Dear Ann Landers, Two weeks ago, when I came home from the supermarket, I found a note from my husband saying there was too much pressure in his life and he needed to get away. I immediately checked our bedroom and found that all his clothes were gone.
A few days later, I learned he already had another apartment and a new phone number, which proved he had been planning his escape for quite some time. I had an awful feeling of betrayal when I realized that the person I had been sleeping next to for so many years would plan to sneak off and leave me without saying a word.
The note he left said he would contact me in a few days. It has been nearly a week, and I haven't heard from him. My friends tell me I should phone him and find out exactly what he has in mind, but I don't want to do that. After all, he is the one who left, and I think he should make the first move. Please give me some advice. -- Confused in the Midwest
Dear Midwest, Don't rush. Let the dust settle. Wait another week. If you don't hear anything by then, call and tell him you need to know what his plans are so you can make yours. You gave me no clue as to your age, how long you have been married or what your financial status is. If I knew more about your situation, I could be more helpful. Good luck.
Dear Ann Landers, I am planning to marry the love of my life in June. "Phillip" is a terrific guy except when it comes to my 12-year-old daughter, "Beth," who is very sweet but has attention deficit disorder. Phillip does not understand that she needs to be reminded of things over and over. When he asks her to do a chore, he expects her to jump to it immediately. He doesn't realize that Beth is easily distracted and forgets. She isn't being deliberately disobedient.
I think Phillip is being too hard on Beth when he says she needs more discipline. I agree that Beth may resent Phillip's presence in my life, but it doesn't help when he yells at her all the time. I love him dearly, but I'm having second thoughts about what marrying him might do to my daughter. Help me make the right choice. -- Unsure in Baltimore
Dear Unsure, Put Phillip in touch with the authority who diagnosed Beth's problem. When he understands it better, he will be a lot less judgmental. Work at smoothing the way between him and Beth. And don't let Phillip get away. In a few years, Beth will be gone, and you could be very much alone.
Dear Ann Landers, In your response to the woman who couldn't understand why her husband never called her by her first name, you quoted Dr. Will Menninger, who said, "The sweetest sound in any language is the sound of your own name." Actually, it was Dale Carnegie who said that. You added that your former husband, an accomplished salesman, found that using the customer's first name was a good sales ploy. Please be aware, Ann, this practice is not acceptable worldwide.
In the Spanish culture, one never addresses a stranger by his or her first name. In fact, Spanish has two forms of salutation: the formal, which is used for elders, people of authority and strangers, and the familiar, which is used for friends, family and close associates. Using the familiar form to address strangers is a sign of disrespect or poor upbringing. In fact, this is the case in most European countries.
Even now, after 40 years in the United States, I find it difficult to address casual acquaintances by their first names. And many salesmen never get past the first sentence when they use my first name. It's not because I am aloof; it's just a formality born of my native culture. -- E.M., M.D.
Dear Dr. M., Thank you for a letter sure to teach many people (including me) something useful today. If any of you readers are planning a trip to a Spanish-speaking country, or any foreign city for that matter, I suggest that you remember this column.
Dear Ann Landers, I am writing in response to the letter from the woman who thought she had won a multimillion-dollar foreign lottery. You missed a wonderful opportunity to educate your readers about a serious crime that most often victimizes seniors who can lose thousands of hard-earned dollars.
Playing foreign lotteries through the mail is illegal. Many such companies operate out of Canada to avoid prosecution while targeting victims in the United States. These companies use high-pressure tactics. They manipulate people into sending money to buy tickets. They keep the scam going by telling folks they have won small sums of money and then encouraging them to invest the money back into the lottery.
Foreign lotteries are an addictive form of gambling. In Oregon, some victims have lost thousands of dollars. Losses usually cannot be recovered. Companies sometimes claim they are collecting money for taxes, customs or other fees so they can offer a bigger prize. This is just another scam to get the victim to send more money. The victim will NEVER see the promised prize.
The U.S. Department of Justice, the Federal Trade Commission and the U.S. Postal Inspection Service have all been working to shut these lottery companies down. Readers who have been contacted by one of these scam artists should call their state attorney general's office for assistance. Please share this information with your readers so they can avoid becoming the next victim of these ruthless and illegal activities. -- Hardy Myers, attorney general, Oregon
Dear Attorney General Myers, I have printed several letters over the years warning my readers about the various lotteries and sweepstakes that collect millions of dollars from gullible folks who don't stand the chance of the proverbial snowball in hell. One more such letter won't hurt, especially since it comes from an attorney general. Thanks for the verification.
Dear Ann Landers, My 23-year-old daughter is engaged to marry a young man I cannot stand. She seems very happy, and that is the most important thing, but the relationship worries me. "Francine" used to date a fellow I adored, but they broke up. He had all the qualities I admired. Her current beau has none of them. "Cal" loses his temper a lot and yells at Francine. I have mentioned my concerns and let her know that if he ever hits her, she can come to me anytime.
Francine is now living with Cal, and they have a joint bank account. He has a so-so job but never pays for anything if he can help it. Restaurant meals and movie tickets are always on her. He has no ambition to attend college, and I am sure Francine will end up supporting him, which galls me to no end. I am civil in Cal's presence but just barely. He constantly puts Francine down, and I invariably find myself defending her.
I have begged Francine to wait another year before making a final commitment, but she refuses. Her brother just married, and I wonder if perhaps she isn't competing with him. Is there anything I can do? -- Pennsylvania
Dear Penn., Yes, you can stop knocking Cal and do your darndest to find something about him to admire. This will baffle Francine. Do not mention the old boyfriend you like, or she will never go near him. Meanwhile, keep busy, and pay as little attention as possible to your daughter's social life. A 23-year-old woman might interpret her mother's "guidance" as interference and marry the guy to assert her independence.
Gem of the Day (Credit Sara Weintraub, age 90, Boston): "If I had everything to do over again, I would care 20 percent less."
