipline your child with firmness and reason. Don't let your anger throw you off balance. If he knows you are fair you will not lose either his respect or his love. And make sure the punishment fits the crime because even the 104 A LIFE IN YOUR hands youngest child has a keen sense of justice where he is di-rectly concerned. Parents should present a united front. Never join with your child against your mate. This can create emotional conflict within your child as well as in yourselves. It gives rise to destructive feelings of guilt, confusion, and in-security. Do not hand your child everything his heart desires. Permit him to know the thrill of earning and the joy of deserving. Grant him the satisfaction that comes with per-sonal achievement Do not set yourself up as an example of perfection or of infallibility. This is a difficult role to play 24 hours a day, for years on end. You will find it easier to communi-cate with your child if you let him know that Mom and Dad can make mistakes, too. Don't make threats when you are angry or wild prom-ises when you are in an expansive mood. Threaten or promise only what you can live up to. To a child, a par-ent's word means everything. The child who has lost faith in his parent has difficulty believing in anyone or anything. Do not smother your child with superficial manifesta-tions of "love." The purest and healthiest love expresses itself in day-in-day-out upbringing which develops self-con-fidence and independence. Teach your child that there is dignity in hard work, whether it is performed with calloused hands that shovel coal or skilled fingers that manipulate surgical instruments. Let him know that a useful life is a blessed one and a life of ease and pleasure-seeking is empty and meaningless. Teach your child moral values. Personal integrity, truthfulness and the desire to treat others fairly are learned fi ..m your example. A child imitates the behavior of those A LIFE IN YOUR HANDS 10Ç close to him. Parents whose daily lives reflect sound ethical standards provide their children with the basic tools for be-coming decent human beings. Do not try to protect your child against every small blow and disappointment Adversity strengthens character and develops self-reliance. He can (and usually will) leam more from his failures than from his successes. Don't always put your children first. Remember that parents are people, too. If you rush to satisfy his every whim, you wfll produce a self-centered juvenile, ill-equipped to fit into society. Parents who always place the wishes and comforts of their children first earn little gratitude-and no respect Remember the goal for all children should be inde-pendence. Don't cling to them or allow them to cling to you beyond the time when they should be on their own. The person who is always carried will never walk. Teach your child to love God and to love his fellow man. Don't send your child to a place of worship-take him there. Children leam best from example. Telling him something is not teaching him. If you give your child a deep and abiding faith in God it can be his strength and his hope as well as his light when all else fails. i NINE ~Y~ Father-or cash register? A not-so-funny description of the American male goes like this: "A poor boob who is bossed by his mother, dominated by his wife, and homswoggled by his daughter." Historically, the role of the male has been that of pro-vider, protector and undisputed head of the family. This picture of Family Life, U.S.A. has gone out of style. In by-gone days this phrase supported the old tintype, "I'll have to talk it over with my husband." Today, more fre-quently one hears, "I'll have to talk it over with my wife." It has all happened in the past fifty years. And, curi-ously, the decline in status of the American male is not a result of anything he has done-or failed to do. The social evolution of the American female created "the great change." Women now have the vote. They hold public office, smoke on the street, drink in bars, wear slacks, and drive motorcycles. Women not only stand in buses, they drive them. Women practice law, medicine, dentistry. 106 FATHER -OR CASH REGISTER? 107 They join the Army, Navy, Coast Guard, Marines and Air Force. Today, one out of three employed persons in the United States is a woman. World War II gave the American woman her big boost in the man's world. When Rosie the Riveter donned over-alls and pulled down $144 a week in take-home pay, it may not have dethroned dear old Dad but it surely made him move over. It was a financial advantage for the family but the cost was frequently expressed in the loss of domestic tranquility. The price in many families was dissension, de-linquent children, and divorce. Modem woman can do almost everything man can, ex-cept be a father. The rearing of emotionally healthy chil-dren requires the combined efforts of a Mom and a Dad. The divorcée or widow who carries the double load has a difficult time. Too many fathers are floating unanchored-unsure of where they fit into the family picture. I concede that some dads don't want to fit into the family picture because it would interfere with their own selfish design for living. They don't want to be bothered. But other well-intentioned males have been shoved aside by domineering wives who would like to usurp the role of father as well as mother. Despite the widely accepted assumption that the Ameri-can male has been supplanted as head of the family, my readers tell me that a great many women not only want a husband to assume an active role, but that they need his help. The following letter from Minneapolis expresses a familiar complaint: "