Dear Ann Landers,
"My wife doesn't talk to me unless she has a beef against my family or a complaint about the kids or me. We haven't had a pleasant conversation in years. When we were going together, the evenings were never long enough. We never got it all said. What happened anyway?" The ability to talk things over is the adhesive agent that cements marriages. The husband and wife who can tell it to each other are not likely to tell it to the judge. Incompati-bility is a vague word at best. Usually it is another way of saying "We couldn't talk." The spoken word is only one means of communication. A wink can be eloquent. A raised eyebrow, a smile, a frown, a pat; they all say something. A great deal has been written and spoken about woman's intuition. While I concede that this may be one of her greatest assets, I am certain some of the magic called intuition is simply the intimate knowl-edge of a familiar face. Individuals who are observant and able to read subtle facial expressions can learn a great deal without exchanging a word. Problem areas in marriage are best resolved, however, by the spoken word, and I don't mean verbal assault and bat-tery. There can be useful, honorable-even noble-battles in marriage. And there can be vicious, destructive fighting. 58 HOW TO STAY MARRIED All married couples should leam the art of noble battle as they leam the art of making love. It is forthright but never cruel; it is objective, honest, and confined to the problem under discussion. Most arguments get out of hand because one or both parties depart from the central issue. The wife may drag in something from left field in an effort to wound her husband or to cover up the weakness of her own posi-tion. Good battle is healthy. It dears the air. It allows the other person to know what you are thinking and it brings to marriage the printiple of an equal partnership. When a woman writes "I'm afraid to open my mouth. He can't take criticism without flying into a rage," I know there is no communication between the couple and that the poor wife is married to a tyrant Meaningless chatter may be an outlet, but it is not com-munication. Witness this complaint: "My wife's family is a gabby bunch. They talk con-stantly. Sometimes they don't make much sense, but they sure do manage to keep the words going back and forth. My family is quiet. I was brought up not to say anything unless I could improve on silence. My wife doesn't under-stand this." The woman who marries a no-talk type ("Yup" is a whole speech) sees it another way. One suburban New York wife wrote: "After three hours of not saying one solitary word, I handed Ralph the laundry list and said, 'Please read this to me. I just want to hear your voice.' " The quality of the conversation is what counts, however, and not the quantity. Some couples talk easily about poli-tics, the neighbors, current books, or assorted trivia. This is HOW TO STAY MARRIED 59 useful, but the talking that builds a marriage and keeps it in good repair is the honest, below the surface kind. Conversa-tions that advance real understanding deal with personal feelings. The man and wife who can articulate ideas and feelings which they would not express to anyone else usu-ally have a good marriage. In every family there are some subjects which should be avoided. A remark critical of a man's mother, sister, or brother can, in some circumstances, set off a small war. The wise wife leams to side-step certain sensitive subjects. Equally explosive are a husband's frequent references to a former sweetheart. A Louisville woman wrote: "I never thought I could do such a thing, but when Bill began to rave for the fiftieth time about his old girl friend's fantastic shape, I hit him with the frying pan." Here are some choice phrases guaranteed to irritate: "I'm going to tell you something for your own good." "I've put off mentioning this because I know how sensi-tive you are." "I don't like to make comparisons, dear, but my brother Sam would have done it this way." "I was hoping you'd learn this yourself, but since you haven't I'll have to teach you." "You aren't going to like what I am about to say, but please pay me the courtesy of hearing me out." Learning the phrases and subjects to avoid is part of the diplomacy of marriage. And learning to tolerate less-than- fascinating conversation is part of marriage, too. A husband should be able to talk to his wife about business problems (and even brag a little if he wants to) without fearing that she'll yawn in his face. A wife should be able to discuss the events of the day without being made to feel that she is boring her husband to death. 6o HOW TO STAY MARRIED Eveiy married couple should discuss their children and decide together what is best for them. One of the chief reasons many children are able to drive a wedge between parents (thus, playing one off against the other) is because Mom doesn't know where Dad stands and Dad isn't aware that Mom has already said no. To present a united front, parents must keep in close communication and decide family policy in regard to hours, car privileges, and so on. This prevents missed signals, wrangling and misunderstand-ing. The united front family insists on loyalty. Clearly, a man and wife should not bicker, quarrel, or criticize one another in the presence of others. Letters from both men and women underline the importance of self-discipline. A wife from Kansas City wrote: "He's sweet as pie until we get out in company. It's almost as if he waits for an audience so he can belittle my cooking or make cracks about my weight." A Honolulu husband said: "My wife makes me fed like two cents whenever her family is around. She keeps saying in front of her relatives that someday she hopes to have a few of the nice things her sisters have. Their husbands all make big money and she doesn't let me forget it" Every social circle has at least one couple notorious for "fighting it out in public." The husband or wife who at-tempts to humiliate his mate only succeeds in working up sympathy for the victim and an active dislike for himself. Some couples are dropped by their friends because their dreary and incessant arguing makes others uncomfortable. The summary, then, is this: Accept the fact that there is bound to be conflict in every marriage. Don't be ashamed when you can't agree on everything. It is foolish to pretend HOW TO STAY MARRIED 6l conflict doesn't exist. A marriage where there is total agree-ment needs looking into. Someone is not being honest about his feelings. Constructive, honest talking is essential to a good marriage. If something is on your mind, don't just sit there and build an ulcer. Don't let tensions multiply. Work them out as they come along. Say something. But remember to say it privately. And finally-never go to bed mad. Get outside help Often a visit with an objective third party is precisely what is needed to get a derailed marriage back on the track. I discourage married couples from taking their problems to relatives. In special instances it may work out, but as a general rule the less said to relatives about family problems, the better. Marriage counseling services are available in almost every city. Readers who live in small towns should contact the Family Service Bureau or the Y.M.C.A. in the nearest metropolitan city and learn of the available facilities. The clergyman is another excellent source of help. A reader from Cleveland wrote: "Thank you for sending me to my minister. He has opened doors for me that I never knew existed. What a wonderful person he is, Ann! And to think he has been available all these years and I didn't even know it." And remember, you can always write to Ann Landers. Marriage and money problems Comparatively few readers write to me about money problems. Since ours is considered a materialistic society, this is surprising-to me, at least. 62 HOW TO STAY MARRIED Women who write about money usually complain about stingy husbands. The following letter is perhaps extreme, but it makes the point: "What do you think about a husband who keeps cross-ing things off the grocery list because he says they aren't necessary? He says You don't need to buy laundry bleach. Clothes don't have to be snow white. The kids don't need sweet cookies. Let 'em eat crackers. Why buy shampoo when you can wash your hair with a bar of soap? Floors don't need to be waxed. Just keep 'em clean. Furniture polish is a waste of money. Rub a little harder.' We aren't rich people, but we can afford some of the extras in life. It bums me up that he is so tight with me while he spends money on hunting and fishing equipment, drinks for the boys and card playing. I get no allowance. He handles all the money. I'll have to shake four cents out of the baby's bank to mail this letter. Please tell me what to do. I'm fed up to here." I tell wives who do write about this problem that unless a woman is addle-brained or alcoholic, she should be able to handle the grocery money without supervision. It is de-grading to be followed around in a store and told what to buy. Most wives do a remarkable job of stretching the pay check. I doubt that their husbands could do as well. As a matter of self respect every wife, if her husband is employed, should have an allowance for herself. She should be free to spend a few dollars a week as she pleases and be accountable to no one. Policies regarding family finances are best ironed out be-fore marriage. It should be decided in advance who is to handle the money and pay the bills. In some marriages the husband is better qualified. Often, however, it is the wife. A man from Atlanta told me: HOW TO STAY MARRIED 63 "We were broke and in debt the first two years of our marriage. I was handling the money and I couldn't make ends meet. My wife asked for a chance to take over. I figured she couldn't do much worse than I had done, and maybe she could do better. In less than a year she had us out of debt and she had $250 put away in the bank. She certainly surprised me. I take my hat off to her." The wife who is in charge of the family purse strings should see to it that her husband has enough spending money. It's rough for a man to have to ask his wife for cigarette change or "a couple of dollars to buy gas for the car." The husband who turns his pay check over to his wife should get money to cover his daily expenses, and he should not be expected to account for every dime. If both husband and wife are working, I recommend that the checks be pooled and the incomes treated as one. A good marriage should be a partnership-spiritual, moral, physical, and financial. There should be no "mine" and "thine"-only "ours." Accept the realities of marriage To improve any situation we must all start here and now with what we are and with the resources at our command. There is no turning back the clock or undoing what has been done, unless you are a magician, in which case this chapter is not for you. Most married people, if they are honest, will admit that marriage isn't all they had hoped it would be No union between earthly creatures can possibly measure up to the florid promises of the movies, love novels, and advertise-ments for cedar chests. Married life as we live it is certain to come off second best when compared with our popular romantic fantasies. Somerset Maugham summed it up 64 HOW TO STAY MARRIED neatly: "American wives expect to find in their husbands a perfection English women only hope to find in their butlers." It is essential, then, if we are to enjoy a mature rela-tionship, to accept the realities of married life. It has been said that rose-colored glasses do not come in bifocals be-cause nobody reads the small print in dreams. Examine the small print in the marriage contract; perhaps it will help you to put your own marriage in its proper perspective. America has the largest middle class in the world. The very rich and the very poor are a small percentage of this country's population. Less than one-tenth of one per cent of American males have an annual income of $10,000 a year or more. The picture of the average American woman as an over- privileged, pampered house cat is preposterous. It is not the Junior League or the yacht club that consumes the average woman's time and energy. It's a plugged sink, Billy's measles, patching clothes, marketing, cooking, washing and ironing, stretching an inadequate pay check and drag-ging her husband away from the TV set so he'll pay a little more attention to her. The following letter from Houston tells the story for thousands of women: "The kids are in bed, the dishes are stacked in the sink and there's plenty of mending I could do, but I'm going to let everything sit. Tonight I'm keeping a promise I made to myself a year ago. I'm going to write to Ann Landers. "Jack and I have been married sixteen years. He had a good education and I always told myself he'd make the grade. Well, he never has-quite. The pay check barely covers the necessities. Our five kids, God bless them, are healthy and smart, but they keep me on the brink of exhaustion. HOW TO STAY MARRIED 65 "If Jack takes me to a movie every couple of weeks, it's a big deal. He's a swell guy, and I do love him, but this isn't exactly what I expected out of life. A meal in a res-taurant would be like a dream come true. I'm yearning for just a little bit of real fur on a suit. Tell me, Ann, is this a life? Jane" The reply: "You bet it's a life, Jane, and a darned good one. Did you know that people can get just as exhausted from bore-dom as from overwork? And sirloin in a restaurant can begin to taste like sawdust after a while, too. "I've had stacks of letters from women with open charge accounts asking what to do with their lives. And many write about problems that resulted from too much leisure. They sought escape from boredom through alcohol and extra-marital affairs. "Sure you get fed up, everybody does, but don't lose your perspective. You've got the things that count. Pity the poor millionaire. He'll never know the thrill of paying that final installment." It is vital to your mental and physical health that you leam to accept your mate as he is. It's a foolish mistake to figure that after marriage you will make him (or her) over to suit your specifications. By the time a man or woman is of marriageable age, the behavior patterns are set. This is not to say there will be no personality changes, no emotional or intellectual development. Maturity should come with the passing years. As our horizons broaden, we should become less petty, more patient and understanding. The man at forty-four is not what he was at twenty-four. The woman at thirty-eight has grown beyond the notion that the most important goal in life was the presidency of her sorority. A wise husband or wife can subtly influence his mate and, by example, demonstrate that some approaches to life 66 HOW TO STAY MARRIED work better than others. But it won't be achieved by at-tempting to impose ideas on an unwilling subject or by nagging criticism. Since marriage is the most intimate and most demanding of all adult relationships, conflict is inevitable. A woman meets a crisis like a woman. She's likely to weep when she's frustrated or angry. A man is more apt to raise his voice and spout forth a stream of verbal complaints or he may clap on his hat and leave the house for a few hours. Try to re-member to attack the problem and not each other. Personal habits can be a source of real trouble. It is my opinion (but many readers have disagreed with me) that a man is neat or he is not neat when you marry him, de-pending on the training he received from his mother. The next letter is typical of a complaint which has come to me from every state in the union, plus Panama, Puerto Rico, Canada, Nassau and Scotland. "My husband thinks you are God's gift to the American husband. Me-I would like to wring your neck. Several months ago you said a wife should iron the bed sheets if her husband likes them that way, so I started to iron the bed sheets on your say so. That controversy led to whether a woman should iron her husband's shorts. You said 'if a husband wants his shorts ironed-then iron 'em.' So my big slob, who never knew that shorts could be ironed, showed me the column and said 'Ann thinks you should iron my shorts from now on.' "I was pretty burned up; in fact I even considered send-ing you a bundle of my husband's shorts to iron, but I de-cided to be a good sport and go along with it. Now you come along with the insane advice that a wife should pick up after her husband. If you can tell me why an able- bodied man should get this kind of service, I'll do as you say and never mention it again. Livid Viv" HOW TO STAY MARRIED 67 I told Livid Viv (and hundreds of other women who bombarded me with invective) that if a woman marries a man who leaves his pajamas on the floor, his ties on the doorknob, and his shorts wherever he happens to drop them, she should pick up after him and say nothing. He was brought up that way and no amount of nagging is likely to change him. Pick up after him not for his sake, but for yours. The time involved can't possibly amount to more than ten minutes a day. Does it make sense to fuss and fume over something so insignificant? Constant "re-minding" makes you a nag and you usually wind up pick-ing up after him anyway. Then everybod/s mad. It's not worth it. Perfection is achieved only when one can be in complete control of one's self at all times. This means operating on an even keel, with no sharp peaks and valleys, no moods, no loss of temper, no display of vanity, anxiety, weakness, indecision or despair. If such a person exists, I would like to have him dipped in bronze and put on display in the Smithsonian Institution. Physical condition has an important bearing on behavior. A woman does not feel the same every day of the month. Neither does a man. The endocrine system, which is the glandular network regulating our energy output, has a di-rect effect on disposition and personality. All of us operate in cycles. Even in the course of a single day energy peaks vary. The man who could go bear hunting with a switch at eight in the moming may fold like an accordion 12 hours later. His wife may not come alive until noon. Timing is crucial. The tired husband is likely to be ir-ritable and negative. The moment he walks into the house is not the appropriate time to shove the bills in his face and complain about the children. The woman who has 68 HOW TO STAY MARRIED had a particularly trying day is not likely to be fit as a fiddle and ready for love. In accepting the realities of marriage, try to see the hu-mor in situations which may seem deadly serious at the mo-ment. Laughter offers a healthy release from tension and anxiety. It is an ideal device to head off a big argument or to end a small one. The husband who wrote that his wife bums him up because she squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle had no sense of humor, and less imagina-tion. (Being a middle-squeezer myself I know it's a habit which was acquired early.) The man who is so exacting that he can't tolerate a tube squeezed from the middle should develop a sense of humor for the sake of his blood pressure. Finally Think of your marriage in terms of what's right with it rather than what's wrong with it. If you can look at a bottle and say "it's half full" rather than "it's half empty" your approach is positive, and this philosophy will help make a marriage work. Think in terms of "we" and "us" rather than "me" and "I." Don't envy your neighbor because his or her marriage may look more exciting or glamourous. You never know what's going on behind closed doors and drawn drapes. They may be envying you. The only home life about which you will ever know the whole truth is your own. Broaden your perspective and measure the good aspects of your marriage against the bad. Then, when the sledding gets a little bumpy (and you can be sure it will), remember that wonderful old Yiddish adage "Ahless in ainem nish-taw bah kainem," which means in any language "Everything in one person-nobody's got it." � six T Must we outlaw the inAawi "Wherefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh." Genesis 2:24 I he only sure way to avoid in-law trouble," said a Jl latter-day wit, "is to marry an orphan." How serious is the in-law problem? Has it been exag-gerated? Has the American mother-in-law earned her black eye or is she the innocent victim of gag-writers? My mail provides daily evidence that the in-law problem is no myth. Experts say in-laws figure in three out of every five divorces. Is it any wonder the cry "outlaw the in-law" is heard throughout the land! Our social critics say the American matriarchy has shunted Dad so far into the background that he isn't even important enough to make trouble. This may be more than 69 70 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? a lame joke. The evidence I've seen indicates that the mother-in-law is at least 50 times as troublesome as the father-in-law. And in most cases the problem is the hus-band's mother. When the wife's mother is the central cause for marital discord, it presents an unusually trying problem for the husband. The mama-dominated wife never gets over feeling like a naughty child when she goes against her mother's wishes, or heaven forbid, when she puts her husband first. The most troublesome relative, after the mother-in-law (his or hers) is the sister-in-law (usually his sister). The brother-in-law is close on her heels and the father-in-law comes straggling in a poor fourth. An Indiana attorney wrote: "I've been practicing law for over 15 years and have handled hundreds of divorce cases. I do not approve of divorce and I try to effect a reconciliation whenever pos-sible. It is my opinion that two-thirds of all divorces can be traced directly to in-law trouble. Not only are parents at fault, but grandparents, brothers, sisters and even shirt- tail relatives are often responsible for broken marriages. "If in-laws would make it their business to mind their own business, the divorce courts would not be so crowded." The threadbare phrase "I'm marrying him (or her), not the whole family," is unrealistic. In rare instances it is possible to steer clear of all relatives. But generally, even if physical separation is accomplished, it is difficult to sever the emotional bonds. Family ties are like roots, and roots lie buried beneath the surface. The mother who wont let go of her son One of the singular aspects of the mother-in-law prob-lem is that wives thousands of miles apart use almost MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? 71 identical language to describe it. The letter that follows came from a small town in Connecticut. It might have come from any one of hundreds of cities where my column appears. "My mother-in-law's interference is ruining my mar-riage. She bosses my husband as if he were a child. When he takes her side, I want to walk out of the house and never come back. I don't know how much longer I can take it." This, of course, is the way the daughter-in-law sees it, and she could be justified. It may be, however, that she is too sensitive or overly critical. I have suggested to thou-sands of couples who are plagued with in-law troubles that they visit a marriage counselor or a clergyman and verbalize their feelings. An unbiased third party, trained in handling family problems, may give them both a fresh look at the other side. The daughter-in-law is often unaware of the problems of a mother of three or four adult children who suddenly finds herself with an empty nest. For the past twenty years she has been busy with her children and then, one by one, they leave her. Her interests are frequently limited to a club or church group. Life becomes frighteningly empty and sterile. She has nothing important or demanding to occupy her time and energy, so she turns to "helping" her newly-mar-ried children. She means well, but a young bride who wants to work things out in her own way may consider it med-dling. When mother-in-law offers suggestions to Betty on what to do about Ted's cold (after all, who knows better than a boy's mother?) Betty interprets it as "butting in." A mar-riage counselor or a clergyman can point out that a mother's interest in her son is normal and that a mother-in-law can 72 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? be useful to a daughter-in-law who is willing to accept gracefully a few well-intentioned suggestions. This next letter from Virginia illustrates a problem which is more complex because it involves two gravely neurotic people-a mother and her son: "My mother-in-law is making a nervous wreck out of me. She lives in an apartment about two miles from us (the closest one she could find) and my husband is her sole means of support Her medicine bills and doctors cost us a fortune. She takes pills to go to sleep, to wake up, to calm her nerves, balance her thyroid, slow up her breath-ing and pep up her blood. Three times last week she phoned us in the middle of the night to say she was dying. My husband dragged himself out of bed and rushed to her bedside. She's been pulling this same stunt for ten years. The doctors can find nothing organically wrong with her. She'll probably bury me. I've tried to tell my husband she is a clever woman who fakes illness to get attention. He says she is his mother and whatever she wants him to do, he will do whether it makes sense or not. Can you suggest a course of action for me? Fed to the Teeth" The wife who is trapped in such a situation has a rough life. Her best hope is to persuade her husband to seek psychiatric treatment so that one day he may detach him-self from his domineering and demanding mother. A grown man who says, "Whatever my mother wants me to do I will do whether it makes sense or not" concedes that he is operat-ing at an infantile level. If the mother-in-law is unbearably punishing, I advise the wife to tell Junior to go live with Mama until he grows up, and I suggest that she remind him to send the support checks in the mail. The most difficult of all the mother-in-law problems in- MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? 73 volves the only son of a widowed or divorced woman. Young men who grow up with no male influence in the home are often poor marriage risks. There are exceptions, of course, but the evidence is heavily weighted on the nega-tive side. Some months ago, I received the following letter from a North Carolina bride: "I am writing this letter on my wedding night. My groom and I were married this afternoon in a beautiful church ceremony. We left the hotel reception at about eight-thirty in the evening and drove to this lovely little resort hotel. The first thing my husband did when we arrived here was telephone his mother. They talked for thirty minutes and he spent most of the time comforting her and trying to get her to stop crying. After the con-versation he flopped down on the bed, bawled for ten minutes, cracked open a pint of bourbon, drank it and passed out." Her signature, several pages later, was "Unmarried Wife." If you think such neurotic relationships exist only be-tween mother and son, please read the next letter. This problem occurs less frequently. But it does happen. "Our son went steady with a lovely girl for two years. The girl's father died when she was thirteen and she and her mother were like sisters. We knew they were close, but we didn't realize they were crazy. We should have known something was wrong when the mother moved to the college town and took a selling job to be near her daughter. After graduation B and J had a nice wedding. On the wedding night J complained of a sick headache. The next day she said her eyes hurt. That night her back ached. The next morning she scribbled a note saying she couldn't bear to think of her mother alone so she had taken the bus home. What can our son do? Shocked Parents" 74 MUST WE OUTLAW THE IN-LAW? Again, psychiatric help is the only solution. But too often, as I told this woman, professional help is rejected. The sick ones defend their behavior with such fancy (and even admirable) labels as "mother love," "family devotion" and "filial loyalty." When I advised a New York reader to get outside help before his mother's apron strings throttled his marriage, he replied: "There is nothing wrong with me, Ann Landers. You are the one who needs professional help. My wife is twenty-eight years old. She has her whole life before her. My mother is sixty-four. I shall continue to spend every January in Florida with my mother as long as she lives. My wife belongs home with the children." Competition between the generations Some women dislike their mothers-in-law even before they meet and it's the husband's fault. He sometimes paints such glowing pictures of "

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