Dear Ann Landers,
You are facing the holidays, and someone you love will be missing. You see intact families everywhere-on TV screens, in magazine ads, on holiday cards, joyfully celebrating. You may be overwhelmed with grief as you face an empty chair at your table. The following suggestions may help you to cope: Change traditions. Have Christmas dinner at a different house this year. It is a paradox that the more you try to make it the same as it was before, the more obvious your loved one's absence will be. Balance solitude with sociability Solitude can renew strength. Being with people you care about can be equally important. Plan to attend some holiday parties. You may surprise yourself by having a good time. 3 :> II ANN LANDERS Relive the happy memories. Pick three special memories of past holidays with your loved one. Recall them often, especially if out-bursts of grief seem to occur at an inappropriate time. Set aside "letting go" time. Schedule specific time on your calendar to grieve. When you know you have set aside this time, it will be easier for you to postpone your flow of grief in public. Counter the conspiracy of silence. Because family and friends love you, they may think they are doing you a favor by not mentioning your loved one for fear you will be upset. Break the ice by mention-ing him or her yourself. Tell your family and friends that it is im-portant for you to talk about your loved one during the holiday season when that missing person is very much on your mind. Find a creative outlet. Write a memorial poem or story about your loved one and share it. Contribute or work with a group that your loved one supported. Use the money that you would have spent for a gift for that special person to buy something for someone he or she cared about. Don't forget the rest of the family. Try especially hard to make it a good holiday for the children. Listen to them. Talk to them. If dec-orating the tree or buying Christmas gifts is too difficult for you to do this year, ask a friend to do it for you. Utilize available resources. If your faith is important to you, partic-ipate in the holiday church services. Some veterans of the faith have a serenity, a kind of healing wisdom. They can help you. Seek out a support group of other victims. Or start your own short-term sup-port group to help you through the holidays. It is tempting to conclude that life is awful during the holidays. Yes, you will have some difficult times, but you also can experience some joy. Having a good time does not mean that you have forgotten your loved one or that you loved him or her any less. Let yourself go. Above all, remember that you cannot change the past. You can, however, take care of the present. Total recovery may never come. But what you kindle from the ashes of your tragedy is largely up to you.

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