Dear Ann Landers, I just read a terrific booklet entitled "Stepping Back From Anger." The booklet was printed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers to help parents protect their children from some of the harmful effects of divorce. Here is an excerpt:
Every year, more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most emotionally exhausting and expensive experience they will ever have. For their children, it can be even worse.
Imagine you are 6 years old, and suddenly, the two people you have always relied on most are at each other's throats. You believe you are the cause of their anger. To make matters worse, you find yourself alone and bewildered because the two people you usually go to for comfort are too wrapped up in their own anger and grief to be of much help.
Divorce makes its mark on children both in the short term and the long term. Young children whose parents are divorcing often suffer from depression, sleep disorders, loss of self-esteem, poor academic performance, behavioral regression and a host of other physical and emotional disorders.
Long after the divorce is final, children of divorce often have trouble entering into committed relationships of their own, fearing their relationships will end as their parents' did. In addition, a Princeton University study showed that children who live apart from one of their parents are more likely to drop out of school, become unmotivated and have a child before reaching the age of 20.
Here are 10 tips for divorcing parents:
1. Never disparage your former spouse in front of your children. Because children know they are "part Mom" and "part Dad," the criticism can batter the child's self-esteem.
2. Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former spouse. The less the children feel a part of the battle between their parents, the better.
3. Reassure your children that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault.
4. Unless your former spouse was a molester, encourage your children to spend time with him or her. Do everything you can to accommodate the visitation.
5. At every step during your divorce, remind yourself that your children's interests, not yours, are paramount, and act accordingly.
6. Resist the temptation to let your children act as your caretakers. Let your peers, adult family members and mental health professionals be your counselors and sounding boards.
7. If you have a drinking or drug problem, get counseling right away. An impairment inhibits your ability to reassure your children and give them the attention they need at this difficult time.
8. If you are the non-custodial parent, pay your child support. The loss of income facing many children after divorce puts them at a disadvantage that has a pervasive effect on the rest of their lives.
9. If you are the custodial parent and are not receiving child support, do not complain to your children. It feeds into their sense of abandonment and further erodes their stability.
10. If at all possible, do not uproot your children. Stability in their residence and school life helps buffer children from the trauma of their parents' divorce.
For a free copy of this booklet, write to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 150 N. Michigan Ave., Suite 1420, Chicago, Ill. 60601, or visit www.aaml.org.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a 28-year-old mother of one lovely child. After a long and costly divorce, now broke but happy, I find myself in love with a wonderful man -- my Prince Charming. We both fantasize about getting married in a beautiful church wedding with ushers, bridesmaids, organ music, etc., but as a divorced Catholic, can this be a reality? If so, what are the steps we must take to make it happen? If not, what are my options? Please help my dream come true. -- Cinderella Hopeful
Dear Cinderella, Yes, it's possible for your dream to become a reality. Contact your local pastor, and he or she will instruct you about the steps needed to get an annulment. Happy wedding bells.
Dear Ann Landers, I commend you for printing the letter from "Sick of It in South Dakota," whose children lived with their father after her divorce. She said it's time to accept the idea that sometimes the kids are better off with Dad.
I am a divorced father with two boys, ages 7 and 9. They live with their mother. I pay out a lot of money for child support, but I doubt that the money is being spent on the children. If it were, I wouldn't have to take them for haircuts and buy them sneakers and winter jackets. I've asked my lawyer whether there is any recourse, but was told I could not dictate where the child support money goes.
I have recently remarried. My new wife is very supportive and has a great relationship with my sons. She is more of a mother to them than my ex-wife. I see my children every Wednesday and on alternate weekends. When it is time for them to go home, they cry and tell me they don't want to go. They have asked to live with me. I know they would be happier if that were possible, and they would have a more stable and secure environment, but unfortunately, the courts do not see it that way.
I have attempted to get custody of my sons, but the courts seem interested only in how much money I can pay. And have you noticed that when a couple gets divorced, the kids almost always end up with the mother, leaving the father with a painful court battle and an expensive legal bill? In spite of the aggravation, I refuse to give up. I'm still fighting for my boys. Ann, please tell all the divorced dads who love their children that they must stay in their children's lives, no matter what. Their children need them. -- Been There and Done That in New York
Dear New York, Your letter speaks more eloquently than anything I might say. Every divorced dad who has walked in your shoes is grateful to you for writing.
Dear Ann Landers, My husband and I retired to Florida a few years ago, leaving our three grown children back in our hometown up north. We are having a wonderful life, and my husband is as happy as a lark. I also should be happy. Everything here is great. The weather is beautiful. We are enjoying good health and have met some lovely people. We both do some volunteer work, so please do not assume we are selfishly wasting our lives.
The problem is our children. They aren't kids anymore, but each of them is in trouble. One daughter is married and "no longer in love." She has a boyfriend. Another daughter is living with a younger man I know she'll have to support for the rest of her life because he doesn't believe in work. She also has his two teenagers living with them. Another daughter is going through a miserable divorce. She has a son who surely will end up in jail again if he isn't there already.
I should be having the time of my life, but there is such a sadness around me that I fight it daily. I don't know what to do, Ann. All these troubled adult children are getting the best of me. I try to hide my anxiety from my husband because I don't want him to be as miserable as I am. What should I do, Ann? Please throw me a lifeline. -- Heavy-Hearted in the Palms
Dear H.H., First, you should discuss with your husband what is going on with the children. They're his, too, you know. It will help to have his support. Next, you need some counseling to help you cope with your anxiety. (An antidepressant could be a great help.)
Your counselor will explain that you are not responsible for the lives of your adult children.
It is time to let them untangle their own messes and grow up. It may be difficult not to become involved in their problems, but it could be the biggest favor you ever will do for them. In the meantime, you deserve to enjoy your retirement years. Don't let your children spoil them for you.
Dear Ann Landers, My father recently passed away. He was 95. Right up to the end, his mind was active, and he was alert and aware.
My sister and I were at his bedside, along with my father's wife. For several days, my stepmother insisted on whispering into Dad's ear that it was OK to die, OK to let go. She urged him "to follow the light." To me, it sounded like she was telling him to give up and get it over with. I found this offensive and disturbing. When I told her how I felt, she insisted she only wanted to make things easier for Dad. What do you say? -- Bob in New York
Dear N.Y., At 95, I doubt that anything she said to your father would have made much difference one way or the other. It sounds to me as if the real problem is an undercurrent of hostility between you and your stepmother. Give it up, and let your father rest in peace.
