Dear Ann Landers,
s I was snitching a bit of potato salad from the bowl in the fridge before supper last night, my wife caught me and in-sisted that I read your column about the hog-mouth husband who was too lazy to get a plate. Now that I have been properly chastened, I will, of course, give up this foul habit. Thanks to 25 years of Ann Landers' brilliant counsel-ing, my wife has molded me into a model of perfection. I no longer dance at parties with a lamp shade on my head, nor do I pinch the fan-nies of pretty waitresses. Furthermore, I have given up spitting in the eye of smokers who blow the stuff my way. The list of bad habits you caused me to drop goes on and on. But,

dear woman, the pressure of being perfect is getting to me. You and I must be the only two perfect people in the world. How do you deal with it, Annie Baby? -Dudley Dull from the Midwest Dear Dud,
It's easy. I wear my hair in a bouffant style so the halo doesn't show and my clothes are cut to allow extra room for wings. And now may I ask you a question? Do you brush your teeth with gun-powder? Since you do such a good job of shooting your mouth off, I thought I'd ask.