AnnLanders.com, Advice by Ann Landers - []
Our Featured Column from the Archives: [Read More Featured Columns]
[Previous] [Next]
Section:
 
 

Dear Ann Landers,
With pleasure. Just for today I will live through the next 12 hours and not tackle my whole life problem at once. Just for today I will improve my mind. I will learn something useful. I will read something that requires ef-fort, thought and concentration. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak in a well- modulated voice, be courteous and considerate. Just for today I will not find fault with friend, relative or colleague. I will not try to change or improve anyone but myself. Just for today I will have a program. I might not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two enemies-hurry and indecision. Just for today I will exercise my character in three ways. I will do a good turn and keep it a secret. If anyone finds out, it won't count. Just for today I will do two things I don't want to do, just for exercise. Just for today I will be unafraid. Es-pecially will I be unafraid to enjoy what is beautiful and believe that as I give to the world, the world will give to me. Be bigger than what happens to you. If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and, when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." Then repeat to yourself the most comforting of all words, "This too shall pass." Maintaining self-respect in the face of a devastating experience is of prime importance. To forgive oneself is perhaps the most difficult of life's chal- 288 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA lenges. Most of us find it much easier to forgive others. I've received letters brimming with self-recrimination-letters that prove no punishment is so painful as the self-inflicted kind. Here are a few examples: "I let my boyfriend go too far. Now, when he sees me, he looks the other way. I'm so ashamed of myself I could just die." "I threw a dish towel in my mother-in-law's face. She was trying to be helpful and I lost my temper. I hate myself." "I got caught cheating in a history exam today. All the kids know about it. I feel rotten." "I'm not used to liquor. I only drink to celebrate something. Last night was my birthday and I got disgustingly drunk. I insulted people, became sick in the car and disgraced myself. I wish I was dead." I've written this advice thousands of times: "It's done. Finished. Over. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Take heart from the knowledge that something good can come of it if it teaches you a lesson. Profit from it-then forget it." Most people with normal intelligence learn from experience. A white rat will refuse to follow a piece of cheese along a maze if he discovers after a few attempts that the maze will lead him into a puddle of cold water. Some humans, unhappily, don't have the common sense of a white rat. They make the same mistakes time after time. To them, experience merely helps them to recognize the mistake when they make it again. My mail is heavy with examples. A St. Louis woman writes: "I married an alcoholic. He is brutal and I'm scared to death of him. This is the third time I've picked a loser. I knew Steve drank a little, but I had no idea he was a drunk. Why do I have such miserable luck with men?" Specialists in the field of human behavior tell us that people who repeat-edly bring disaster down on their heads are self-destructive. They feel un-worthy and are unconsciously seeking punishment. Professional help must be sought to end this self-flagellation. Experience, they say, is the best teacher, but we get the grade first and the lesson later. As a youngster I was effervescent, outgoing, and I talked too much. I had a talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. By the time I was a high school freshman, I was better able to synchronize my mouth and my brain, but still I made mistakes and tortured myself because of the foolish things I had said. One day a high school English teacher taught me with a single dramatic act the futility of rehashing the past. As the students filed into her classroom, we noticed on her desk a quart bottle of milk standing in a heavy stone crock. "This morning," she announced, "I'm going to teach you a lesson that has nothing to do with English, but it has a lot to do with life." She picked up the bottle of milk, crashed it against the inside of the stone crock, and it splin-tered into small pieces. "The lesson," she said, "is, don't cry over spilled milk." THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 289 Then she invited us to look at the wreckage. "I want all of you to remember this," she said. "Would any of you attempt to restore the bottle to its original form? Does it do any good to wish the bot-tle had not been broken? Does it help to get upset and tell yourself how good the milk might have tasted if this hadn't happened? Look at this mess! You can moan about it forever, but it won't put the bottle back together again. Remember this broken bottle of milk when something happens in your life that nothing can undo." I've reminded myself of that broken bottle of milk in the stone crock time and time again. It has helped me remain steady and calm as well as physi-cally sound. Our bodies take a beating when we put ourselves through an emotional wringer. To try to undo what has been done or agonize about op-portunities missed it not only foolish, it's futile. Omar Khayy&m put it eloquently: The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it. Most of us have been victimized in one way or another by an unscrupulous opportunist. Even the experienced can be taken in by a clever operator. In many instances we can't control what happens to us, but we can control our own reactions to what happens to us. We can stay down for the count and be carried out of the ring or we can take the beating and pull ourselves back to our feet. Sometimes the choice isn't even a conscious one. Many crises seem insurmountable, but time and again we have seen ordi-nary people display genius in turning a hopeless situation into something tol-erable or even good. There should be a special citation for the little guy who manages to keep going when he has every right to crack up. When Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 "love your enemy," He was not only suggesting that we make life easier for them but He wanted to make life easier for us. Some contend that such advice is folly. Why give our enemies goodwill in return for treachery? Should we not try to crush those who try to destroy us? But by "love your enemy" Jesus did not mean that we should "grapple them to our soul with hoops of steel." He did mean that to preserve our own mental and physical well-being we should refuse to allow ourselves to be con-sumed with hatred or bitterness. We must refuse to give evil people the power to break our spirit, make us physically ill, and perhaps even shorten our lives. Any doctor will tell you that worry, anxiety, tension and anger can make you sicker than a virus. As far back as Plato man knew that what took place in his mind produced physical changes in his body. We are all acquainted with examples of such emotional phenomena. The 290 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA sight of an accident can cause nausea or fainting. Stage fright can cause a pounding of the heart, excessive perspiration and butterflies in the stomach. During the First World War thousands of soldiers were incapacitated, be-cause of "shellshock." Many of the afflicted had never been near a shell. In World War II they called it "battle fatigue," although many of the men stricken had never been in combat. They collapsed and were unable to func-tion because of fear and anxiety. The expression "nervous breakdown" suggests that nerves have broken down, but the problem is purely emotional. Organically the nerves are healthy. A doctor on the staff of the Mayo Clinic has said the majority of pa-tients in hospital beds today are there because of illnesses which were psycho-generated. This means the sickness was triggered by an emotional problem. So, when you find that someone has "done you wrong," say to yourself, "I will not spend one extra minute hating or trying to get even. It's too expen-sive." Hatred is like an acid. It can do more damage to the container in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured. TROUBLE BEYOND HUMAN CONTROL "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." These words by William Henley offer courage to the faint of heart. It's comforting for man to feel that he has the power to chart his own destiny, but it isn't always true. Even though we may lead the good life and fight the good fight, we are some-times tripped up by the process of living. Call it bad luck, fate, or whatever you choose, but man is at the mercy of trouble beyond human control. Death and tragedy touch us all sooner or later. When it comes, it reminds us of our own frailty, and it makes us all brothers and sisters. Shortly after World War II, I was the chairman of a tea for Gold Star mothers. Some women arrived in chauffeured limousines. Others came on foot, not able to afford bus fare. Some wore mink stoles, others, woolen jackets. Their back-grounds and daily lives couldn't have been more different, but their heartache was the same. As they sat side by side, their differences disappeared. The tragedy each shared united them for a time at least. Never before or since have I seen more dramatic proof that trouble is the great equalizer. I believe in blind faith. I have known people who have suffered deep per-sonal tragedies and they believe in it too. But, I also believe in the efficacy of positive action to overcome grief. Time is a healer, but those who help time by using it wisely and well make a more rapid adjustment. Grief, in part, is self-pity turned inside out. The widow who wails, "He was everything to me. How can I go on without him . . ." is crying for herself, not for him. Death is sometimes a merciful release from suffering and misery. The one who survives must struggle with the problem of living. The mourner who wears his grief interminably eventually isolates himself THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 291 from his friends. The world may stop for a few hours (or perhaps a few days) to hold a hand or to wipe away a tear, but friends and relatives have problems of their own. Life goes on-and those who refuse to go on with it are left alone to wallow in their solitary misery. The best prescription for a broken heart is activity. I don't mean plunging into a social whirl or running off on trips. Too many people try to escape from their heartache by hopping on planes, trains and ships. They succeed only in taking their troubles with them. The most useful kind of activity in-volves doing something to help others. I have told thousands of despondent people, "Enough of this breast-beating. What will it accomplish? No matter how badly off you are there is someone who is worse off-and you can help him." Most touching to me is the heroism, the courage and faith of the average people in the world. Often readers who write about a problem will add some-thing about their personal lives. I am moved by the magnificent people who write such lines as: "My husband lost his sight shortly after we married, but we manage beautifully." Or: "I've had two operations for cancer, but I know I'll be able to attend my son's graduation in June and I'm so thankful for that." No one knows why life must be so punishing to some of God's finest crea-tures. Perhaps it is true that everything has a price and we must sacrifice something precious to gain something else. The poets and philosophers say adversity, sorrow and pain give our lives meaning-an added dimension. Those who suffer deeply touch life at every point; they drain the cup to the dregs while others sip only the bubbles on top. Perhaps no man can touch the stars unless he has known the depths of despair. credit: Ann Landers from Since You Ask Me, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. Cosmetics How to Enhance Your Looks There are no ugly women-only lazy ones. A woman, no matter how much God has blessed her with good looks, can improve on or detract from them with the proper or improper use of cosmetics. The purpose of this article is to help you learn about cosmetics, and how to use them. It will not be easy. It 292 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA takes practice-knowing where to begin and what tools to use. Each face is unique. A careful study of your face is the key to enhancing your beauty. Let's get started. STEP 1-A GOOD HARD LOOK: Pull your hair straight back from your face. Better yet, put on a scarf and tuck all the hair in. Look straight ahead into a mirror. Be sure to use a mirror that is magnified in a room with lots of natural light. If you own a makeup mirror with lights, you have a definite advantage. I prefer to sit while I do my makeup; it can be relaxing and fun, like painting a picture. Study your features, decide which are your good points and which are bad. Then accentuate the positive and camouflage the negative. Take a moist bar of soap and draw on the mirror the shape you are seeing. Study that shape-is it round, square, oblong, triangle, a heart or the perfect oval? This will help you not only in selecting cosmetics, but also in choosing a hair style that will best suit your features. STEP 2-AND THEN: Cleanliness is next to godliness; never put new makeup on over old. Use a cleanser or cold cream to remove old makeup, followed by a thorough washing with warm water and a non-alkaline soap. Many women do not feel clean without using soap; however, it must be pointed out that soap does not dissolve makeup; only cleansers can do this. Never rub the face; pat and stroke gently and use only the little fingers around the eyes. Follow the cleansing by dabbing an astringent on a cotton ball and patting it on the face. This ensures complete removal of all makeup. Moisturizer comes next, vitally important under makeup from sixteen years of age to grandmother, as well as when not wearing makeup and at bedtime. Never go to bed without removing all makeup and using the procedures men-tioned above, as well as a night cream. If you are applying makeup for the day, moisturizer will help seal the look and prevent your makeup base from turning orange or streaking. STEP 3-THE BASE: Selecting a base is extremely important. Re-member, expensive does not always mean best. The color must blend with your natural skin tones. You don't want to look as if you have painted your face. Choose a liquid or cream base that can be applied with a wet sponge for a natural look. Choose a color by dabbing the makeup on the outside of the hand near the thumb and blending it to the wrist. Seek a professional in the cosmetic department of a store to help you. They have been trained by cos-metic manufacturers and do not charge for their services. When applying makeup, use the dot method-putting it on the forehead, nose, cheeks and chin, blending it in, especially at the neck. Nothing looks more amateurish than a visible makeup line. To ensure a perfect blend, pat a water-saturated cotton ball around hairline and neckline and through the eye-brows. STEP 4-THE BLUSH: Color selection of cream or powdered blush is the next step. Choose a bronze shade if your hair is brown, red or brunette; a THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 293 rose-pink shade if you are blonde or graying. To apply, smile-it feels good and helps you place the color properly. As you smile, you will see what we will call the apple of the cheek. Place the blush in the center of the apple and blend upward to the temple. Do not go below the nose or around the eye area. STEP 5-EYES: Add sparkle to tired eyes with eye drops, and a moist tea bag can do wonders for puffy eyes if you lie back with one on each eye for ten minutes. Dark circles can be camouflaged with coverup or illusion cream two shades lighter than your complexion. Place it under the eyes and directly under the brow, blending it to the temple. The brow comes next-the shape of the brow is critical. Determine the shape for your eyes and face. Do not follow fads. I stress again that God made each face unique, and trying to look like a picture of someone else is a mistake. You must establish your own look and stick to it. Fashion can dic-tate a few minor changes but not totally. Perhaps a new eye shadow color or lipstick shade will do the trick. To determine the shape of your brow, look straight into the mirror and use your eyebrow pencil to make three marks. Mark the brow at the outer comers of the iris (this determines the arch), lay the pencil to the side of your nose to the temple and mark it. This is the length. Lay the pencil along the nose to the inner comer of the eye and mark it. This will determine how far the brow should come to the nose. Now take a tweezer, preferably the scissor type, and tweeze a few hairs from the arch at the mark. If you have brows extending past the mark at the nose, remove the hairs there. Use the pencil to lightly fill in the area of length to that mark. Rubbing the brow area with an ice cube will cut the sting if this is your first attempt at tweezing. If possible, it would be good to go to a professional for the first arching. Never tweeze above the brow or use a shaver. Select a brow pencil or brash and brow color to blend with your hair (never black, char-coal or brown/black for brunettes). Use auburn or light brown for redheads and blondes, medium brown for shades of brown hair. Everyone wants long thick lashes. If you have been blessed, lavish them with a coat of mascara-uppers only. Very few women can use mascara suc-cessfully on the lower lashes. The problem is-(even with the waterproof non-smudge-promising brands)-the mascara almost always has a way of flaking off onto the face. It's wise to carry a magnifying makeup mirror in your purse at all times and check out the upper mascaraed eyelashes. A single fallen fleck can ruin the entire effect. For special occasions try a light pair of false lashes trimmed to fit your eyes. Black mascara is good for most everyone except blondes and certain shades of red and gray (they must use brown). The same applies to the false lash color. Eye shadow is next. Select a color that highlights your eyes, again no fads -blue and violets and aquas for blue eyes; frosted grays, beige and pink for brown eyes. I prefer the powdered to the creams for a lasting effect. Apply only on the lids-never put colored shadow to the brow. As you become 294 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA more experienced, you may want to blend colors to the brow, but to be safe, only on the lid at the beginning. Cotton swabs are excellent for repairs. Go to a professional salon if you wish to learn more glamorous eye techniques. Liners and smudging can add dimension if applied with extreme care. Prac-tice and experiment before you make this part of your daily routine. The same caution would apply to contouring the face, shortening or nar-rowing a less than perfect nose, working on more specific problems such as birthmarks, moles, freckles, pitted skin, scars, removal of unwanted hair on the face, etc. A professional beautician's advice would be money well spent. The eyes are everyone's most important feature. If you must wear eye frames, select them with care. The new designer frames are very flattering and most optical shops have an experienced consultant to help you. STEP 6-LIPS: Lips are the second most important feature. Using a lip brush assures properly applied lip color. Choose a lipstick that is moist and creamy; this is no time to be stingy. A good lipstick is a sound investment in good looks. Select a color that is fashionable and blends with your skin tones. A touch of lip gloss or Vaseline gives you a polished look. STEP 7-THE FINAL TOUCH: To complete your total look, apply a translucent medium-shade powder with a powder brush or cotton ball lightly over the entire face. This will set your makeup and you will look fresh and lovely for hours. STEP 8-THERE'S MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE: Don't forget your fingernails and toenails. Clean and shape with clippers and an emery board. Remember to file in one direction only and remove the dead cuticles. Clear polish or a base coat followed by a color to co-ordinate with your lip-stick completes your look. Polished teeth, a sweet breath, a good deodorant and a spray of your fa-vorite cologne add the finishing touches. Touch-ups with powder, blush and lipstick are acceptable in public if done quickly. Remember that genuine beauty comes from within. Cosmetics cannot make up for loss of sleep, poor diet, or a negative attitude. A happy smile, sparkling eyes and a positive outlook help make you beautiful. When you have done your best to look your loveliest, forget about yourself and concentrate on others. After all, isn't that what life is all about? credit: Sue Lilly, TV Show Host, WHIO-TV, Dayton, Ohio. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 295 Makeup for the Mature Woman* Here are ten do's for a better makeup for the mature woman: Do makeup in the proper light. Use daylight directly on your face and, if possible, a magnifying mirror. After the makeup has been applied, check it with a regular mirror in artificial light. Apply moisturizer to a clean face. Use a foundation to give even color and tone down small brownish spots that may appear after forty. Be sure the color you wear is the same as your skin tone. When purchasing colors, try them first on your neck, not the back of the hand. Try to get to daylight to see the color. Avoid dark or muddy colors. A thinner base should be used as lines start to appear; the "let's cover them up" concept is wrong for the older woman. The denser bases accentuate the lines, making them appear deeper. Cover lines with a lighter colored base, a little bit heavier in texture. It can be as much as three shades lighter. Apply the lotion to such wrinkled areas as those beneath the eyes, and the lines from the nose to the chin. Apply before and after the foundation, blending carefully to avoid any line of demarcation. Never use white, it's too strong. Next to the eyes, eyebrows are the most important facial feature be-cause they control the expressions. Pluck the hairs underneath the brow and where they straggle out at the end. Consider the shape of the eyes and the po-sition of the brow bone. Don't use greasy eye shadow. Powdered is more attractive. The safest color for the older eye is a soft, light brown or mushroom. This is the color of the eyelid skin and does not draw attention to eyelids as bright blues and greens do. A pink shadow is right for rosy-toned complexions. Eyeliner is subject to fashion changes. Right now, almost no liner and no mascara is being used, which is good for the older woman. A soft shade of a thin line blended above and on the lower lid can help change the shape of the eyes. Mascara. Black, brown or blue are the only colors to be considered. Most over-forty women wear glasses, which magnify eye makeup, especially * Ruth Kling, "How to Catch a Man After You're 40," copyright � 1977 New York News, Inc. Reprinted by permission. Reviewing the book Beauty for the Mature Woman, Dorothy Seiffert, New York: Hawthorn Books. 296 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA mascara. If mascara is worn during the day, blot it with thumb and forefinger while it is still wet to separate lashes. False eyelashes. Use a sparse strip, cut shorter than the eyelid. Avoid too heavy or coarse a lash. Remember to apply a liner before applying lashes. Mascara blends well with false lashes, giving a more natural look. Rouge. For the older woman, creams seem to work very well. They don't blotch or cake. Avoid all purplish, bluish tones. The color should match the skin tones, giving a rosy, healthy, natural hue. The new earth tones may be used if they are not too dark for the complexion. Lipstick. Older women should wear lipstick stronger in intensity, not darker in color. Learn to use a lipstick brush to control contours of lips. The new pencil outliners are good in light brown, avoid the strong reds. Fill in with lipstick and cover with lip gloss; it's great for keeping lips shiny-looking and moisturized. If the mouth is too small or too large, use soft, light shades of lipstick. If wearing a dress in the purple, orange, pink, red or peach shade, be certain lipstick doesn't clash. Keep lipstick and cheek color in the same shade. Skin care is another important factor in keeping mature skin looking good. Know your own skin type and use products designed for normal, dry or oily skin. The nightly routine should include a freshener or astringent for toning. Use a heavier moisturizer at night, one that is easily absorbed and gives a resiliency to the touch. This works as well for the mature skin as expensive creams with exotic names and promises. Several of the old standbys are great since many women in this age bracket are on fixed incomes. Witch hazel is a fine astringent, while Vaseline Petro-leum Jelly can act as a night cream. Simply wipe off the excess to save the bed linens. There are really no miracle wrinkle removers that have any per-manent effect. Cousins {Should. They Marry?) We are not going to delve into questions such as "Should anyone marry, and worsen the population problem?" or "Is it better to marry than to burn?" Any couple contemplating marriage needs to confront a wide range of press- THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 297 ing questions, and we hope that whether cousins or not, a couple will be ask-ing themselves these questions with great seriousness, deliberation and hope. In addition to all the ordinary problems, cousins inherently face additional challenges that come out of their prior family relationships. These special problems are the only ones that will be dealt with here. Two things come to mind: the issues that arise from family tradition, and those from genetic or biological relatedness. I do not know of any factual data on the extent to which the success or failure of marriages depends on the common traditions of the mates. Common sense would say that large differences in economic, social and religious outlook may be sources of mis-understandings in the later married life of a couple. Since cousins are more likely than the average couple to come from homes with similar economic, social and religious backgrounds, they may be relatively free of those bur-dens. Common sense also suggests that mates may become bored if there are no differences; but even cousins are likely to have different life experiences and perspectives. There is some danger that cousin marriages have been arranged to suit the convenience of others, but even here there is little factual evidence on how this affects the outcome. Obviously such matters will vary enor-mously with the cultural background that the couple brings to the marriage, and the setting of their future life. The more obvious question is, "What about the children?" There are many taboos about close marriages in many cultures and religious faiths. In many states first-cousin marriages are not permitted. First, it should be stressed that inbreeding does not in any way generate "bad genes" or create genetic factors that may cause disease or impair the functioning of the child. This is a superstition that has grown over the cen-turies, from the observation that inbreeding tends to expose the genetic de-fects already carried by almost every individual of the species. These defects are the result of evolution, the mutations without which higher organisms and human beings could never have emerged out of the primeval ooze, millions and billions of years ago. The exposure of previous mutations is not to be taken lightly. Everyone of us is carrying two or three "bad genes" in a masked condition, in a way that might only be revealed by the bad luck of meeting a partner with a similar defect. In practical terms, first cousins who marry must face the fact that they will have about twice the risks of bad luck with the genetic dice as do unrelated partners when they have children. It has to be said that women who have children after age thirty-five, or couples who have children knowing that there are definite hereditary prob-lems in their ancestry are taking similarly increased risks. Whether cousins should marry (and have children!) in the face of these concerns is an ethical problem they alone must answer. However, the risks of 298 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA disaster are greatly increased for cousins who are also carriers of known ge-netic diseases, such as cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia, etc. They may be in-creasing the odds of a bad result from less than one out of a hundred (the general average) to over one out of four. For that reason, it is important that cousin-mates, before they have children, visit a genetic counselor and get informed advice about their own specific situation, rather than try to play the odds that apply to the whole average population. For genetic counseling contact your nearest sizable university or your county medical department. credit: Joshua Lederberg, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Genetics, Stanford University Medical School, Stanford, California. Crabs (Pubic Lice) Reliable statistics on the number of people who have pubic lice (crabs) are very hard to come by. I decided to ask for the help of a distinguished physi-cian, Dr. Leslie Norins, at the Center for Communicable Diseases in Atlanta. I discovered Dr. Norins had moved from the Center to become President of American Health Consultants. He informed me that the most dependable in-dicator of louse activity is the sale of medication for this annoying affliction. Dr. Norins also disabused me of a notion I had believed for years-that pubic lice and head lice were the same-found in different places. Not true. They are two different species. Public health authorities believe the principal reason for the increase in pubic lice is the widespread practice of communal living among the young and increased sexual activity at all age levels. They also point out that the so-cial prestige of the pubic louse has been elevated these past ten years. It is no longer an affliction of the ghetto. Pubic lice can now be found in the best so-cial circles. Sales of over-the-counter lotions for treating both head and pubic lice in-creased 1,200 percent from 1963 through 1975. When school is in session, in some college towns, the sale of anti-louse medication is almost equivalent to that of mouthwash. Based on the total sales per 1,000 population, the lousiest cities in the United States for 1975 are: THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 299 Providence, Rhode Island, (2) Corpus Christi, Texas, (3) Albany, New York, (4) Troy, New York, (5) Orlando, Florida, (6) Boston, Mas-sachusetts, (7) Fresno, California, (8) Eugene, Oregon, (9) Manchester, New Hampshire, (10) Las Vegas, Nevada. Almost all pubic lice are "caught" from someone who has pubic lice. It is unlikely but possible to pick up lice on a bedsheet, a bath towel, a gym mat-tress, or a sleeping bag. It takes from seven to ten days from the time of exposure till the itching begins. Pubic lice are prolific breeders and their eggs are cemented to the hair shafts and cannot be eliminated by normal washing or scrubbing. Lice vary in size, but the average louse is about twice as large as a pinhead. They are brownish in color and may look like freckles at first glance. Since lice feed on human blood (like mosquitos) the miserable little creatures pene-trate the flesh and are difficult to identify as living things, unless you catch one that is ambulatory. The alternative is to scratch one off for examination -preferably under a magnifying glass. It looks like a crab. Final evidence is the wiggling of the legs. Freckles do not wiggle. Once it has been determined that you have pubic lice, check the eyebrows, eyelashes, underarms-any area where hair grows. These creatures are "good travelers" and set up housekeeping rapidly. Here are the Do's and Don'ts of eliminating pubic lice, courtesy of Norcliff Thayer, Inc., manufacturers of A-200 Pyrinate, a leading, non-prescription medicine which eliminates lice. some do's Seek assistance. The first sign of lice is usually intense itching. Get a magnifying glass and explore. If you see lice or grayish eggs attached to hair shafts pay a hasty visit to your local health department (city, county or state), take your problem to the school nurse or go to your pharmacist. Treat quickly. Once lice infestation starts, it can spread like wildfire. Shampoo the infested area with a modem proved product. Many are availa-ble without prescription at most drug counters. Protect others. The entire family, or others who have had contact with an infested person, should be inspected. If they too are lousy they should undergo treatment at once. Sanitize personal items. Boil, steam or dry-clean all clothing and per-sonal items, such as combs and brushes. Bedding and the backs of uphol-stered furniture, car seats, etc. should be thoroughly vacuumed and disin-fected, where possible. Re-treat to be sure. It is a good idea to re-treat the infested area after seven days to eliminate any lice that might have hatched after the first treat-ment. 300 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA SOME DON'TS Don't be embarrassed. All people, regardless of their sanitary habits or station in life, can get lice. The important thing is to get rid of them. Don't attempt home remedies. Some home remedies can be ineffective or dangerous. The most effective non-prescription drugs for treating pubic lice are A-200 Pyrinate and Cuprex. credit: Leslie Norins, M.D., Ph.D., President, American Health Consultants, Atlanta, Georgia. Cremation Cremation as a way of final disposition of the body at death has not been widely practiced in the United States. In comparison with Japan and Eng-land, where over half of the people who die are cremated, recent statistics in-dicate that less than 5 percent of American families choose cremation. The reason for this is a matter of custom when formerly it may have been religious. Today there is more acceptance of cremation by the public and less resistance by religious authorities. The fact that you are reading this brief piece of information about crema-tion indicates that you are more than curious about its subject. You are prob-ably the kind of person who is open to different ideas. Perhaps you also feel some responsibility to help your family by suggesting a preference about the final disposition of your body after death. WHAT IS CREMATION? Cremation is an alternative method of the disposition of the human body at death. Through intense heat, the body of one who has died is quickly re-duced to ashes. In contrast to earth burial, which is a gradual process of re-duction to basic elements, cremation accomplishes the same thing in less than a couple of hours. There may be a psychological advantage to cremation for some persons. The idea of a quick, clean incineration of the body is preferable to the slower process of reduction in a grave. What's involved in cremation? It's reassuring to know that most of the customs and rituals we have come to expect with a funeral are not significantly altered if you request cremation. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 301 There can still be a visitation and viewing of the deceased. A worship service ar ceremony with the body present can be held. There can also be some form of committal service for the cremated remains. The body, instead of being taken in a procession to a cemetery or a mauso-leum, may be accompanied by the family in procession to a crematory in a casket or other suitable container. There, usually in a chapel setting, the cas-ket is placed into a retort. The retort is a specially designed furnace capable of reaching extremely high temperature. All smoke and gases are recirculated through the heat chambers, so there is very little discharge into the open air. In less than two hours, the body, which is cremated in a casket, is reduced to a few pounds of bone fragments and ashes. Each body is cremated sepa-rately. The cremated remains are then placed in an urn or in a canister and care- :ully identified. Your funeral director or the crematorium selected will have a variety of urns from which a family can make a selection. What happens to the cremated remains? A family has several options available. One is inurnment. Here the cre- nated remains are put into a small metal or other type container. The urn :an then be permanently located in a purchased niche. Many cemeteries have such facilities ranging from the simple to the elaborate. There are usually perpetual care agreements in force and certain regulations regarding the use Df flowers. Burial: A second option involves placing the cremated remains in an earth �rave in the simple canister or urn in which they are delivered from the cre- natory. Some cemeteries require that the urn be placed in a vault-like con- ainer. Such burials of cremated remains can be in a family plot or a special irea available within some cemeteries. This burial can take place immediately ifter the funeral and the cremation, but the usual custom is to make such purial several days following the cremation. Scattering: Strewing the cremated remains is a third option. This requires some pulverization because usually there are some larger fragments of :alcified bones after cremation. The cremated remains are then distributed on he surface of the ground, into a flowing stream or over the ocean. Most :rematories have a special garden and will dispose of the cremated remains recording to a family's request. Other families may wish to scatter the cremated remains in some place of particular sentimental attachment, providing there are no local legal prohibi- :ions. Your funeral director can advise you about any such restrictions. Are there special ways of remembering someone who has been cremated? If the cremated remains of the deceased are put in a grave, a plaque or marker can be used. When the ashes are strewn, it is still possible to have some marker or memorialization if it is so desired. Since there is no final rest-ing place, a memorial plaque may be used to indicate the general location of the ashes. A tree or shrub might be planted and dedicated as a tangible me- 302 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA morial. In other instances, crematories provide Books of Remembrance in which the name of the deceased can be suitably inscribed or displayed. Sometimes a committal service is held with the family present when the ashes are finally disposed of by any of these means. This brief way of honor-ing the deceased completes the process of separation. Are there economic advantages to cremation? Costs are related to the way cremation is utilized. There are several alter-natives. It is not possible to estimate actual costs or savings in comparing cre-mation with an earth burial because they vary with locality and patterns of custom. However, if economic considerations are of utmost importance, cremation may be an alternative to be considered. Cost may also be affected depending on whether or not a family grave plot is already owned and by the charges for opening and closing a grave. Your funeral director can discuss with you the alternative patterns of arrangements and their related costs. Where can we get more information about cremation? Your local funeral director is the most knowledgeable resource for any questions you might have about post-death activities, including cremation. credit: Howard Raether, Executive Director, National Funeral Directors Asso- ciation of the U.S., Inc., Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Crime* ( What Causes It? ) Anyone concerned with the study of crime and criminals is familiar with the challenging question: "Well, doctor, what is the cause of crime?" Of course, he means, "Let's stop talking about our crimes against criminals and talk about what they do to us and why." Every human event has many determinants and surely this is true of crimes. The question should be worded: What are the causes of crime-or what are the causes of criminals, for every one is different. To accept the challenge is to first tick off the textbook "causes": Hunger, poverty, ghetto living, drugs, anger, jealousy, hate, fear-any or several of * Copyright � 1978, Karl Menninger, M.D. THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 303 these. "But," the inquirer persists, "are there causes we can do something about?" Crime-the thing we all want to do something about-means, to the aver-age citizen, familiar kinds of violent lawbreaking, like killing and raping and bank robbing. But each of these categories has many complexities. Bank rob-bing often means guns and masks and "stick 'em up," a loot sack, a waiting car, a chase and great excitement. That's crime! But the crime of bank rob-bing is more frequently a quiet, long-undetected inside job-a covered-up affair. Take murder, or rape, or vandalism: exciting, ugly, violent, fearsome be-havior that interests the newspapers. These are crimes for sure-crimes that are ruining our cities. (There is no substantial evidence that crime is increas-ing any faster than the population.) But the legislators want to do away with mandatory sentences, nix on paroles, bring on double-time sentences or tri-ple, solitary confinement, and capital punishment if we can get it by the senti-mentalists. They believe terror is the way to stop terror; violence requires counterviolence! "Never mind the causes of those crimes-just get the crimi-nals!" They tell us we need more policemen, more jails, more prisons, more heli-copters, more mace, more "security," more tough guys to deal with tough guys. Let's drown the tongues of fire and preserve our peace and way of life! Look at rape and treason and kidnapping and child abuse and wife abuse. They're not as evil as murder, but they are multiplying, which murder is not! Vandalism, the destruction of beautiful and valuable things, is ruthless, ugly, costly, violent. And mugging, stabbing, assaulting, maiming-all these ag-gressions against fellow creatures, especially weaker or less defensive ones, are surely crimes. What does cause all this perversity, this antihumanity? Who are these vil-lains? They were all children once. What made some of them turn against their fellow man and do forbidden things? We know this behavior isn't exactly inherited, but can it be perhaps con-genital, an innate streak of wickedness? The laws stating the limits of social behavior, forbidding violence and expressing our common disapproval and dislike of it, weren't laid down long ago by us-nor by those trespassers ei-ther. To "keep the peace and punish the evildoers," lawmakers wrote down a code. In olden times, it was the King's peace that was important to preserve, even by force; later the peace and safety of the King's subjects assumed some importance. We think of law as a community's conscience, a duty to maintain safety for all members. We accepted those laws as facts; they were there, written in the book. We didn't promise to obey then; in fact, we weren't asked to. We were told. We grew up impressed with the importance of power and possessions, not law abidance. "Them as has gits!" Life gets constantly more complicated and stressful and all through it "someone" tells us what we must do, or may not 304 THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA do. The stress, the pressure of this compulsion weighs heavily on some al-ready pressured individuals. Some of us are under more (conscious) pressure than others. And some yield to those increasing pressures at the weakest point in our "defenses," as the psychologist calls them. Others reach out a hand and take, or strike. From a statistical point of view, those personal physical rebellions against accumulating pressures with the consequent injury of someone else are not the bulk of "crime." They are crimes, to be sure, but not crime. Violence characterizes a very small proportion of the detected criminal acts in any community. The noisy and newsy lawbreakings, unpleasant and frightening, are not the main bulk of lawbreaking. Crime is not simply a collection of killings and rapes and beatings interspersed with a few kidnappings. Crime is mostly a great mass of stealings, small and great, secret and overt, bloody and "clean," sneaking and spectacular, nice and nasty. Crime is mostly some-one taking for himself, without permission, the money or property of some-one else. Shoppers do it, clerks do it, deliverymen do it, secretaries do it, storehouse men do it, cashiers do it, lawyers do it, presidents do it, corporations do it, land companies do it. Let's face it, nearly everyone does it once-twice, oc-casionally, repeatedly, or constantly. Theft is a universal crime, committed by nearly all of us sometimes and by many of us all the time, daily, everywhere. Some people use their hands to steal. Some use their tongues, and swindle. Some do it with pen and ink, some with satchels and purses, some with dollies and trucks. There are hundreds of methods of stealing, cheating, rob-bing, thieving and swindling. Only a fraction of them are ever detected. I know a millionaire who brags about never paying any income tax. He makes good use of the blessings provided by his government but he never re-turns anything to it or to anyone else. He regards himself as shrewd and clever, even. I know (and you know) many friends whose cheating and steal-ing are no secret. We stole much of our American land from the Indians and Mexicans. Do we generally acknowledge it, or even think about it? Do we feel guilty? Neither, apparently, do many people we know to be stealing from us. Do you ask why people do this, why so many of us steal and cheat? Is it just people who need something who take it? Do you wonder if so many of us are "naturally dishonest?" Do you ask if cupidity is a disease or a normal response to something? I read the following in a newsletter yesterday: "An employee of a northern book company admitted to making a tidy sum for himself by stealing Bibles from his company's warehouse, then reselling the stolen goods to churches, happy to get the books at a reduced price. A special agent, posing as a ware-house employee, discovered that five employees had been regularly stealing whole sets of books. One employee, who had been working there five years, had been doing this for a year." THE ANN LANDERS ENCYCLOPEDIA 305 Don't ask me why we steal; tell me! Because we want to have something that isn't ours and have never acquired the conscience or wisdom or the abil-ity to resist the infantile temptation of grabbing. What are the causes of all these other less numerous but more disturbing crimes, the violent ones, the scary ones? Have I, as a psychiatrist, seen many of these offenders "up close"? Yes, I have, and I can generalize about them. Some of these acts are defensive measures against detection or recognition. Some of them are spurred by needs the doctors can't identify. Some people actually do snatch purses or steal food because they are hungry and penni

,




Share this Column with Friends




What do you think?
Comments:

A Note from Margo:
Hi! It's Margo here. I'd love to know what you think of the letters -- and the answers!

Also, any additional thoughts you might have. Thanks!
 
Please share your comments below:








Our Reader to Reader Question of the Week:


Dear Readers,
, whatever they needed I provided. What really hurt my son and I the most was the obituary - we were not mentioned at all. Our friends (mine and hers) were appalled. I was embarrassed and upset for not just me, but for my son-who loved her also. I never been so upset. Her x-husband put his wife and kids and their grandchildren in the obituary, who my girlfriend barely knew. They live an hour away from us. I know its silly to be mad over a little section of the newspaper, but it still hurts. Will time let this devastating loss of her and this article ever go away? I am so angry at this whole situation, its not like we can go and rewrite an obituary notice.

Tell us what you think?

Popular Columns

Tag Cloud


Ask a Question
or
Post a Comment

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-Ann Landers