Dear Ann Landers,
have a 5- month-old son and things are back to normal now but the first four months were a nightmare. Why? Because al- most every day four or five sets of friends and relatives came to visit. Some didn't even call first. My mother-in-law brought over a woman I barely knew. She told me how she had developed complications while nursing her baby and almost lost her breast. (A great story for a young mother just getting started.) Another woman brought her young child along and after an hour said, "I really ought to take Billy home. He had a 102 tem- perature this morning. I'm afraid he's coming down with something." In 1961 I wrote my first book. It was called Since You Ask Me. In that book, I dealt with the problems that produced the greatest number of letters. Chapter Six of that book was called, "Must We Outlaw the In-Law?" Today, many years later, in-law problems still figure prominently as one of the major causes for marital bust-ups. I am often asked, "How serious is an in-law problem? Has it been exagger-ated? Has the American mother-in-law earned her black eye or is she the in-nocent victim of gag-writers?" My mail provides daily evidence that the in-law problem is no myth. Ex-perts say in-laws figure in two out of five divorces-somewhere. Social critics insist the American matriarchy has crowded Dad so far out of the picture that he isn't important enough to make trouble. This may be more than a lame joke. My mail indicates that the mother-in-law is at least fifty times as troublesome as the father-in-law. And in most cases, it is the mother of the husband who causes the problem. The constant round of company made me nervous. The baby became cranky and my husband and I started picking at each other. We realize now we were fools to let thoughtless people do this to us. It's too late for now, but next time we'll know better. MAD IN MOR

DEAR MAD,
Relax, honey. The sec-ond baby rarely attracts crowds like the firstborn. Nevertheless, here's your letter. Maybe somebody will learn from it. 644 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA When it is the wife's mother who creates marital discord, the problem be-comes extremely complicated. The Mama-dominated wife never gets over feeling like a naughty child when she bypasses Mama and puts her husband first. The most troublesome relative, after the mother-in-law (his or hers), is the sister-in-law (usually his sister). The brother-in-law (his brother) is close on her heels, and the father-in-law (hers) comes straggling in-a poor fourth. The trite phrase, "I'm marrying him (or her), not the family," is unreal-istic. In most instances it is virtually impossible to steer clear of all relatives. But even when physical separation is accomplished, it is difficult to sever emotional bonds. Family ties are like roots. And roots lie ever present, be-neath the surface. The classic mother-in-law problem is caused by the woman who refuses to let go of her son. The young wife who understands her mother-in-law's need to cling feels less threatened and maintains a calm center. I have suggested repeatedly that married couples who are plagued with in-law prob-lems visit a clergyman or a marriage counselor and verbalize their feelings. A third party who is unbiased and trained in dealing with family problems may give them both a fresh look at the other side. The daughter-in-law should be tuned in and sympathetic to a mother of three or four adult children who finds herself with an empty nest. For the past twenty years she has been busy with her children. One by one, they leave. Her interests are frequently limited to club or church groups. Suddenly life becomes empty and sterile. She has nothing important or demanding to occupy her time and energy, so she turns to "helping" her married children. She means well, but a young bride who wants to do things her own way may consider it meddling. When a mother-in-law offers suggestions to Betty on what to do about Ted's cold (after all, who knows better than a boy's mother?) Betty inter-prets it as "butting in." A marriage counselor or a clergyman can point out that a mother's interest in her son is normal and that a mother-in-law can be useful to a daughter-in-law who is willing to accept gracefully a few well-in-tentioned suggestions. The following letter from Virginia illustrates a problem which is more complex because it involves two gravely neurotic people-a mother and her son: