Dear Ann Landers,
As you can see from the letterhead, I am in jail in Indianapolis at Marion County correctional facility. I am not asking for help. I am writing instead to offer some help. As a person who has made a fortune in burglaries and robberies, I have some advice for your readers. Perhaps I can save them some trou-ble and money. People spend money on burglar alarms, pick-proof locks and watchdogs, but they encourage break-ins by leaving open garage doors that lead into the house. An experienced burglar knows how to deal with alarms and locks. A hunk of meat or a blast of Mace will quiet the dog. You might think it unbelievable, but I have ransacked many a night- stand while the owner slept less than 1 foot away. Burglars have dis- 2 I It I ANN IANIIEIIS covered that the nightstand is a gold mine of wallets, credit cards, checkbooks, jewelry-and guns. Once in the wee hours, I actually had to crawl under a bed while the sleepy victim got up and went to the bathroom. When he returned and resumed his snoring, I ripped the place off for a couple of watches, a handgun and $125 in cash. One thing that worries a burglar is a light in the bathroom. Most burglars do not wish to risk a confrontation with a person coming out of the bathroom. If you want to discourage an intruder, keep the bath-room light on all night and the bathroom door ajar. If you are not at home, the ploy still works-provided you remember to rumple up the bed so it will look as if someone has been sleeping in it. The important thing to remember is this: If you are in bed and you hear a stranger in the house, stay in bed. Pretend you are asleep. Don't try to be a hero. Most burglars travel in pairs these days, and they are usually armed. If a confrontation does occur, keep cool. Remember that about 75 percent of all break-ins today are by people who are high on drugs or pills. They are desperate for money and will kill you if they have to. Don't argue or scream. Don't try to get to an alarm button or a phone. The smart thing to do is fake a faint and stay unconscious. Nothing you own is worth getting killed for. The judge has already said I should spend from one to ten years with the Indiana Department of Corrections for my misdeeds. From where I see it-at the age of 21-the immediate future isn't too rosy. I hope when I'm free I'll still be worried about your house. Sincerely, -D.P.F., Cellblock 3-G

Dear D.P.F.,
So do I. In the meantime, thank you for a most infor-mative letter.