Dear Ann Landers, I commend you for printing the letter from "Sick of It in South Dakota," whose children lived with their father after her divorce. She said it's time to accept the idea that sometimes the kids are better off with Dad.
I am a divorced father with two boys, ages 7 and 9. They live with their mother. I pay out a lot of money for child support, but I doubt that the money is being spent on the children. If it were, I wouldn't have to take them for haircuts and buy them sneakers and winter jackets. I've asked my lawyer whether there is any recourse, but was told I could not dictate where the child support money goes.
I have recently remarried. My new wife is very supportive and has a great relationship with my sons. She is more of a mother to them than my ex-wife. I see my children every Wednesday and on alternate weekends. When it is time for them to go home, they cry and tell me they don't want to go. They have asked to live with me. I know they would be happier if that were possible, and they would have a more stable and secure environment, but unfortunately, the courts do not see it that way.
I have attempted to get custody of my sons, but the courts seem interested only in how much money I can pay. And have you noticed that when a couple gets divorced, the kids almost always end up with the mother, leaving the father with a painful court battle and an expensive legal bill? In spite of the aggravation, I refuse to give up. I'm still fighting for my boys. Ann, please tell all the divorced dads who love their children that they must stay in their children's lives, no matter what. Their children need them. -- Been There and Done That in New York
Dear New York, Your letter speaks more eloquently than anything I might say. Every divorced dad who has walked in your shoes is grateful to you for writing.
Dear Ann Landers, I would like your help in eliminating a phrase from our vocabulary. It is "rule of thumb." This may seem innocuous to you, but the history of the phrase could make you change your mind.
Before enlightenment and more civilized thinking, there were rules regarding when and how a man could beat a woman. For example, he could not beat her on Sundays and was not allowed to beat her with a stick that was thicker than the breadth of his thumb. Hence the expression "rule of thumb."
I think we should eliminate that phrase from our vocabularies out of respect for the abused women of the world. Will you help? -- New Rules in Grand Forks, N.D.
Dear N.D., I don't recall ever having used that phrase, and now that I know the origin, I doubt that I ever will. Thanks for the info.
Dear Ann Landers, Our daughter, who is away at college, is suffering from depression. She is on medication and seeing a therapist at school.
"Maya's" first semester was a nightmare, partly because her father refused to let her come home to visit, even though the college is only three hours away. I finally overruled him and insisted she drive home for the weekend. I could see how debilitating the depression was.
If Maya cannot survive another semester and wants to come home, I don't know what my husband will do. We have been married for 20 years, and he is getting harder and harder to deal with. I'm tired of arguing with him, but I have to stand up for my daughter. Not every child can be sent away from home at age 18 and cope. If anything should happen to her, I would never forgive myself.
Should I bring Maya home and tell her to go to school in town, or do you think my husband is right in saying she should tough it out? -- Virginia Beach Mom
Dear Virginia Beach, If your daughter is on medication, she must have a doctor who prescribed it. Consult with him about whether Maya should tough it out. She sounds emotionally fragile, and this could push her over the edge.
Dear Ann Landers, School sports have taken over the lives of my children, and I'm tired of it. Am I the only one?
Some nights, my kids don't have the time or energy to study. They just fall into bed exhausted. There is no time for doing home chores or taking on after-school jobs, which some kids need. We hear a great deal about having well-rounded students. Sports participation interferes with that. If the kids want to play soccer and be in the band, too, forget it! The coaches won't allow it. No excuse is acceptable for missing a practice or a game -- including weddings or funerals, let alone eating supper with the family.
Let's face it. This is supposed to be fun for the kids. Most of them will never play professionally or get a college athletic scholarship. I propose parents unite and refuse to let the kids practice or play during school holidays or on weekends. If parents would make a united stand and say, "Only Monday through Friday, and two weeks before school starts, and one week after school lets out for the summer," the coaches would have no choice but to schedule during that timeframe. Too many parents and coaches have forgotten that the real purpose of school is to get an education. -- Sports Parents in La Crosse, Wis.
Dear Sports Parents, You've written a very tough letter, but all your complaints are valid. I wonder if there are other parents who feel as you do. I also wonder if other coaches around the country are as demanding as the ones in La Crosse, Wis.
Dear Ann Landers, I would like to respond to the letter from "Ticked Off in Texas." His mother-in-law, "Edna," used her granddaughter's name to get phone service, and then "Tiffany," the granddaughter, wound up $500 in debt. She filed charges against Grandma for fraud. You said, "Relatives don't do that to one another." Ann, Tiffany HAD to file fraud charges to get the negative credit removed from her report. Paying it off without disputing the charges would still cause credit problems for the girl.
I negotiate home loans for one of the nation's largest lenders. Here's what would have happened had Tiffany not filed the fraud report: It would be virtually impossible for her to get a car loan at normal interest rates. She would forever have to put down a large deposit to get utilities. She would have difficulty qualifying for student loans and certainly would have trouble getting her first home.
Early credit problems for young people can forever change the way their credit is treated. Where I work, there is a flag put on credit reports for Social Security numbers issued in the last 18 years -- and thus belonging to minors. If the phone company had had this information, they would not have extended credit to 16-year-old Tiffany.
While I'm at it, let me take this opportunity to get across some important credit information to your readers: If you are moving to another state and plan to buy a home, keep close at hand your tax returns, bank statements and recent paycheck stubs. You will need these to qualify for the mortgage on a new home.
If you are getting a divorce and dividing the debts, be certain you list the company name and account number for each credit card debt in the property settlement. Don't let your attorney write, "He gets this bill, and she gets the other." Ten years later, it's difficult to determine who was supposed to pay what bills when new accounts and new spouses are added to the mix. -- Diana in Palm Harbor, Fla.
Dear Diana, Thanks for giving my readers a lot of valuable legal advice for free. Keep reading for more about Edna and Tiffany:
From California: Your advice to "Ticked Off in Texas" was way off. My wife's elderly aunt was ripped off for more than $150,000 by her nephew. The money came from the sale of her home and was her retirement nest egg. She sued him to get it back. Would you have denied her that money just because he was a relative? Grandma is a crook and deserved to be nailed.
Roanoke, Va.: Filing charges is the only way to clear Tiffany's name. I have seen families try to put accounts in the names of children who were 4 or 5 years old. "Ticked Off" might want to write other utility companies and get a copy of Tiffany's credit report to make sure Granny hasn't surprised her again. In fact, everyone should get a copy of his or her credit report once a year. Also, Ann, your Pollyanna notion that relatives shouldn't sue each other is naive. When the relative is a crook, that person should be treated like any other crook.
