Dear Ann Landers,
ou have often addressed the subject of adopted children searching for their birth parents. A recent letter mentioned the cheap media sensationalism covering these reunions and how some adoptive parents are made to feel like "interim" parents, waiting for a now-mature birth mother to show up. You said it is unfair to generalize about birth mothers and that "many suffer a lot" when they give up their children. That statement is a gross generalization in itself. Adoption does not always mean a cute, cuddly 3-day-old infant delivered into the arms of a waiting couple by a grieving-but-proud unwed teenager. Our adopted daughter, who came to us when she was 4 years old, was the victim of profound sexual abuse and severe neglect by both her parents. The difficulties in raising such a child are enormous. Many have emotional, physical and neurological problems as well as learning disabilities, which are often the result of drug abuse during pregnancy. What am I going to tell my daughter, now 7, when she starts to ask questions about her "real" mother and father? So far, I've explained that not all parents are able to care for and love a child, and that it's better to find a mommy and daddy who can. That story will do for a while, but before long, she's going to ask questions that demand specific answers. Should I tell her that her parents lost three other children to the courts and never bothered to try to get them back? That they sneaked out of town one step ahead of the law and have been on the run ever since? What is my child going to find if she begins a search for her birth parents? They could be dead from a drug overdose or in jail. Could she ever hope to understand or cope with knowing what kind of people they really were? I've given this dilemma a great deal of thought and have concluded that, for these kids, no answer is the best answer and no search is by far the best option. I am not signing my name for obvious reasons. -Sacramento Parent

Dear Sac,
As you probably know, I do not recommend these searches, based on the heartbreaking experiences I've been privy to over the years. In all fairness, however, I should tell you that some searches have resulted in happy reunions. As for what to tell your daughter when she gets old enough to be-come profoundly inquisitive, the naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.